Me and my fiancé then were planning an engagement party, leading up to the engagement party day i noticed some behavior changes in him, so the day before the party I received a text message from him saying he wants to take me out to breakfast and has a surprise for me on the day of. In the morning he got me flowers, then took me to breakfast after we were done he took me to visit my father’s grave and he said since your father is not gonna be with us today I thought we’d stop by and get his blessings, which made me very emotionally to the point I cried infront of him for the first time, he stood awkwardly not knowing what to do. On the way back I asked if anyone helped him with this, he said nope its all him. So I went home happy and told my best friend of 12 years about it who was sleeping over, and I texted our friends groupchat about how happy i was from this gesture and that was the last nice gesture he did for months.
so we ended up fighting alot I kept feeling like I was a chore for him, but kept giving chances because of this nice gesture and because I showed him my weakness, long story short I endured alot because of this moment we shared but ended up breaking off the engagement 5 months later because he wasn’t responsible or mature, lied to me about so many things, and wasn’t willing to show up for me when i needed him like i showed up for him when him or his family needed me. I gave him so many chances, and expressed it in text and in person to him but he never did any work or welling to work with me. obviously I was heartbroken but felt free.
1 month post breakup I started to slowly get back on my feet, my best friend calls and tells me there’s a secret I’ve been keeping from you for a while idk if I should tell you or not, so I urged her to talk then she proceeded and said i told your ex-fiance about the place where you’re dad was buried and told him to do what he did on the day of the engagement party, I was silent for a bit on the phone then I was like its over, 2 days later I still kept having this aching feeling, a feeling of being exposed, of being betrayed, so I asked to see the messages, she sent me the screenshot, so it turned out it was her idea and sent him a message first begging him to do that and basically telling him about how I become weak there, mind you she’s the only one I ever took with me to the cemetery, only friend that knew this grieving side of me, the only one I trusted with this and showed her the weakness, so she asks why I want the screenshots, I replied well you had no right to do that without asking me first or at least telling me about it, thats crossing many lines here best friend or not, she kept saying oh is that the thanks I get for wanting you to have a good day or wanting you to share a moment with your fiance, she was like I wanted to do that but thought he should instead, I replied you and I we shared the whole journy of grieving together and you know about it all but him I wasn’t ready to share this side of me with him yet, so she kept arguing that she did nothing bad and making me the bad guy for even dare asking, oh also she sent him screenshots of my messages with my friend’s groupchat about that morning, she kept saying she did nothing wrong, wished she never told me. She never apologized for hurting me, never even tried, she just kept blaming me. Also she knew I wasn’t ready to share this side of me with my fiancé before hand, because I explicitly told her that when we i got engaged. It takes years for me to open up about this side of me because it took me years to heal. I did share part of it with my fiancé then but not all of it because this is mine, my journey my healing my pain, and I am not ready to share it.
Background update: when she got engaged 4 years before me, she wouldn’t even allow me to say hi to her fiancé, even after they got married she got mad when I said I’ll add him to our groupchat which consisted of our friend group and their significant others and said why u want his number and even saying hi when we met up wasn’t allowed because she wanted boundaries and I respected it then and never crossed them.
Relationship background: how we got engaged it was very rushed because his family were extremely religious and traditional, I am not, but they saw dating for longer than 5 months was too much, and kept insisting just engagement and do the wedding whenever we are ready, so I gave him the chance to see how he acts. In my culture its normal to get engaged pretty quick. I was feeling comfortable with him, some feelings but I still haven’t opened up completely to him.
This happened in july 2025
AITA?
INFO: You weren’t ready to grieve your dad in front of your fiance? Why were ya’ll getting married if you had all these problems? You don’t even make it clear why you broke up…
It does genuinely sound like your friend was trying to be your exes wing man and had no intentions of crossing boundaries. Again I find it real strange that you were ready to marry him but not ready to cry in front of him. That, for many people, wouldn’t be an issue.
That being said you can be mad for whatever reason you want.
Your friend was trying to teach the man how to be a caring thoughtful partner. There was no ill wish here. Yes, she should’ve confessed to helping. But she was trying to give you and he a helping hand. Forgiveness is free, and it often makes us feel better to.
NAH.
The real issue here is with the telling.
Your friend thought she was doing the right thing, and while you feel betrayed by her sharing that grieving you did together, please keep in mind that you did it together. That means she owns a share of that. She can share it with whom she wishes. She picked the wrong opportunity here, because it affected you and your relationship negatively, but she did not do so with bad intentions. She did so with the best intentions, and while you feel differently, in part, that experience is hers to share.
You’re not wrong in expressing your feeling of betrayal here, even with allowances made for her. It was the wrong opportunity for something like this, and intentions don’t change the hurt you feel. They should mitigate the betrayal though. This is a situation where intentions matter.
NAH. Your friend was trying to help your then fiance do something kind for you. It’s really, really odd that you were engaged to marry him but not willing to talk to him about your late father. It’s not fair to expect her to work around such a messed up relationship dynamic.
I think you’re still mad at yourself for staying in a bad relationship for so long and looking to blame it on your friend.
I think if you have an opportunity to talk to your friend you should work through this. I can understand still feeling a lot of grief but if you are about to marry someone they are supposed to know you deeply…which would certainly include this. I think your friend was being a friend (from what I understand). I don’t think you were the AH but I do think you overreacted and should try to work it out. We don’t get many great friends in our life and this sounds like a friend who really loves you. And if they do then I think they will be open to reconciliation but you need to be prepared to hear what she needs to say too and apologize where appropriate. It sounds like you were both hurt unintentionally so hopefully you can repair that and be even stronger.
YTA…. Your friend was trying to do something nice for you. And why would you be engaged to someone you can’t share every side of you with?!
I don’t love ‘she’s really weak there’ comment. That’s not something a friend should share with another person,
I’m glad you didn’t marry him, maybe talk it through more with your friend ??
I tried, she kept blaming me then and I swear if she apologized once I wouldve forgiven her, but she didn’t and kept insisting that she didn’t cross a line
I can see her thinking it would be good for you. However, nobody letting you know it wasn’t his idea, isn’t good. This caused you to stay in what I’m assuming was a bad relationship, which I’m assuming you told her about. Why didn’t she say something sooner? When you shared your hurt, she could say she thought she was helping you, and didn’t think it would hurt you, and she’s sorry.
The fact she felt comfortable doing all that with no apology, and now won’t let you have her fiance’s number for the group chat is nuts. Also, telling him that is a weakness for you sounds like letting him know ways to hurt you…and sounds like he was the type to look for those, so….
Yta because I can’t even follow your story. Why did you break up with him? I don’t even understand why you’re so mad at your friend? How long were you even with this guy that you were engaged but hadn’t even been emotional with him yet?????
It sounds like you need to work through some things before you get close to anyone else again. You don’t sound emotionally healthy or mature.
ESH
Your friend for lying
Your ex-fiance for lying
You for clearly having some serious unresolved issues emotionally to the point that any perceived offense leads to the nuclear option of ending relationships.
Holy wall of text and run-on sentence
So it was fine when your ex did what he did, even though you had no idea how he knew, and then when you find out that your best friend tried to help you, you’re mad at her? I don’t understand you.