Hi, sorry if this sounds stupid or insensitive. I’m a sophomore in college (F19) and recently had a conflict with my friends that I’m confused about.
Freshman year my friends and I went out a lot since we didn’t have many responsibilities. This year has been much busier, so I’ve only gone out a few times for special events. Recently there was Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day, which is one of the biggest nights at my college. Even though I’m really busy this week and next, I decided to go out for that one night.
One of our friends was visiting from another college, so we pregamed together and had a lot of fun. After that we went to a party early to get a good spot in line. The party originally advertised $5 entry (subject to change), but by the time we reached the front after about an hour, it had gone up to $20.
Things happened really quickly after that. Most of my friends immediately decided they didn’t want to pay and left the line. Our visiting friend wanted to stay because she was there with her girlfriend and didn’t mind paying, even offering to pay for us, since it was her only weekend visiting.
I stayed briefly to tell her what was happening while the others walked away, but everything felt rushed and confusing because the group immediately started heading to another party I didn’t know about. While walking I kept asking where we were going but no one really answered until one friend finally yelled the name of the place.
When I heard it, I assumed it might also be overpriced. My stomach was hurting, the pregame had worn off, and I was tired from waiting in line for so long. Since this was my one night out and I might end up leaving the next party early anyway, I decided to just go home. I was disappointed, but still glad the pregame had been fun.
When I said that, our visiting friend ran over because she was confused. I told her she should do whatever she wanted since it was her weekend visiting, and if she wanted she could hang out with us the next day.
She got upset and started crying because something similar had happened before where my friends felt she didn’t balance time with us vs. her girlfriend well. My roommate and I reassured her she should stay with her girlfriend and not worry.
After that she went back in line, I went home, and the rest of my friends tried the other party. It ended up being overpriced too, so they went home as well.
Later my roommate told me that some of our friends were very mad at me and our visiting friend for “leaving them.”
I’m confused if that reaction is fair. I understand being disappointed the night didn’t work out or that we didn’t all stay together, but sometimes nights just end like that. Am I missing something?
NTA – They’re mad because you didn’t follow them to another party they didn’t stay for anyway? The sooner you learn to trust your own instincts and follow your own mind, the better.
Your friends sound immature. Their fun should not be directly connected to if one friend attends an event or not. Tell them all to grow up and you are allowed to do what you feel is best for you. And if they don’t like it then maybe they should find a babysitter to pay hourly to accompany them wherever they want to go since they are too scared to be without others.
In that situation, with the prices changing and everyone wanting to do different things after a few drinks I don’t think anyone should be blamed for how the night turned out. You were being pulled in two different directions and then bailed on both. Personally, I might have stayed with the friend who was visiting since they came to see you all, but I don’t see what your other friends are so upset about. They all made their own decisions and so did you.
Surge-pricing for parties. How current practice. Your friend want the experience. $20 isn’t insane if some beverages are provided. Even an intimate gathering amongst friends is still pricy.
I agree, except most of us are not very financially well off to budget that at the moment. We also already spent money trying to split the pregame drinks and outfits (have to wear green for the holiday) so we really weren’t trying to spend that much, if anything. The surge really caught us off guard.
I was very happy to encourage her to stay though. It’s her money, and she planned this out to spend while visiting. I just didn’t want to owe her anything by principle, as she also isn’t very well off and was already paying for her gf.
Just a complex situation overall that happened in the span of like 5 minutes and wasn’t communicated very well (or at all really).
This would be N A H if your friends weren’t trying to make it your problem. Technically they’re the ones who left your visiting friend, for one thing–and justifiably. If a group realizes different people want different things, it’s reasonable to split up. And if you’re not having fun someplace you should leave. You’ll have plenty of other opportunities to hang out with friends. It sounds like there’s a different conflict between your visiting friend and your other friends, but ultimately it’s up to your visiting friend to decide how to divide her time. It’s not like she didn’t spend any time with you all.
Also the pricing situation sounds nightmarish.
YTA. It’s fair to say that choosing not to go into a place when the cost has gone too high is a valid choice, but keep in mind that this is the friend group bailing on the girl who stayed with her GF. Bailing on your friend due to cost, when she offers to pay for you so you can stay with her and hang out, especially given that you’ve made her feel bad previously for not spending time with you, is absolutely A-holish.
She needs to stay with you if she wants to see you. You need to stay with her if you want to see her. Both options were equally valid, but hers moreso since she offered to pay for you to stay with her. Yours is LESS valid because the next place you wanted to go also was too expensive and everyone went home. How were you actually expecting to party with this friend if none of you were prepared to actually enter a club?
Thank you for this!!!
Just a few notes for clarification, and if it’s not a bother I’d appreciate your thoughts on this:
\-I never was involved with the ‘her time spent with us ‘drama, that was something that happened between them entirely and I didn’t know about until recently. I definitely don’t agree with them on it because it felt weirdly entitedly/possessive, and I let her know that as well.
\-Our group was 8 people, so I shut down her paying for us immediately because that adds up heavy. She is also in an iffy financial situation, so we would shut this down in any scenario. I also personally am in a bit of a rough situation, so I didn’t want to owe or have to pay her back $20 even if she didn’t expect reimbursement.
\-We went in expecting to pay only $5 since we were in the front of the line. The ppl with wristbands had priority though, so it ended up being way too long of a wait by the time it was our turn, and due to the nature of Unofficial they immediately surge priced (scummy).
\-I didn’t go to the other party at all, I left as soon as I heard where they were going. I also did not want to pay $20, so I figured the night was just over for me. Though, I kinda regret even considering going with them over my visiting friend just because I assumed it would be cheaper.
I really regret leaving her that night now, and it’s not an excuse but I just kinda followed the crowd especially since they were frustrated and kept calling for me. I definitely think my friends who left were in the wrong for getting upset when this was an under-communicated situation, and pretty uncaring in terms of telling our visiting friend what was actually happening.
Though, the price thing is somewhat fair as girls really never have to pay for parties at this college, and when we do it’s very cheap. I just don’t know what they expected going into another party late with their prices. Last year we bought wristbands which were like $20 for multiple parties, so they should have done that in retrospect.
I really dislike how they’re making my visiting friend feel, and I actually texted her about it this morning and apologized for the ruined night. I think it’s going to be a difficult talk with our friends if it happens since it’s essentially a 5 vs 2, but I’m wondering if it’s even worth staying friends with them as it’s very mentally taxing. One problem is that one of those friends is my roommate, and she is taking a bit of a fence-sitting/uninvolved stance on it. I really don’t want to ruin our living situation, and I (literally) can’t afford to either.
I think you are a tiny bit of an AH, but not for the reason that you are asking. You shouldn’t have left your visiting friend. She’s the only one who kept to the plan and was looking forward to your company.
Your other friends sound questionable. Are you sure they are really friends?
Yeah thank you genuinely for this perspective. 🙁
My visiting friend really did nothing wrong at all and I dislike that my other friends feel entitled to her… existence? I guess? Not sure how to put that into words.
I definitely should have handled it better, but I also wasn’t going to pay $20 either unfortunately and did not want to owe her anything as she is also in an iffy financial situation. I think going home was my best option, and she was going to spend the night with her girlfriend anyways so I would have been a bit of a third wheel, but I really should have communicated better with her and the others.
I’m confused because St. Patrick’s Day is a full 10 days away?
True, but spring break falls on the actual St.Pats Day here. So to make up for that, we have Unofficial, which lets everyone celebrate ‘Unofficial St Pats’ before then. I just go along with it lol.