For context: My (21F) sister (17F) has been in and out of residential mental facilities, group homes, etc. for the past 4-5 years, likely due to an adult mental disorder that she cannot be diagnosed with yet since she is not an adult. As a result, she has always been very back and forth/unpredictable in her behaviors and I never know how she’s going to react to stuff.
Earlier today, my sister got upset at me for not being chosen as a bridesmaid for my wedding next year because my fiancé (21M) chose my cousin (17M) to be a groomsmen. The conversation started out with my sister asking why I did not choose her as a bridesmaid, which I don’t think I had actually told her yet since I just chose my bridesmaid a few weeks ago. I was honest with her and explained that as far back as I remember, she has always been very back and forth between being an absolute jerk to me and being nice/acting like everything is fine, plus I gave her an example of this exact thing happening yesterday where she was rude over something she didn’t need to be in the morning and then acted like everything was fine later that day. Her response to that was that “sisters bicker and fight” but it’s always been a lot more than just normal sibling conflict and that I was immature for making it such a big deal and bringing back up what happened yesterday. I responded saying I don’t feel it’s immature to not ask someone who has been rude and a jerk to me a lot of my life to be a bridesmaid, especially given the severity at which that has happened, as well as the example was given so she could hopefully see where I was coming from. After that she just went off on a rant about “if it’s such a problem then why have you never brought it up before” (I have may times) and “I hope you get a lot of people asking why I’m not a bridesmaid” and a few insults as well. We aren’t choosing people to be in the bridal party just because they are family, we are choosing people we genuinely want up there with us and we know will support us and be drama free. My fiance has brothers he’s not asking to be groomsmen because they have never gotten along very well, so she’s not the only sibling not being asked for the same reason, the reason behind asking her is just a lot more extreme.
AITA for not letting my sister be a bridesmaid?
Nta. It’s your wedding so choose who you want.
NTA
I have 3 siblings, one couldn’t be there at all (dead) and the other one wasn’t invited. My little brother was the only there. Based on how she responded to not being a bridesmaid, you made the right choice. She’s not even capable of taking something like this as an example of what yall JUST talked about. She’s proving your point. Congratulations and don’t let her ruin a happy moment!
>I gave her an example of this exact thing happening yesterday where she was rude over something she didn’t need to be in the morning and then acted like everything was fine later that day
It’s clear this isn’t a discrimination issue with your sister. This is about having a stable, and calm wedding.
Your present day example illustrates her unpredictability. And her tirade when having a discussion also shows she can go from zero to eruption in a heartbeat.
As your fiancé has done as well, you’re including people in your wedding who aren’t going to be problematic.
NTA
NTA. The whole point of choosing a bridesmaid is choosing someone that you’re close with and whom respects you and is good to you. If she isn’t good to you and you can’t trust her, she doesn’t get to be a bridesmaid, period. End of discussion.
NTA, But it’s definitely drama causing. It would be possible to possibly have her be a bridesmaid, but not worry about her having to do much more than show up, it would also be possible to offer her a job that you don’t really care whether she does or not, meaning you’d have backup, like being a greeter at the wedding. Wedding do a reading, oversee the wedding planner… Something so she doesn’t feel fully dissed. I say this only because slights and kerfuffles at weddings are something that will linger in family history for decades and generations.
Completely up to you.
NTA this stuff is tricky especially when you exclude problematic family members. You explained it well to her, she just needs to process.
NTA. She doesn’t automatically get to be the bridesmaid because she’s your sister. Congratulations on your wedding OP!
NTA: You’re in the right to not have her as a bridesmaid but given her personality don’t be surprised if she refuses to attend or decides to not invite you to her major life events.
It’s not right and would be an overreaction on her part but something she may choose to do.
I will say that this will always be a problem in your relationship. My brother didn’t ask me to be in his wedding more than 20 years ago & I just found out that he wanted me to be in it but his fiancé now wife was against it. It would’ve been nice to hear this from his mouth but here we are.
NTA, but your explanation probably invited some defensive, arguing, and hurt feelings. You could make it less personal by saying you’re going to choose who you are closest with at the time. Fwiw, my sister was a jerk to me too and likely has a similar type of personality disorder. I made her my matron of honor to keep the peace and ended up regretting it. I had to listen to her criticize my wedding every step of the way.
Younger sister here.
NTA.
I wasn’t a bridesmaid at my sister’s wedding. She never asked me about it and I never asked her about it. My sister and I aren’t super duper close. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t have a BAD relationship or anything like that. We’re just about 6 and a half years apart, so I blame our age gap for us not being closer.
It’s your wedding, invite who you want the most. Sucks for your sister but ASPD is real and you don’t need to worry about her behavior on your special day. NTA.
NTA
the reasonable expectation is an invitation as a guest.