I, 32f, am 14 weeks pregnant. I asked my boyfriend 36m, after I got off of my bartending shift if he would rub my feet. He has always rubbed my feet after a shift long before I was pregnant, it’s never been an issue. Last night when I asked he said “yeah, if you rub mine first”. He normally hates to even have his feet touched, and I thought it was a joke. So I joked back, (while I was rubbing his feet), “of course I will, I know those feet ache after sitting at your desk 😉” He got pissed off and got up and went to bed without speaking to me or my preteen child, who was in the living room when all this transpired. When I got ready to go to bed, I went in the bedroom and asked him why he stormed off without saying good night or anything, and he said “tired, been sitting at a desk all week”. I told him he was being a jerk and I only made the joke because I thought he was joking first. He did come visit me on my bartending shift and had a buzz, and lately when he is buzzing he has had a tendency to be kind of ugly to me. We’ve been together for almost 4 years and other than the handful of times recently we’ve only had the issue of him being nasty when he was drinking one other time. He is the breadwinner and pays the majority of the bills, I told him I know his job is stressful, and I know it’s difficult and that there’s more to it than just sitting at a desk, but he just ignored me. I slept on the couch and cried myself to sleep, but was I wrong to make a joke about his job??
ETA: I did apologize when he woke up and told him I never would want him to feel unappreciated, that I know he works hard and that his job can be super stressful, and I just shouldn’t have made the joke. He apologized as well because he felt like he overreacted and should have known that I didn’t mean it that way, and that I do show my appreciation. We touched on the other stuff and will continue to work on it. I appreciate all the insight from everyone so I could understand potentially why what I thought was an innocent joke, was so bothersome to him.
I’m not pregnant, but I know your feet hurt girl 😭 I would say that you gotta be careful, my husband got a desk job and he’s the most stressed I’ve ever seen him. The stress got him irritable and snappy. I actually stressed out by how stressed he is.
This should be in the category of relationships that aren’t going to make it
Work is work and most people dont want hear about work after work.
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Yta you may have thought he was joking. But you made it personal by implying that because he sits around all day your needs are greater than his.
Basically saying you do nothing all day why should you get a foot rub. I have done both office work and hospitality work. Both can be demanding in different ways. A foot rub is a pleasant way to relax.
Could he have expressed himself better, yes. But so could you.
Yes, very wrong. People who work with their heads, also get tired, same way as these who work with their hands.
Sounds like some communication issues. Also not everyone has the career they want and even playful jokes may trigger a sense of guilt you are not aware of. He may also have imposter syndrome in his career, where he undervalues himself and has professional self doubt. Does not take much to push him over an emotional edge.
I also am not great at communicating but if my partner says something that may trigger something inside I tell her to stop and explain why it offends me. Can be a repressed guilt, shame, or frustration.
If my partner came and apologized if something she said might have bothered me I may have been more open to discuss the underlying issue. If my partner came and called me a jerk I would have told her to go away in a not so pleasant way even though I am being a jerk.
Remember also the way you were raised and the way he was raised is not at all the same and some people have more tolerances/thicker skin for certain subjects. Through your relationship you will likely always be learning about each other, and the best thing at the end of the day is communication. Again, I suck at coms, so does my partner but in different ways. One way I have found to surmount my desire to be avoidant is just to blurb out the thing I want to do desperately avoid in a neutral way, and then that forces you to talk about it. Almost like jumping off a verbal cliff.
Also, being tactful is also very very important. Even though I am wanting to throw a slor, insult, or include a colorful adjective at my partner, I am aware it is unproductive to do so, so is being passive aggressive, or pointing to another unrelated issue (tu quoque falacy in a way).
Alcohol also affects everyone differently, I know people that become physically aggressive, and some others that become the greatest philosophers. Either way it usually is not a great mix with intimate communications if alcohol affects him the wrong way.
YTA. You may have thought he was joking with you, but your “joke” towards him was blatantly insulting. And, instead of apologizing, you called HIM a jerk.
This isn’t about the desk job, this is probably about the lack of appreciation he feels as a partner.
I am not excusing anything but he’s probably feels under some pressure right now. You guys have a baby on the way, you have another child already and preteens love to fucking eat, and is your bartending job covering healthcare expenses and benefits?
You said he’s been rubbing your feet long before you were pregnant… what have you done for him lately?
ESH
Your joke implied he didn’t need/deserve a foot rub and minimised his efforts at work. Your job is probably way more physically demanding, but that doesn’t mean his isn’t stressful. Maybe he just needed a bit of comfort. So, yeah, you were wrong to make a joke about his job.
He over-reacted and, coupled with his recent change of behaviour when having a drink, seems to be going through something. Once emotions are cooled perhaps the two of you need to talk through to the issues below this.
ESH. However, I’m more worried about his behavior after drinking. Get ahead of this or get out.
2 things can be true.
– you should not have mocked his work. Office work isn’t physically taxing but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have very hard days/weeks or that he doesn’t get tired and worn down working. If he is often rubbing your feet after work what have you been doing to help him unwind? You could rub his neck and shoulders, they probably get tight and sore if he’s at his desk most days.
– he should not be drinking if he can’t control himself when he does and you should not tolerate being treated badly when he does. That’s a huge problem.
It sounds like he’s getting resentful because you don’t value his work but expect him to be supportive of yours. If he feels he can’t say how tired or stressed he is at work without some cutting remark about his cushy desk job no wonder he is not happy. Getting acknowledgment in an apology where you grudgingly admit you know he works hard but then mock him the next time it comes up isn’t the same as having a partner who genuinely knows you work hard. It’s possible that’s the resentment coming out when he drinks. Ask yourself if you really should stay with someone you clearly don’t respect. Ask yourself if you should stay with someone who can’t communicate how he feels so drinks and is mean instead. You might both be happier if you split up. You could find someone who worked the kind of physical job you respect and who doesn’t drink their pain. He could find someone who values his work and maybe get a handle on his drinking.
Explain the joke to yourself in detail. Why is it funny? Is it funny because you believe his job is easy and relaxing? Is it funny because even though he works more, your job is physically harder?
I’m not saying his reaction was great, but humans need touch. The stress of being a first-time father of a newborn, planning around medical expenses and leave, and whatever horrific shit other people have been telling him means he probably needs to be comforted. When is the last time you gave him a really solid hug or asked how he is feeling?
YTA. Sounds like your joke really hit a nerve. It may be indicative of the fact that you make light of the job that he does. And then instead of talking to him you have still made this about you. You need to talk to your partner about what’s really going on with him and make sure you are both appreciating each other adequately.