Throwaway because I don’t need more irl drama. My husband (M31) and I (F35) live in a cramped, cluttered apartment with two cats. He works in a fairly seasonal career that is currently impacted by the economy, so he got a second part time job a few months ago to cover layoff periods. Usually my salary is enough for us to get by, and for the past six years I’ve been covering bills when he was laid off, but I’m on furlough at the moment. Relevant, I promise.
He’s been making friends at his new job, which is great, and I’m happy for him. 100% encourage him to have fun and do things with his new friends, but it’s only been a few months. I don’t know any of these people, and he hasn’t for long either. Recently, one of his work friends is going through a few things, the details of which I’m not clear on, and will be between housing for the weekend. Without my knowledge, my spouse offered our small couch to this person.
I ended up finding out about it on a Friday morning, that this person is expecting to crash at our apartment from tonight until Monday. When I was checking something on his phone (with permission) he got a message from coworker saying he’d need to stay until Monday. Starting tonight. Confused, I ask about it and he freezes for a second and says he volunteered our place to coworker if his plans fall through, but that he wasn’t expecting it to happen, so he hadn’t mentioned it.
As a note, I’m on the spectrum, so I don’t take surprises well. Especially when we’ve got a lot going on and are in the chaotic mid-stage of spring deep-cleaning our apartment. I tell him we absolutely can’t have a stranger staying for multiple days in our small apartment with no warning and especially not in the state it’s currently in. I just can’t do this.
Obviously, he’s not happy about this. He has a bit of a meltdown (ADHD) and asks me what his friend is supposed to do and he’s stressed out about telling him no and then seeing him at work tonight. I tell him that this is why we have to discuss things like this, ideally well in advance, especially if it involves inviting people I have never met into our very cluttered home. Husband says he’s not a stranger, but he is to me? And he’s only known coworker a few months.
Annoyed, he says he’ll tell coworker it’s not an option, but he’s not happy because ‘he’s paying the bills right now’ and feels like he should have more of a say. I tell him I appreciate him doing so, but that it’s my home too, we’re a team and when I’m the one covering bills, I don’t hold those kind of expectations for him, so I’d appreciate he not to so to me. Additionally, though coworker ‘will be able to speak to the leasing agent on Monday’ I don’t see this as a guarantee that they would be able to move on Monday.
I understand that stress is a factor here, so I do want to admit that this is unusual for him, and he doesn’t usually use this kind of argument, but I’m open to considering that I might be unreasonable. AITA?
NTA. He’s “paying the bills?” Was it okay for you to make huge decisions with no input from him when you were paying the bills?
NTA, why can’t the coworker get a hotel for 2 days?
Literally what I suggested tbh
Yeah, it’s not your problem. Not only should your husband have discussed with you first “Two yes and one no situation,” the coworker also doesn’t seem to have a place to move into on Monday.
Nta! A stranger in your self described “ cluttery” home??? And no fair for him to puff up his chest and brag that he is paying now- its a partnership and he should be consulting you about things like this!!
1) being ADHD and on the spectrum have nothing to do with your story.. you can be neither and not like surprises.
2) somethings can’t be discussed “well in advance” but definitely when he thought offer the couch that shoudl have been brought up right then and there… I just need to check with my wife.
NTA
NTA – Hubby should have told you about it the MOMENT he told coworker it was ok….actually, hubby SHOULD have told coworker ” let me check with my wife” before even agreeing.
NTA. And also absolutely TF no to all of this.
1) inviting someone to stay without checking with your partner
2) springing it on them DAY OF (oh wait, but he *still* wasn’t going to tell you. You found out **on accident**). He was going to wait until his buddy was in the apartment so it’d be too awkward for your to say no
3) “\[he’s\] paying the bills right now.” IMMEDIATE GROUNDS FOR COUPLES COUNSELING. Even having that thought and further saying it out loud tells me that homeboy is wayyyyyy too casual about financial abuse. He hasn’t done it *yet*. But his attitude is extremely concerning.
And all of this is neurodivergence aside btw. You autism only makes him look even worse because he should know better about disrupting routines.
NTA. Overnight guests are a two-yes, one-no deal. Multiple days even more so!
And my guess is he’d have expected you to produce bedding, include the coworker in meals, etc. target then taking care of all of that himself.
Moving a 3rd person into a shared living situation has always been a 2 yes, 1 no thing. NTA.
NTA
I’ve got a big house and a spare room with a pull out couch and I stil wouldn’t let someone I don’t know stay in my house.
NTA, and you don’t have a “stranger in your house” problem (though that is a problem), you have a “husband isn’t treating you like a full partner” problem. Therapy, right now, and until he stops bean counting contributions and acknowledges you as someone who gets to weigh in on decisions regardless of what you’re contributing monetarily.
If one partner feels the need to keep score (i.e., “I’m the one paying the bills”), that is not a partner. It is a roommate.
NTA. As a woman in my 50’s, that’s not safe. No one in a healthy relationship is allowed to make a unilateral decision that effects both of you, and if it’s not two yesses that equals No.