My Oma passed away very suddenly in January, she was my father’s mother and he passed away during my childhood. Other than her, that side of the family stopped talking with my mother, me and my youngest brother after my Father died.
Context is important, I have a half brother and a step brother, both older, who were also my father’s. When I was 16 because they lived several towns away, I actually hitchhike out there to go see them and spend the night with them. It was so awkward and I felt so unwanted there that I didn’t end up spending the night. I managed to get a ride back home and we took a photo of the three of us. That’s the last time I saw them well over a decade ago.
When she passed away he asked my mother to call him. She flat out refused wanting nothing to do with it and I guess I foolishly made the mistake of calling him. The conversation was awkward, he told me that he still talks with his biological mother. I told him that her or one of us could reach out with the service details but he should ask.
I alone don’t get told when the services are until the day before. The whole time I am texting the side of my family telling them I really want to be involved with things. That’s a whole other can of worms though…
It’s a 2-day service and he’s there neither days. He doesn’t reach out until almost a week later asking when things are. I’d let him know that her service is already happen. He reasonably goes off. He says a lot of nasty things, I asked him if he once again still talks to his mother. He says yes. I talked to her, he says yes. He still has a good relationship with her. I asked why she didn’t tell him then? This also was posted by several family members online. I have since confirmed he does have social media and he does use the platforms.
I let him know, twice. That he can still come with us to help clean her house. I let him know the date and the time range, we’d be getting there around noon and we’d be there pretty much the whole day and night.
A week later he once again messages me yelling at me saying I can’t believe you guys cleaned at her house. He insists that I didn’t tell him the dates and times, I literally resent him the text messages.
He wants the numbers of family members I don’t even talk to. I basically told him to give me his address, I will send him some of her stuff in the mail and then I never want to speak to him again. He gives me his address in between telling me how much he wishes bad things on my family.
AITAH?
NTA
In my opinion you are being used as a scapegoat for your brother’s own lack of effort and his biological mother’s failure to communicate.
Death often brings out the worst in people, and your brother is projecting his guilt onto you.
>It’s a 2-day service and he’s there neither days. He doesn’t reach out until almost a week later
>He reasonably goes off. He says a lot of nasty things
You’ve been estranged from these people your whole life. When you did meet them when you were 16, it was awkward. The only thing in common here was your Grandma. Outside of her, it was family in name only.
You did your due diligence. The bio mother did hers as well. For such a fractured and non-communicative family, you did the best you could do. Outside of your efforts, the rest is on the other family to show, or not.
This seems to be one of those unfortunate situations where it’s understandable to keep the distance that had always been there. It’s been difficult, and volatile dealing with this guy, when all you’re trying to do is get your grandma’s affairs in order.
You never know what kicking the family log will stir up.
NTA
I guess I just feel bad because I do remember when we were kids. My little brother doesn’t remember him at all.
I guess I just could have sent another text with a copy of her obituary just to make sure he saw it. Her death just hit me hard and I’ve been really out of it. But one extra text said he could have been there. Other than his Bio mom I know he doesn’t really talk to the family either. And even that I don’t have any way to know if that’s true or not.
His anger, resentment, blaming, and avoidant behavior are his beasts to live with. It sounds like he had a harder time with everything, after the family split. And who really knows what he went through.
But that’s him. None of that is on you.
NTA. Its not your responsibility, unless you said you would do it.
As a side note. When one of my relatives died, some of the estranged family decided the funeral time was the perfect time to raid their house for valuables.