Hi everyone, I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel confused and stuck.
I (F22) have been seeing someone (M25) for about 5 months. We’re not officially boyfriend/girlfriend yet, but treat each other no differently, and have communicated that we are exclusive and committed. In the beginning (first 2–3 months), he was emotionally present and communicative, which made me feel secure and connected.
Over the last 2 months, I’ve been feeling increasingly hurt and disconnected emotionally. While he is generally kind, respectful, and nice to me in practical ways, I often feel that when I’m upset or express hurt, my feelings are met with defensiveness or logic rather than empathy and care.
We recently had a disagreement where I wanted to meet for dinner at a midpoint after a long day of work (we live far apart and don’t meet often). He was free but said he felt lazy and had body pains and suggested I come to his place instead, which would have required extra travel when I was already exhausted. I felt upset by this, and he didn’t understand why I would feel hurt and did not think it was unreasonable to ask me to come over. He, in turn, got mad that I was upset about this situation, and I should just understand why he couldn’t come. That night, I did call him to talk this out, but he said he is busy watching a movie, and then he smoked up and didn’t reach back, and I got hurt about this. The next day, I did not reach out, and he got mad that I did not and said Why should he be the one to reach out when he is also mad.
When I say I feel hurt or uncared for, he responds by saying he does care and that I’m measuring his efforts wrong. He says that I get upset too frequently and that it’s not a good sign, and that I’m choosing to feel upset rather than there being a real reason. He often frames the issue as me not “understanding him,” and says things would work out if I just understood him better. When I ask for emotional reassurance or validation, he feels like I’m implying he’s “not enough,” which makes him frustrated.
From his perspective, he says he loves me for who I am and wants things to work, and he feels misunderstood and criticized, and that my frequent upset makes him feel like nothing he does is enough.
I don’t doubt that he cares, but I don’t feel emotionally cared for in moments of conflict or when I feel upset. I feel like my emotions are being dismissed.
I’m starting to doubt my own feelings and wonder if I’m asking for too much. Am I being unreasonable or overly sensitive?
I genuinely care about him and don’t want to give up, but I also don’t want to keep doubting myself or suppressing my feelings.
AITA for feeling hurt and wanting more emotional care and validation, or am I being unreasonable here?
NTA. It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible. He wants you to put in all the effort, whether it’s driving to him (so he can sit on his couch and wait for you to arrive), or to understand him (so he doesn’t have to understand you), or to manage his feelings (so he doesn’t have to consider yours).
I doubt he will change.
I’m sorry OP!
Truly I am but He’s just not that into you.
Of course, in the beginning he WAS because it was new and exciting. Almost the honeymoon phase if you will but he has lost it.
Do yourself a favor and don’t settle for this kind of disrespect. It only compounds and gets worse!
Your very young and have your whole life ahead of you.
I so wish you well!
NTA.
I’m going to be really clear with you, because this situation slowly messes with people’s heads.
You’re **NOT** asking for too much. You’re asking for **the wrong thing from the WRONG person**.
Nothing you described sounds unreasonable. Wanting empathy when you’re hurt, wanting your feelings acknowledged before they’re analysed, wanting effort to feel mutual, that’s **BASELINE** emotional care. Not extra. Not needy. Baseline.
What’s happening here is a mismatch in **emotional language**.
When you’re upset, you’re not asking him to fix anything. You’re asking him to *see you*.
When he responds with logic, defensiveness, or “understanding the situation” he’s bypassing the emotional moment entirely. To him, that feels rational. To you, it feels dismissive because it is.
Here’s the part I really want you to hear:
When someone **REPEATEDLY** tells you that you’re “measuring their efforts wrong” “choosing to feel upset” or that your feelings are the problem, over time, you stop trusting yourself.
You’re already seeing it:
* You feel hurt
* You explain why
* He reframes it as you misunderstanding him
* You end up questioning yourself instead of the behaviour
That’s not you being oversensitive. That’s you adapting to avoid conflict.
Also, the dinner situation matters more than it looks. You weren’t asking for a grand gesture. You were asking for *meeting you halfway* when you were exhausted. His response wasn’t just “I can’t” it was basically “you should understand why I won’t” **That removes empathy from the equation entirely.**
And the smoking + disappearing + not calling back? That’s not about the movie. That’s about **AVOIDANCE**.
Here’s the truth most people don’t say plainly:
Someone can care about you **and still be emotionally unavailable** in the moments that count.
You’re not wrong for wanting reassurance. You’re wrong only if you keep believing that explaining yourself better will suddenly make him able to give what he hasn’t been giving for months.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about **COMPATIBILITY**.
A healthy dynamic doesn’t make you feel like your emotions are inconveniences that need justification. You shouldn’t have to *argue* for comfort. So no, you’re not the asshole.
But you *are* at a crossroads.
The question isn’t “am I asking too much?”
It’s **“can I accept this level of emotional care long-term without losing myself?”**
Please don’t shrink your needs just to keep peace. That peace always comes at your expense.
NTA
– “you get upset too much, that’s your fault, it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough, while I sit on the sofa and expect you to put all the effort into coming to me, oh and then when you don’t want to I’ll say I’m mad and stay sitting on the sofa, watching a movie and smoking”
he should feel like he isn’t doing enough because he isn’t.
Men tend to approach emotional issues with problem solving and logic whereas woman tend to already know those answers but just want a safe space to vent and be validated.
The him being “mad” because you are “upset” is a bit concerning it’s almost like he wants his reaction to take precedence over yours?
Sounds like you are having a bit of a shitty time atm but it’s a never ending cycle because you will feel more shit every time he his reaction is to get defensive or try and one up your emotional reaction rather than validate you! Which funnily take less effort and/or time.
Also why is he telling you he loves you but he won’t be your boyfriend? 👀
Think the above comment is right you two aren’t compatible. Sorry hun, take it as experience and move on.
If it is thus hard work before you are even official, just end it already. It’s not worth it.
NTA He doesn’t care enough. He doesn’t care to make an effort. He doesn’t care about your feelings. He cares more about him and what he wants. You can want more but he is being very clear that he won’t give you more. Instead he wants you to dismantle your feelings and standards to stoop down the minimum he is willing to do. Only you can decide how long you are going to put up with it. Personally I wouldn’t stand for it for one second more. I can’t be with someone who I have to beg to give a single, solitary shit about me. The stuff he does ISN’T enough.
The meet for dinner part. He didn’t feel good and wanted you to come to him. You felt exhausted and didn’t want to. I don’t see how this would make you upset since you also felt bad and didn’t want to make the trip. Empathy should have been easy for you.
“says things would work out if I just understood him better“
Communication, and relationships, require (at least) two people on board. He says that he loves you for who you are, but his behavior says that he wants you to change. Question: has he ever admitted fault, or said “I’m sorry” for \*anything\* ? Not just this stuff, but literally anything. I’m guessing that he sees everything he does as logical and rational, and therefore always right.
I know that, in the first few months, he was emotionally present & communicated with you. But the beginnings of relationships are often when people are at their best behavior. If they change in a few months, that’s usually how they’re going to treat you going forward.
NTA