AITH: my(28F) sister(26F) knocked on my door to ask about letting her boyfriend(28M) sleep over bc of a medical appointment she had (she’s temp incapable of walking, I have been taking care of her). Bc i could not hear her, she let me know thru text that she let him stay. I’m very uncomfortable w him staying. She knows this, he isn’t even allowed to sleep over here anymore. They proceeded to spend the entire day home and was planning on a second sleepover until I texted her saying he cannot sleep over. She gets upset, he leaves.
Backstory:
This house we live in used to be just me, my sister, my mom and her partner. Before Covid, Mom made a company, rented an apartment and turned it into an office. The back of the apartment is livable; her and her partner would live there mostly.
An issue arose when my sister first started dating her boyfriend months after. Mom had set the ground rules, no partner sleeps over at our house. My sister ignored those rules, had him sleep over while hiding it. Instead of raising the issue to my mom, I asked her not to, to which she responded by making him sleep on our couch. This lasted for five days before I cracked and told our mother. Sis threw a tantrum and didnt talk to us for a week.
A year later, Mom is deep in her company work when my sister pulls another stunt. He starts sleeping over again, but when I went straight to Mom, she begged to have him stay bc "his house is renovating and theyre using his room for storage". To spare you details, the storage bit was for a couple of days and we found out his mom was pressuring him to move out. He stayed for 3 months, before we tried to talk to my sister. She threw a tantrum and didnt talk to anyone(other than mom for work) for 2 weeks.
notes:
*he never contributed to food, utilities, or bills
*we jokingly said on the first week he should pay for groceries since he’s eating our food, to which she got defensive and said we were asking too much
*Him living w us had me on edge the entire time. He’s not creepy towards me, but I do not like living w him. I shouldnt have to.
*mom moved out the next year. me and my sister live in the house.
The injury and the newest argument:
We went out clubbing and she jumped to hard. Sprained a joint in her knee or smth along those lines. Ive been feeding her, cleaning after her, doing all her chores (this part doesnt feel like much of a change, given she barely does any of her chores) cleaning up after her etc. I cook, clean, and buying her compression pad/the ice pack.
Last week, my friend who moved to another country came back to our homeland. I was excited to go visit. So i asked her days in advance for her boyfriend to come over so shes safe while im gone for 8 hours that day. She agreed, I leave. Come to find out she lied and spent the day alone. I’m sad and mad I trusted her. I’m frustrated that she doesnt get my fear, tells me im overreacting. Shes back to ignoring me.
now shes mad I kicked her boyfriend. AITH?
nta. you set a boundary in your own home and she keeps steamrolling it. she cant even be honest about staying safe while youre gone but expects you to bend every rule for her boyfriend?? thats not how this works sis
**(NTA)**
This is weird sh1t!!
Right? The whole situation gives me major creep vibes.
Your mom needs to give her the ultimatum of the boyfriend stop staying the night after he’s been told not to or she moves out. And then they can go find somewhere to stay together.
hii, thanks for ur input. heres the funny part, a week before the injury they were planning on moving out, had a place from a family member lined up and everything. but the injiry set those plans back. they had these plans for months. unlucky and unfortunate timing
Yeah, the mom enabling this is the real issue here. She needs to actually enforce the rules or accept that her daughter will have to leave.
yikes…..
On one hand, I want to say that you’re both adults and she can have her BF over. Him visiting or having the occasional sleepover should be ok. Living there would be different.
On the other hand, you’re not comfortable with it, and your sister is being dishonest about it. You are allowed to set boundaries for the home you live in. You don’t need the ultimate reasoning for that.
It sort of sounds like you’re not in the US, so culturally speaking, maybe BF sleeping over is a bigger deal. I’m also not completely clear on whether you mean sleeping over or him living there continuously. I can’t accurately give a verdict without more INFO. You’re more likely in the clear than not.
For now, let them have the one night since he’s helping her get to an appointment, then talk to her about how things will be going forward.
I wantes to include more info, but the word limit stopped me:
Not in the USA, LATAM. Parents here typically dont allow partners to sleep over (on request: yes; the child saying “oh theyre staying w us tonight” w/o permission is not common)
She asked before about him staying over so he could drive her to an appointment about her knee. Of course I said yes, specially when they’re very early, appointments here can take months to reschedule. My issue is him staying over for any other reason.
I’d like to think in another future, I wouldnt mind if he had a sleepover with her on the ocassion. But they burned those bridges years ago. Giving her an inch means she will take a mile and then some, so I don’t allow is unless its absolutely necessary.
28 and 26, yeah? Not 18 and 16?
Right? This is wild to me that the occasional BF sleepover would even be an issue at all when everyone here is an adult.
For real! I remember when I met my wife she was 20 and lived at home, I’d stay on the weekends but I had to sleep in the lounge room. But it was never an issue, I think probably after a month of dating her mother invited me to stay.
YTA. I don’t think you’ve got a right to ba anyone from the apartment. Your mother doesn’t make the rules anymore, she doesn’t even live there.
You’re all adults. If you sister wants to have a guest over during the day or the night, she can.
NTA… boundaries are real. If someone’s behavior crosses lines you’ve set, you’re allowed to say enough.