Background:
Well over a year ago, my brother, his gf, and baby moved in with my mom, stepdad, and me for what they had promised would only be "a few months"
I was staying at home because I was sorting out college; I ran into some hoops and wasn’t able to to stay anywhere else while I jumped through them.
But I had to stop worrying about college altogether, because my brother went to jail for 6 months and in that time, I took up babysitting the toddler, who was acting up because of his dad leaving him, as well as the fact that he’s a toddler entering his terrible 2s
I love this kid with my whole heart and will show him off, but the truth is that I have severe mental health issues and Autism. I am child free not only by choice but out of necessity, as I’m just not built for being alone with small, hyper children.
Babysitting a screaming toddler had drained and stressed me out so much, that I ended up having a crisis & made an attempt at my life (he was not present for any of it). My therapist said I should not watch the baby anymore, and my mom agreed and promised her I wouldn’t have to.
My brother is thankfully not in jail anymore, and is working under the table for someone. He does not, however, help around the house even a little bit, as me and my mom are the only two people in this house who will cook or clean. Mind you, we are also the only two people in this house who are disabled (we both have Fibromyalgia, mine being a little more severe)
Fast forward:
My SIL is on vacation in Hawaii for a week. She didn’t okay it with anyone, nor did she make any preparations for who would be taking care of her baby in that time…
Apparently my brother has work one day this week, and needs someone to watch the toddler for 7-8 hours. Because I am extremely behind on my finances and need help, my mom suggested that I offer to my brother that I’d be willing to watch the toddler for 4 hours (she lied about how long it would be) for a bit of cash, just to help me get through the week. It’d be detrimental, but I need the money VERY badly.
Except that ig my mom didn’t tell him she put me up to it, and he must have reacted poorly to me asking for money… In his eyes, I should just do it for him because they have driven me to work a few times as a last resort when nobody else could. Bear in mind that I do not work far at all and pay for the gas + I even get them and the toddler food from a drive thru! PLUS, the fact that I have already watched the baby multiple times while he was in jail, and never asked for compensation.
In my eyes, I have already made up for the handful of rides to work with the fact I clean and they don’t, and have already given so much with nothing in return. And that this is a big, unfair ask that crosses a boundary. + She can go to Hawaii, but they can’t pay for babysitting?
My mom and brother do NOT agree. I did cave and say I would still do it for free, but I just won’t pretend it isn’t hurtful. Still mad. AITA?
NTA. A parent can’t just up and leave without making arrangements of what happens to their child. Plus, you owe them nothing. You babysat the child out of the goodness of your heart, but they can’t demand it.
You need to get out of this house. Whether that means a scholarship, or working full time and taking one class a semester. This living situation is terrible for you and will not get better. NTA
Go back to school and leave.
Caving in and doing for free just opens you up got them doing it to you again.
People can’t complain when things happen they have the power to stop and don’t.
You have the power to say no.
Say it
NTA. they are trying to make you feel guilty for holding this boundary because they do not want to have to pay for childcare. your mom didn’t want to help you make ends meet, or else she wouldn’t have lied about the time commitment. she can’t even claim she doesn’t know how hard your disability makes babysitting because she shares it.
it sounds like you are not in a position to get out of the house right now, but i hope you find some small way to start the process soon.
NAH I can see why he’d expect it to be complementary given that you volunteered out of the blue and he’s done favors for you, but I don’t understand why you offered or agreed or caved if watching this child is so stressful that it led to an attempt. It seems like everyone in this household needs to get your lives in order, ideally independently.
Ok. You need a plan
You need to get out of the house. Start saving money from work and look into affordable apartments in walking distance to your work.
STOP caving. Put your health first. Look at it as investing in yourself.
Don’t you ever babysit for free again. Your BIL is an AH.
NTA But you’re giving mixed messages.
If you’re not going to babysit because of your mental health, then don’t babysit.
If you don’t want to do them favours, don’t ask for any.
NTA. I would focus on doing whatever you have to do to find somewhere else to live, whether it be on your own or with roommates or even another family member. Also look into if you are eligible for any assistance due to your disabilities that could help you get on your feet. Your parents need to put their feet down with your brother, it sounds like him and his family have taken over everyone’s lives and completely disrupted your home.
Sounds like child services needs to be called. NTA but that’s like the least of yalls concerns.
You attempted after taking care of a kid.
Your therapist says you shouldn’t be taking care of the kid.
Your mom can’t help. Also, lied to get you to agree to something that could cause you to attempt again.
Your brother was in jail & now working under the table.
The mother of the kid is irresponsible. Taking a trip without planning out a safe and feasible solution for her child.
I feel like I need to add more context on the situation so:
\- My brother and I both grew up in a highly dysfunctional home, with me receiving the “black sheep” label and getting the worst of the abuse (physical, mental, and at times sexual)
\- The severe mental health problems I am referring are C-PTSD and BPD among a couple of others, both are diagnosed, and partially a result of my upbringing and mother’s treatment of me
\- I am working a job right now as well as the work I do around the house, which is not an insignificant amount because we have a toddler, pets, and my brother and SIL are immediately extremely messy and don’t clean up after themselves
\- I did not volunteer to watch him for EIGHT (8) hours with nothing to gain, I agreed to watch him for FOUR (4) in exchange for a SMALL amount money, per the post. My finances are another gaping hole in my sense of security, so I was willing to sacrifice in one area to get a moment’s relief in another. My mother understood that when she initially asked me, and she only asked to begin with because she knew I needed the money and have mentioned wanting to look around for odd jobs to fill in where my paychecks don’t reach, and she backed out after the fact because she didn’t want to argue with her son and figured it would be easier to argue with me.
\- When I say no, I am screamed at. It doesn’t end up okay. It ends with me being cornered like a terrified animal, begging to be left alone. I have Autism, so being screamed at is extremely painful and frankly terrifying. It really doesn’t feel like I have the power to say no when I’ve been shown that I actually really don’t and that it results in a punishment worse than what was initially asked of me. I am speaking from experience!
\- I wish “you need to leave right now” was helpful but alas I don’t really want to live in a homeless shelter or the side of a road either, so I can’t really leave right now without just trading one shitty situation for another even worse one.
\- I am already working with some friends on leaving, we just need to find a safe place to stay that has room for one more first. Easier said than done in today’s world, and in the meantime, I have nowhere else to go.
\- I am struggling to get a loan or scholarship because of my aforementioned financial situation. I’m working on it, making calls, filling out forms, setting up appointments, etc. but it has been wall after wall and it’s not been the bandaid fix you’d think it would be!
\- As mentioned in the post I am constantly doing favors; buying things the kid needs, watching him in short bursts, cleaning up not only the kids’ messes but theirs, cooking them dinner, etc. Being left alone with him for extended periods of time is the One (1) boundary I have expressed not wanting crossed anymore, and I was promised it wouldn’t be. Everything else asked of me has been fair game and I have done it all; this is the first time I have said “I really don’t want to” to them in months because it crosses a line I drew before. Simple as that.
Also my nephew isn’t a brat or a bad kid at all; he’s went through a tough time with his dad leaving him for 6 months, and he’s only 2. He’s a sweet kid, just a LOT to handle.
Just because I don’t want to babysit and listen to him scream for his parents for 8 hours, doesn’t mean I don’t think he’s a sweet kid that I love with all my heart, and I don’t think he deserves to be roped into the middle of adult drama at all let alone be at all blamed. He’s not a brat. He didn’t ask to be born into this mess.
nta. you already stepped up for months and it cost you your health. being pressured to ignore a clear boundary, especially when you’re not safe to say no, isn’t fair.
ESH You caving is the worst possible choice. Brother needs to take care of his fucking brat.