On my days off I go to my mom’s house and make her dinner. She’s been pretty lonely since my dad passed away. I went on her tablet to search how to cook the pork chops I brought over. On her tablet I found the very specific Xmas gift I had bought for her.
I was really, really upset. I had really been looking forward to surprising her. Without getting into the details, she had snooped and figured out what her present was. I’m really bummed. Last year I was a hopeless alcoholic and got her a shitty gift at the last minute. Basically something I bought at the grocery store. This year I went above and beyond, and spent quite a bit, trying to redeem myself. I’ve been looking forward to surprising her with a great gift all month.
I’m having a hard time forgiving her and I kinda feel like she ruined Christmas. I don’t want Christmas to be ruined, but I don’t know how to react kindly when she opens her gift. I asked her if she looked up her gift and she said she hadn’t (she absolutely did. I know this). I then just grabbed my bag and left. Am I the Asshole? How do I recover Christmas and make it nice?
EDIT: Editing for clarity. I didn’t explain myself well enough. It could not be a coincidence that she just happened to search for that gift. Think "purple sweater with snowflakes on the shoulders with a yellow lace trim on the collar and sleeves." It’s not literally that, but the chances of her searching it up are none. Zero.
I left out the way that she found out because I thought it was kinda irrelevant. She has access to my Amazon account so she can watch Prime on her smart TV. She must have logged into my account on her PC or Tablet.
YTA. You have no idea if she was looking at it because she knows you bought it or if she’s looking because she plans to buy it for herself.
YTA. What a childish reaction.
YTA for jumping the gun. You know what they say about assuming.
YTA How is her looking for something you know she would like on her tablet snooping?
Your position makes no sense. How did she know you were planning on getting her that present?
Did you tell her? Did she snoop on your electronics? Did you tell a friend in secret who told her?
YTA.
Please seek counseling. You’re weaponizing gift giving and it shows a high need for control and instability.
I like to do “the story I’m telling myself” method and fact check yourself. Your topic is the gift, your underlying issue is the trigger that caused you to overreact in such a way that lacks self awareness and emotional intelligence.
I think the context is really important here as well – I interpreted it as, OP got their mom a really shitty last minute gift, which probably also hurt her and made her feel under appreciated. This year, to “protect” herself from that and manage expectations, she looked up what she was expected to receive so that she wouldn’t be disappointed in the moment.
OP, I think it’s great that you’re recovering and that you’re putting in all this effort, but don’t forget that you probably also really hurt other people along the way.
YTA. She ruined Christmas because she searched for something you are trying to gift her? How? She still doesn’t know that that is your present. If she looked for it, at least it seems to be something that she would really enjoy. And even if she already bought it before, you would still prove that you really thought about it and wanted to give a beautiful gift.
Complete overreaction to something that isn’t bad and isn’t anyone’s fault.
I accidently found out what my bf was giving me because a delivery notification came across the Alexa tv. It could have been an accident. Why don’t you give her a little grace. It sounds like she is having a rough time and has been supportive of you.
YTA… regardless of how she found out – she’s probably still going to be happy about it. You’re making this about yourself because you want to do a grand gesture with a gift to makeup for past shitty behavior to make yourself feel better… I’m sure she that even if she knows what the gift is, she would still be grateful for it.
So YTA 2 years running now. Idgaf if she snooped or guessed or not, you’re treating her awfully at the lowest point in her life way to go. You could’ve googled pork chops on your own phone. Do better and for the love of your mother just fucking choose kindness.
YTA going off on something like this is weird….if you become emotionally imbalanced for a situation like this, maybe you need to talk to someone
It sounds like you still hold a lot of guilt over last Christmas, and have been telling yourself that the gift you’ve bought will make you worthy of forgiveness, or similar. Or maybe you feel that your mum ruining the surprise is bad behaviour equal to yours last year, so if you can label her behaviour as awful, it will cancel out how bad yours was?
So the question to consider is maybe: What does your mum deserve Christmas to look like this year?
Would she prefer the gift you’ve chosen, along with you being angry and maybe even skipping Christmas Day?
Or is your healthy new life, plus company over Christmas, the best gift she can have.
I know you’re still working your way out of whatever had you over-drinking this time last year, but chances are you’re still a bit self-focused because of that. Could you maybe try challenging yourself to come up with a story that explains her Google results kindly? For example – Maybe she accidentally discovered the present idea, and is so, so happy that you found her such a thoughtful present, that she’s had an extra month of joy anticipating it – she just can’t resist going to the website & enjoying it a bit more.
YTA right now, but you’ve still got time to turn it around to NAH.
spending a lot of money on a christmas gift isn’t how you redeem yourself for your past behavior. being kind to your mom is. YTA for this bizarre overreaction, you have to know this is asshole behavior. if you keep this up, you’ll ruin christmas 2 years in a row.
YTA
“my mom figured out what I’m getting her for Christmas because I bought her gift using an amazon account she has access to”.
Maybe next time don’t use an amazon account she has access to when buying her gift?…… It’s your fault she found out. One other thing to consider… Maybe she wanted that item and was checking to see if you got it for her thus meaning she doesn’t have to get it herself. That, and does she not like surprises?? I know plenty of people that don’t.