My mom has been staying with me since she was in an accident that limited her mobility around 5 years ago, its been going very well. However, we have recently had one disagreement that I have been firm on, but am starting to consider whether I am being an asshole.
Namely, she really wants a dog to keep her company, and I’ve been saying a firm no.
My reason is that when this started she had two dogs I started taking care of, and i will be honest they ruined my life. They were both old, and both had urinary issues, by the end they had to be walked every two hours. I just stopped socializing for a period of almost two years, I couldn’t be out of the house for ANY length of time without them peeing everywhere, and they were very high energy, very barky, very aggressive to other dogs, bothered my neighbors, couldn’t go anywhere.
I just can’t do it again. I want to support her, I don’t mind paying all the bills, I don’t mind cooking and cleaning, but I just can’t have some animal completely removing my ability to do anything social forever.
Her main reason besides wanting the company is that it would motivate her to get in the wheelchair more often to get exercise, but 1) she doesn’t do that now, I feel like being healthy is motivation in itself 2) she can’t do that most days, I would be taking care of it. 3) she says it can just go to the bathroom in our 2 by 4 foot grass patch of a back yard, but that would destroy it and smell.
I feel bad, because she deserves more company, I want to help her get on a public discord or something but she isn’t open to that right now. I offered a cat but she said that isn’t the same. I get why she wants a dog. But also, I just can’t go through that again… but maybe that isn’t reasonable.
Aita?
edit: I do work from home but need to do a few business trips a year, though I know you can do things like doggy daycare.
Would she consider local adult day center?
NTA.
In no way is this getting your mom a dog. It would be getting yourself a dog that you specifically do not want.
No, you aren’t an asshole for not getting an animal that will be 100% dependent on you when you don’t want it.
You are already doing everything and you don’t need to pile an animal on top of it.
NTA – a dog isn’t just for company. It’s a living being that needs constant care. Your mother is not able to provide that, do not get on board with a dog. The dog deserves to be with someone who has the time and physical capability to take care of them.
I’m saying that in mind as a dog lover and previous dog owner. But if you can’t fully commit, then don’t.
Edit: You did good by suggesting a pet that is more independent. It’s her loss for not considering what’s best for a pet she could actually manage.
NTA
What about a cat?
I understand that desire for a living companion who is easily bribed to pay attention to you, and litter box and feeding can be automated
I fostered before adopting because I wanted to be sure it was a good match
Your mom needs companionship, period. Does your community have any kind of adult day care programs for disabled adults? How about your local Council on Aging or senior center? They might have programs for her. A dog will only add to your stress level.
I want to recommend that to her but she really can’t get out easily enough to get there, and doesn’t like to think of herself as disabled so she doesn’t want to do groups like that. She is also technically not a senior yet, she had me young, she is only 62. She has been steadily getting better, and things that walking the dog will push her over the edge, but she still hasn’t been at the level to wheelchair around the neighborhood by herself after 5 years. which puts her in disabled obviously but I get why she doesn’t want that.
the van driver would help her, they have wheelchair lifts, and most will take her at 60.
You would be surprised what’s considered a senior. Our local senior center allows members at 50.
NTA. You are already allowing your mom to live with you. If she got a dog, you would have to care for it, while you’re already a caregiver for your mom, I expect?
It’s okay to say enough is enough.
NTA, getting a dog for a person who can’t take care of it would be both idiotic and cruel to the dog. Dogs are living animals that require actual care, not just a house to live in. All dogs need walks, expecting it to just do its business in the yard is ridiculous.
Dogs need exercise. You can’t not walk them. Your mother isn’t being fair to you or to the prospective animal. She seems to lack perspective. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe a cat would be a good idea. Works for my mother, who always had dogs. You can ask a rescue to find you a cat that has doglike qualities/very friendly.
Nta. is there a senior center nearby she can attend a couple days a week. My parents went to one, were picked up by van at 10, hung out and played games , had $1 lunch and were dropped off at 4. Check with local social services.
NTA, but I think you should foster a cat. If the cat is a good fit and gets along with your mom, they are pretty easy pets (with exceptions) without the responsibility of walking them, no barking, no attacking other animals if you keep them inside, etc.
This. Also, you can specifically ask about fostering NEEDY cats. A super needy cat behaves much like a dog in my experience, except much easier to care for.