My ex (46m) and I (42F) were married for almost 25 years, together 28. Our divorce was final this week and he moved out Thursday. We have 5 kids 8, 9, 18, 20, 22. The 8 and 9 will be at my house half the week, his the other half. The day he moved out our 22 year had a breakup and I flew out of state to pack her up and she moved back in with me. My 18 year old chose to stay with me as well. (20 lives out of state currently)
The 18 year old in particular has a lot going on right now. They’re doing great, in college now, etc but have had a rough go at it so we’ve got some medical stuff and therapy happening. Do I owe my ex updates on them? The thing is they dont want to talk to their dad about it. I want to respect their wishes, but also, I’m so pissed at my ex for dumping it all on me so he can go live it up as a bachelor (he just "wants to be single") that I’m not sure I’m withholding information out of spite or because it’s not his business since he chose to leave. Same with my other 2 older kids. They tell me stuff but not him.
NTA for respecting your kids’ wishes.
They are old enough to maintain that relationship themselves and it will harm your relationship with them if you do tell him.
NTA
100% this seems like one of those times where keeping their trust is more important than their dad being in the know.
Really once my kids were old enough to have a phone (late middle early high school) I didnt communicate with my ex anymore. He could maintain that relationship himself. We only communicated when I had to drop them off at the air port.
We had a continuous relationship and he would do a lot of shitty and spiteful things (like book tickets have me take the kids to the airport that was an hour away and change the tickets so I would have to drop them off like 3 seperate times before they would actually fly to see him, neither of them have spoke to him since they turned 18)
This. Op Your ex is their dad and now that he separated from you, it’s his job to maintain his relationship with his adult children.
Precisely. Were I this mother he would only hear from me in case of medical emergency or immediate threat to life.
OP it is no longer your job to manage him. Deal with him as you must for the younger two and be done with it.
NTA – Your adult children make their choice on who they want information, especially personal information, shared with.
They can choose to share whatever they want with their Dad.
No. Your 18-year-old is an adult. They get to choose what information their father gets. It’s up to him to maintain a relationship with them.
Not a lawyer. I would think for the minors there might technically be some responsibility to keep him apprised. Your court order probably outlines what you’re legally obligated to discuss.
The others are adults and can choose to share with him what they want. Ask the adults what they would prefer, then go with that. Do what is reasonable with the children. Day to day, meh. Health issues, academic issues, mental health or true breakdowns, struggles etc, yes he needs to know so he can be part of the solution.
Definitely some resentment showing but probably well earned by him. Just keep your eye on the children and what’s best for them. He’s also an adult even though he may not be acting like it, and needs to learn how to navigate adulthood on his own now. Let him. 💯🙋🏼🫶🏼
Oh there is for sure resentment, thats why Im trying to make sure its not just my resentment guiding the action kwim?
And yeah, I have no problem updating them with the littles.
YWBTA if you shared things with him. Those people are adults and it’s not your right to share info about them.
Thank you. Its just such a weird adjustment after our entire lives sharing everything
If your ex isn’t specifically asking about the 18yo’s medical or therapy issues, then I wouldn’t offer it up. And if they do ask, defer back to their adult child, it’s not your place to say.
Unless or until it’s something big like a hospitalization or serious diagnosis. Those are things any parent should be allowed to know. And I’d like to think you’d offer up that info.
But routine doc appt’s, medications, etc, aren’t anything your ex can’t do anything about so they don’t need to know. Those things are basically your kid taking care of themselves, which is up to them to manage. ( even if they ask or need help from you)
If he wanted, he would.
Time for you too to do some therapy so unlearn the toxic behaviour of carrying all the emotional load.
If he wants a relationship with his children, he needs to cultivate it. Stop picking up the slack for him
NTA
First I will say that my mom flew out to me to help me pack and move after a breakup and it meant the world to me. I’ll never forget it. You’re a good mom.
For a time I was no contact with my dad and I didn’t want anyone to give him updates. Then I just became very low contact because it was part of my own healing to put everything behind, have a surface level cordial relationship, where we text once a year and that’s it… and now I don’t mind if people give updates though there are major life events that I still prefer him not to know (I’m not telling him I’m getting married, or had surgery)
So if you were or become ok with it, ask your adult children if they mind. If none of you mind then it’s fine. If ANY of you don’t want to give information then you are under NO obligation. If he wanted info on his kids he should have maintained a relationship with them and it sounds like he declined or failed. That’s not on you so NTA.