So me (18M) and my dad (58M) have always had a rocky relationship, and part of that is because of his poor hygiene and lack of consideration for others. My mom (56F) works out of town and is only home for three days a week (friday, saturday, sunday) and when she is home the chores and cooking is split 50/50 between us. My dad and mom were both in the millitary and retired at the same time 12 years ago but my mom kept working and has been working at the same place for about 10 years, never home on weekdays. My grandma lives with us and when mom isnt home its completely my job to take care of her, cook and clean. This is difficult for me as i am studying for university exams (Yks turkish exam) and in cram school for 12 hours a day. My dad does absolutely nothing to help.
My dad eats a lot. He is always awake the whole night digging through the fridge. He also had a heart attack because of his weight two years ago and we beg him to eat normally but he thinks any advice is disrespect. Its to the point where some days me and my grandma dont even have anything to eat despite me cooking the food because my dad eats most of it and even when he doesnt eat everything he gets defensive over the food left saying we caused his heart attack because we make him angry so we should at least let him have something to eat.
My mom made a cake on sunday before going to work for us all to eat throughout the week, on tuesday i saw most of the cake was gone, only two slices worth left and so i put it in a container and hid it in my room. My dad was out at this time and when he came back he kept asking everyone if there was any cake left and i lied and said no. When i went into the shower an hour later he rummaged through my room, found it and scolded me about lying and disrespecting him and i just couldn’t take it anymore so i told him how we were all sick of working our asses off just to feed him and starve. He didnt appreciate this and we got in an argument that ended in him taking my phone and saying im not providing anything and he buys all our food so i shouldn’t get to enjoy things he buys (including my phone)
I texted my mom from my grandmas phone and she and my grandma think i went too far and even if what he does is wrong it’s just how he is and i should find ways around it and try not to make him angry because he’s had many health conditions in the past year and is not in a good mental state. But I’m also struggling with my health, i have a chronic illness called hashimoto’s disease and it makes all of this exhausting. On top of that i have cleanliness ocd so cleaning up after him is even more tedious. I think I’m in the right and we shouldn’t have to put up with him when hes a grown man throwing tantrums over cake and we are just trying to live our lives normally. My two sisters who have moved out also think i went too far and thats just how my dad is. Am I the asshole?
NTA, but your dad certainly is, and everyone else seems all too happy to enable him. It sucks when you’re the one saddled with him the most and no one seems to care. As a note, though, if your dad isn’t working, he’s not the one paying for everything — your mom is — but pointing that out is just going to make things worse.
I don’t suppose it’s likely you’ll be able to move out soon, is it? They don’t sound very supportive. Best thing you can do is keep your head down and keep out of his way until you can leave home after uni. Make only the food you and grandma are going to eat in the moment, and leave him a normal-sized portion. He can cook for himself if he wants more — but he probably won’t.
in my country after working for a certain amount of time you get a small salary after retiring so he pays somethings sometimes but yeah my mom buys almost everything as she makes six times more than what my dad does, pointed it out once and it went terribly.
I agree that its best to try to stay out of his way but its hard to control getting angry especially because of exam stress but i really should try more and get out after uni. sigh
I have hashimotos and was exhausted. I was never tested for T3 hormone. I take liothyronine now and have much better health. If you are not converting T4 to T3 you will feel exhausted. Taking levothyroxine alone will not be of any use. I went years feeling exhausted , so I hope you don’t mind me sharing my story.
will look into it, i was getting confused as to why the levothyroxine wasnt helping at all when my mom has it too and it works for her😭 thank you for opening my eyes to different options!!
If you can find a way to move out, do so. Parents can take care of Grandma. Stress and nutrition affects your health too. Seems it’s up to you to protect yourself. I’m sorry.
Let me get this straight. Your father, who contributes nothing around the house, eats so much food that you and your grandmother are basically starving, and everyone is telling you to accept it because that’s just how he is? Fuck that. NTA. You need to move in with your sisters or to your own place.