Hi reddit, I’m posting this on a throwaway account due to some of the people involved use reddit. Im re-writing this post because the one I initally wrote would have been too long, so I’m going to summarize the series of events as best as possible.
I (20F) lost my mother 8 months ago, suddenly. I have experience a wave of emotion as I had a weird relationship with my mother and a lot of unsaid things. I did not get to say goodbye to her which pains me every. single. day. I have a large group of friends, some from high school and some from uni, who have all supporting me tremendously. One specific friend, Kayla, I met in uni. I would not consider her my best friend, but she has been such an amazing support to me throughout this whole situation with my mom. She always told me I could come to her for anything and would even pull me aside during social events to make sure I was doing okay. Yesterday, my birthday, Kayla and a group of my other friends came over unannounced with party decorations, snacks, and even cake. After the emotional morning I had due to the dread I had for my birthday coming, this made me cry. I felt so seen and loved in this moment. This lasted up until my friends brought gifts they had bought. I opened two gifts before opening Kayla’s. It was a large box. I opened it with a huge smile on my face, and my friends all looked excited for me to see what was inside. To my shock, there was a mug and a hoodie. Both had a large, bold font saying "Motherless Behaviour". I was in so much shock I excused myself. I ended up calling it a night and they all left, Kayla muttering "It was supposed to be funny" as she passed by me to leave. This morning I woke up with texts from some of my friends at the party reassuring me Kayla had no ill intent, and then I saw Kayla messaged me. The message was LENGTHY, including many messages saying things like "it was of good intent. You embarassed me. I was trying to lightent the situation." One message in particular that Kayla sent had gotten to me, this message said "after 8 months you should be able to accept your moms death and joke about it. you’re self-sabotaging from holding on, and its ruining your friendships." I felt so sick. This question is making me wonder if truly I am the asshole and if I should be over my mothers death.
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss and how inconsiderate your “friend” was.
I’m more than twice your age and lost a parent two decades ago. I would have been inconsolable receiving a gift like that.
NTA. Your friend is dumb.
And cruel.
NTA
That’s uncalled for, it doesn’t sound like a friend to me. Maybe some people would be able to joke about it and make light of the situation, but your friend shouldn’t assume/should know you better than that. “It’s supposed to be funny” what’s funny about your friends mother suddenly dying and your friend grieving about it? I’m sorry for your loss OP.
NTA and I’m sorry for your loss. Losing your mom is not something you move on from. It’s something you learn to live with and the waves of grief decrease. Your “friend” clearly has never had a significant loss and her gift was completely inappropriate. You didn’t embarrass her. She embarrassed herself.
There’s no expiration date on grief, and I don’t even understand the joke.
After 8 months is definitely not a sufficient amount of time to grieve the sudden loss of your mother at a young age. My mom passed when I was 23, and I’m 27 now. My dad recently made a drunken comment during the holidays about how I’m not great at hosting because I’m motherless and didn’t learn to be a good host. He was totally joking around and I’m not mad at him about it but it still stung after 4 years of her passing.
I’m 61 and lost my mom a year ago. I would have smashed the mug over her head. You will never “get over it.” Anyone who would find this funny is a soulless monster. You have my sympathy.
NTA, “it was of good intent. You embarassed me. I was trying to lightent the situation.” She sounds she only cares about her image. She’s less concerned with how her gift made you feel and more concerned about herself. Its like she does nice things to appear nice to everyone else.
That’s not funny. She’s just not funny and should apologize.
8 months? I was 50 when my mom died at 70 I cried on Mother’s Day, her birthday… it has been 15 years and it still hits me that I miss her.
Yeah, my mother died 15 years ago as well, and this post is making me cry. Your friend was insensitive, but if she had apologized it would be OK. But instead she doubled down and blamed you.
My mother’s been gone 22 years, and I’m not over it. I’m used to it, but not over it. I never will be.
this was fucking vile. NTA.
i’m very sorry for your loss OP. 🕊️
If Kayla is decent at all, one day when she has lost someone important – even if that relationship is complicated – this will haunt her.
I have a dark sense of humor and make many a joke about my dead father. But I would sob if someone who didn’t know and love him made this kind of joke. I’m much older than you and have had more time and if someone gave me a fatherless behavior mug I am not sure I could be so gracious.
And here is the thing, even if she found it funny you didn’t and hurt you. A good friend’s reaction would have been to apologize immediately when it didn’t land.
I hope Kayla and your other friends realize that you need an apology and they need to be kinder about loss.