My (M35) wife’s (F34) one wish for her birthday was to spend it with me and her parents. So I coordinated with her parents, picked a restaurant, and picked them up.
My birthday was two weeks before. The night before her dad texted me and said “can you please let me pay for lunch? It’s both your birthdays and I want to be able to do that” I pushed back. He insisted.
By that point it was too late for me to find something else to do for her birthday in a day so I just went with the plans along as normal.
So lunch happens. The check comes and my wife’s dad reaches for it. I let him. My wife taps my arm and tells me to split it. She doesn’t know the convo I had with her dad the night before. I put my card down. Her dad says “you don’t hav to do that” I pull my card back.
My wife gives me a look. The rest of the night was fine but then she tells me she’s bummed because she feels like I didn’t really get her anything for her birthday. I explain the text from her dad but she’s upset because 1. The restaurant was $73 a person and I picked it so she feels that was rude 2. She thinks I should have insisted on at least paying half since it was my birthday gift to her and I am her husband and 3. I didn’t get her anything else except a card which I bought when I was with her at the store that morning which made her feel like I didn’t prepare. (I was running out of time and didn’t know how to get it at a time when she wasn’t there) I also said I would get her birthday flowers at the store but then forgot to when I was rushing out. She told me she didn’t like that I was buying her birthday card right in front of her and it felt like I wasn’t being thoughtful.
The night before I did cook her a nice lamb chop dinner and I got her breakfast and coffee that morning.
For background, I’ll admit my wife is very thoughtful with elaborate birthdays for me and anyone she loves. I try to be equally as thoughtful but I’m not the best at gift giving.
She’s doing a smaller brunch with her friends the next day and I tried to text one of her friends to use the money I would have spent at lunch with her parents to send to her friend to put toward brunch. But she figured out that I was doing that and asked me not to because she said it felt like a makeup gift and didn’t actually involve me because I wouldn’t be there.
She’s not angry but she’s a bit bummed and distant but I felt I was trying. Am I the asshole?
TLDR: I planned a birthday lunch for my wife but accepted the offer from her dad to pay for it and now my wife feels like I didn’t do anything thoughtful for her birthday.
Edit to add: the night before I made her an elaborate dinner and got her breakfast and coffee.
YTA. If the only thing you did for her birthday was but her a card, which you did IN FRONT OF HER, then you did nothing for her birthday.
I’m not sure if you paying half would have actually fixed the problem here. I mean, you didn’t even get her a card. You got her no presents at all, no flowers or anything thoughtful. You just booked a meal.
You say she puts in all this effort for other peoples birthdays and that you try to do the same but then all you did was book a meal. That’s pretty low effort.
Kind of YTA.
I agree. The issue of her dad paying seems fine to me: he asked in advance to do it as gift to both of you.
The problem is that you put in no effort or thought at all. You bought her bday card in front of her????
1) Put a reminder on your phone for her “half bday” (6 months after her actual bday).
Set it up the reminder for two weeks before to prepare. Take her to dinner, and get her a couple of thoughtful Gifts (they don’t even have to be expensive , but should show that you see her—favorite hand lotion, gift card to a store she likes, and pretty earrings, etc.).
Tell her you felt bad you didn’t really Come Through on her bday and wanted her to know it won’t happen again.
2) Birthdays come Once a year: put reminders on your phone NOW starting one month before the date. Set them up weekly so you have time to plan/prepare to do something nice.
Some ideas: (Of course You should get a card). surprise her by inviting her two closest friends to a surprise lunch (that you set up/pay for) so she can feel the love, take her to dinner, choose a thoughtful gift, leave her little Notes the week leading up to of her bday about something you appreciate about her, etc.
Good luck!
YTA. buying a card IN FRONT of her, and forgetting flowers is peak bad husband. in regards to lunch you’re NTA cause her dad wanted to pay. but bc she didn’t know. now you look like an even bigger AH. why didn’t you do anything for her birthday????
I mean yeah, YTA, her dad got her a present and you only got her a card.
Think really hard and buy her something nice without being told what to get.
Next time, don’t forget the flowers, and don’t buy anything for her in front of her. Plan better so you have time. You literally have all year to figure this shit out.
Yta you really did get her anything but a card. I hear a bunch of excuses you need to grow up. Knowing you weren’t paying for lunch you should’ve prepared. You sound like she should be ok with being an after thought.
YTA
Not for letting her Dad pay for lunch but for putting no effort at all into her birthday.
Thinking you could make up for it by hijacking the brunch her friends planned for her was also a lazy solution.
You should have bought her a thoughtful gift from the start .
You’re NTA for letting her dad pay for the meal when he specifically reached out beforehand and asked to do so.
You’re obviously TA for the rest. Come on man, the only thing you got her was a last minute card which you *bought in front of her*? Get your wife a gift and flowers on her birthday. It’s not that hard.
You didn’t “run out of time”. Her birthday is on the same day every year. Be an adult and plan.
YTA! Not because you let her dad pay for her birthday dinner. That was between you and her father and she had no right to be mad since her dad insisted on paying. The issue is that you didn’t get her a present for her birthday. The least you could do was send flowers or get her a gift card. At this point, there there’s nothing you can do to make up for this year because she already feels that this is just a make up gesture. Going forward, however, you need to do better.
YTA for acknowledging that your wife likes elaborate birthdays but not making an effort anyway. Even if you had paid, it’s still very low effort. We should also express love the way our partner likes to receive it, specially on significant occasions.
My partner and I are opposites on this one too. But during our birthdays, we celebrate the way the other person wants to be celebrated because it is about THEM, what THEY like, and how THEY would feel loved.
YTA for making so little effort for her birthday. Don’t give us the “I’m not the best at gift giving”, that’s basically weaponized incompetence because you aren’t actually putting any effort into it. For next year, put a reminder into your phone for one month ahead of time, then 3 weeks, 2 weeks, 1 week, and actually DO something meaningful for your wife for her birthday.
Why didn’t you get her a gift? Why did you buy her card in front of her? Sure, dad ended up paying for birthday lunch but it is customary to buy your wife a gift… you know, spend some time choosing it, wrapping it up etc. actual effort.
Plus why would you say ‘I’m going to get you flowers’ like you want points in advance?
I’ll help you out.
The gesture is surprise! Honey I’ve bought you some lovely flowers, here’s your thoughtful gift and I said I would let your dad treat us to lunch cause he messaged and insisted but I’ll take you out next weekend and treat you to a romantic meal…
You seem so low effort. Doing the bare minimum you feel is acceptable instead of wanting to please and delight your wife. Sad really. You hurt her feelings every time you fail to pre-plan, fail to pull off a thoughtful gesture. If your wife was scrabbling round last minute and failed to put any effort into your birthday I’m sure you’d feel pretty hurt.
YTA
YTA. Dude, why are you on reddit?
Go to the flower shop, get a huge bouquet of her favorite flowers. You could’ve have done it while she was out to brunch and have it set up when she gets back. If not then, DO IT NOW!
Stop making excuses, get off reddit and do something nice already!
Make a note in your phone for EVERY YEAR to do this or set up something ahead of time. Stop making excuses.
Off the top of my head without even knowing your wife, you could get her a massage or pedicure gift card. You could get her a box of chocolates, flowers, a heartfelt poem. You could find when her fav artist is nearby and plan a date trip that you guys go to the concert or museum and dinner/ hotel. You could easily do this local with a favorite movie and dinner. Hint: Wicked is out now! Get her a pink shirt or dress and you wear green, and you go get Italian – salads, vodka (pinkish) pasta, and a yummy dessert before the movie.
She is asking for your time and energy. Instead you are giving it to reddit and saying you don’t know how. LEARN!!!!
You “ran out of time” to get her a card and “forgot” to buy the flowers you meant to get her. Yes YTA. Her birthday is the exact same date every single year, you had all the time in the world to buy her a card. And again, how do you forget the flowers? Did you forget her birthday, or did you just not think it was important? This isn’t about who paid for lunch.
Question – do you forget deadlines at work? Do you run out of time on your work deliverables? If the answer is no, then you are treating your wife like she’s just not important enough for you to consider. The best case scenario here is that you didn’t realize that and it wasn’t intentional. But you need to do much better.