Hey There
I have an issue and its driving me nuts and making me feel like shit.
A little backstory: I’m 32, autistic and on disability pension (i live on existential minimum) My sister (33) is the opposite, she and her husband earn well both above average. My sister has two kids and a job, i’m unemployed and cant find a job due to my disability.
to the problem:
My sister always plans expensive outings and only tells me about them last second. Basically her thing is “hey do you have a spare 100-200 bucks to spend right now on an outing” and most of the time i dont.
about a year ago i tried to explain to her that since im literally per definition poor that i would love it if she could consider this next time she plans something. to either tell me early enough or maybe plan something that doesnt cost an arm and a leg for one meal. Spoiler alert she didnt. that conversation didnt go over well, cause in her eyes she didnt do anything wrong and my reaction is an overreaction and that i am not poor; “people in africa are poor” and “you dont have to come”
We talked about going to istanbul for 2 days, only my siblings and I. I then told her again, i need to be told early if they want me to come too. i woke up this morning to a text “hey we booked the flight, you can book too if you want” the date they picked is in two months. i cant join because 1st i cant get together that much money in such a short time, cause i made other commitments with my money and they booked it too close to my nose surgery (to their defense they didnt know about the surgery)
i feel like a fucking joke. i have always been an outsider within my family, ever since childhood i was the one who was systematically not included in outings, i get it im not an easy person to be around with, but trust me not a single day goes by where i dont hate myself for not being easy going like others.
i wrote her earlier today that i am really pissed at how she handled this that despite me saying i dont have a lot of money they do this, her answer was a bunch of deflection and “why do i have to plan everyting, you can plan too” but when i plan something simple like going out for a coffee, something i can afford on a whim, no one is interested in that type of outing. and every argument ends in me being branded as the one who doesnt care about the family. so i told her to f\*ck off im done with her games and she can bite me.
i’m genuinely at a loss here, cause i would do anything to include people i want with me, especially if they have some obstacles but it seems like my sister doesnt think im actually poor for our conturies average income and the fact that they didnt change a single thing in how they make plans, kind of confirms this voice in my head that most people just put up with me and im only being asked last second as a formality cause they know i cant join.
edit: So am AITA for lashing out at my sister that she seemingly doesnt care if i can join or not
I think two months is plenty of notice. I understand it is bad timing for you, but I think she made an effort to do what you asked.
INFO: Have you talked about this with your other siblings? Do they all buy plane tickets at any time? If this is about being left out of sibling stuff, why do you view this as being caused by the one sister specifically?
YTA
2 months is plenty of notice
Sorry you can’t come up with the money but that’s not her fault
Also why would anyone want to go out with you if you admit you are not an easy person to deal with
Edit: you admit it will take you a weekish to come up with the plane money
It’s not that much money then
Im going to go with a gentle YTA. Two months is not unreasonable notice. It seems like the real issue is the income disparity. Im someone who can afford nice trips, and I long ago got tired of downgrading my experiences because of other people’s financial limitations. So im completely on your sister’s side when it comes to that. It doesn’t feel great to invite someone on a trip they can’t afford, but knowing they’ll get mad if you don’t.
Now, the rest sounds more like you being frustrated at your current situation and fixating on this issue as a distraction.
YTA. You make plans then. Save up money and then contact them to plan a trip. People don’t always plan trips months in advance. They shouldn’t have to abide by that rule just because you have to.
If you can save money start a travel fund. Have that money ready for the next trip. Since this is your issue you need to find solutions, not expect them to change to accommodate you.
Here’s the thing, how much notice would your sister needed to have given for the flight? You say you live on “existential minimum” which makes it sound like there’s no possible leeway in your financial circumstances that could make this work? If I’m wrong, then surely you’d have some idea? Would 6 months have worked? 12?
The reason I ask is maybe there’s a fundamental economic incompatibility between how your sister can spend her free time and how you can. Which then leads to my second question—what would be some alternatives that you could financially justify and your sister would enjoy? She’s the one organising these activities after all.
Are you organising any activities? If so, does your sistem come along and enjoy them?
NTA i think you’re a bit too deep in the victim mindset or maybe it’s just self-hate but they aren’t asking you as a formality. They genuinely care about you. and I understand maybe 2 months is not enough to gather the money, but there’s definitely a better way to go about it especially cause she seems to care about you. Maybe a soft asshole for the harsh reaction you gave, but since you’re going through a tough time, it’s understandable.
Apologize to her and try to make it work.
Honestly, YTA, she doesn’t have to ask you, and she did give you plenty of time. I know it may seem tough, but put ANY extra money away for instances like this. If you really want to do something with her, be extra, extra frugal. Post on FB, asking to do odd jobs. Cutting lawns, shoveling snow, cleaning around the house, walking dogs. Anything to get a little extra money.
YTA, if you want to make events happen that are within your limited budget then make things happen within your limited budget. Stop expecting the world to slow down so you can keep up.
You say you could get enough money together for these trips if you had more time. How much time is enough? Start saving now and then in x number of months you will already have the money even if you “only” have 2 months notice. You don’t have to wait for a specific trip to be planned before you start saving.
Soft YTA
You know things like this can happen so if you do want to go why are you not saving a little every month for such occasions?
YTA – softly:
1) after years of this experience (since childhood) you have created no solutions. You mention you allocated funds elsewhere but why have you not established a sibling savings knowing this happens often? Or planed trips months out with your other siblings? Or made reservations for a moderate dinner weeks out? Or established communication skills within your family.
2) millions have disabilities and those with success don’t use it as an excuse. Speaking from experience.
3) are you, or have you been, in effective therapy? The communication, lack of solutions engagement, hating yourself, are all things that need to be resolved for your own health. Find a professional you connect with and start working on changing your life.
Bottom line regardless of reasons every individual needs to participate in their life and making that life the one they want to have. Help is not a weakness but a sign of strength.
Why don’t you offer to organise something to do with them but in a range you can afford? There is a miss match in your income but expecting your sister to do all the organising whilst accommodating your situation , is a little unfair.
Gentle YTA-I get it’s frustrating when people make plans last minute. However, if you wanted to hang out with them an emergency stash of money would work. Or make plans of things you know they’d like to do far in advance. It can get old fast to always be the one planning fun things and then a lot of pushback because it wasn’t done exactly right.