My (F18) grandparents have done objectively bad things to my family over the years. For some context, my mom was born in the middle of my grandpa’s affair with another woman, leaving my grandma pregnant and also having to go through a divorce. My grandma left my grandpa, and they both started over, but drama has always been there between them. My grandpa was reintroduced to my mom when she was 8, didn’t want to change her birth name (my grandpa’s last name), and has always sought contact with him even after he got married again, had another daughter, and stealthy avoided being an active father.
This Christmas, my mom received a message from my her father and stepmother asking to meet up for Christmas. This was a last minute request and my dad and I already had plans to go see the new Avatar movie, so neither of us wanted to go. My mom was not pleased and gave me the cold shoulder, but I genuinely don’t understand why she strives to maintain contact with these people. Her stepfather has been the best father she could ever ask for, and he’s the only grandpa I currently acknowledge since my paternal grandparents have both sadly passed away. My grandpa has neglected and mistreated my mom her entire life, even trying once when she was little to kidnap her from my grandma’s camper she was living in at the time, and has always prioritized my mom’s half-sister and her children over my mom, myself, and my sisters. Three weeks before Christmas was my nephew’s birthday, and my sister extended an invite to them to come to the party in spite of the result we all expected. To no surprise, they said they could not come because they already “promised” to come to my cousin’s soccer game at the same time. This game was also conveniently “canceled” only after the party ended. They sent a $10 gift card to compensate.
Their neglect, horrible treatment, and disgusting attitudes toward my family has completely changed my perspective about them. Living in a rural community that was recently destroyed by a tropical storm, we expected them to contact us after we regained power after a month with concern. But we heard nothing from them regarding our safety and wellbeing even though we tried repeatedly to reach out. This is all what led me to refuse to go to Christmas with them. My mom’s stepmom sent me a text and just from the notification I got, I could see she was angry for our refusal to come, but I have ignored any and all texts from her since Christmas Day. My aunt (the half sister) messaged me saying that we should’ve come because we don’t know how long my grandparents have left so we should all be together when possible. My mom is since over it and I believe she has started to see their flaky and shallow behavior as well. So am I the asshole for refusing to go to Christmas with my grandparents?
Oh you are NTA, you don’t need to keep toxic people in your life for the sake of “keeping the peace”, ever.
NTA – they arent your grandparents – they’re just an unfortunate piece of your genetic makeup.
NTA, obviously. To tell the truth, it’s enough that you had prior plans with your dad! “Sorry, I can’t be there, I already have plans.”
Also: Try not to involve yourself in your mother’s opinions of her father. Those are hers alone. You’ve already given up on him (understandably) but she hasn’t, and there’s nothing you can do but (silently) judge her for that. It’s not fair of her to be mad at you for saying no to spending time with your grandfather, but you’re old enough to handle that with “I had other plans” or, if pushed, “I don’t care for him.” Then change the subject.
NTA I would sit down and I would write a letter to your grandpa.Explaining his actions, you did this, you did that.You did this, you did that.And you have done nothing but hurt our family and excluded us. you have prioritized your other part of the family as if they’re more important.And I would say you have absolutely no rights, you or your wife to get upset that we don’t want to be around you because of your actions and the way you’ve treated us. not only will he realize how he’s hurt your side of the family.If he even has a heart, then, he and his wife will understand why you don’t want to attend any more functions in the future. it also will be very healing for you! i wouldn’t tell anyone else till after the letter is sent that way.No one can stop you! Best of luck! 🙏
NTA to not go for yourself, but kinda the AH to not go for moral support for your mom. Regardless of history, be there for your mom, she needs you and she may have needed to go. Complicated situation for sure.