My ex asked if he could crash at my place last night around midnight. He left his friends house and realized how tired he really was and wasn’t comfortable driving all the way to his place and I was only a few minutes from where he was. I was completely fine with it so he came over and fell asleep almost immediately. We woke up this morning everything was chill we were laughing and joking then he asked me if I wanted to go to his place with him he would make blackberry waffles. I told him that sounded super bomb but I had to shower and I didn’t want to hold him up he told me he didn’t have plans today so it was fine and told me to go shower. So I did. When I went back into the room he was telling me to hurry up he was hungry, at first it was light and joking I told him I was trying to because I was hungry to. I brushed my hair and teeth and threw on the first thing I grabbed out of the dryer which only took a few minutes but he started getting angry with me and how long it was taking me to finish getting ready. He just kept saying hurry up, hurry up, hurry up as he stood in the middle of my room watching every move I made. I told him I was starting to get anxious from him doing that. He then decided he was going to clean out the front seat of his car. A few minutes later I hear him honking the horn and I just ignored it because I was already going as quick as I could and I still had to get my cat in and a few other random things. He came back in again telling me to hurry I asked him if he could grab socks from the dryer or let the cat in or something to help out and make this go faster. I also told him again he was going to give me an anxiety attack. He asked how long and I said not much longer so he went back out to his car and within 2 minutes starting honking again. I sent him a text and this how it went.
Me- If you’re in that big of a hurry just go you’re seriously giving me anxiety
Him- Lol come on already
Me- Well you’re not helping me hurry. I’m literally dropping everything I touch and I can’t focus or think about what I need to grab or do
Him-Omg
Me- Just go it’s fine it’s whatever literally having a fucking anxiety attack
Him- Your so dramatic
Me- No I’m not being dramatic.
Him-Kinda
Me- No I told you what you were doing was giving me anxiety you kept doing it now I’m in full blown anxiety attack
Him- Alright im leaving
Me- Fine.
an hour later he asked where I was and that the waffles where done. A few more texts back and forth and now I’m the asshole because I took up his time and let him make extra food that was going to be wasted. There are definitely parts of the story where I could see people thinking I was the asshole but overall I don’t really feel like I was maybe I’m just arrogant or something I don’t know and I really am just the asshole here but am I the asshole? Extra side notes and info in the comments
Extra info- just a few things I forgot or didn’t include in the story and other side notes.
* I currently have 2 cars one I got a few weeks ago and one I’m selling. One car is at his place so before I got into the shower we decided to take his car so I could finally get my car back to my place. We also decided this because my gas light is on and I’m broke until tomorrow.
* From me getting into the shower and him leaving was about 45 minutes and I was grabbing my shoes about to walk out the door when he pulled out of my driveway.
* He’s a smoker and didn’t have cigarettes, if you know you know. I don’t live in town so the closest place to buy cigarettes is about 6 miles away. We both found it pointless for him to go get a pack and come back so he was going to get a pack on the way to his house.
* Yes we are friends and it wasn’t weird or anything that he asked to stay at my place. The relationship was toxic and we both played our parts but we are able to separate our relationship from our friendship and we limit time spent together so we don’t fall back into a relationship or something. We both fucked up our relationship and we are aware of our behavior during that time.
* I tend to play things off or make them appear not as serious as it is but that’s something I’ve been trying to work on because it has built resentment in the past for me and I would get upset when I wasn’t being taken serious. So I think this was really the first time I told him no I’m serious so I think that may have caught him off guard just a tiny bit. Yes he knows this is something I’ve been trying to figure out and work on so it wasn’t just out of left field.
* Him saying the food would be wasted is kinda bull because sometimes he’ll meal prep I guess you could call it. Whatever waffles he didn’t eat I know he put in the freezer. More often than not he’ll make extra food to just throw in the freezer for a random day where he doesn’t feel like cooking or whatever. He was just trying to guilt me. Which is one of the toxic traits he brought into the relationship and we had many talks about it.
Why are you dating this person? He does not care for your well-being.
NTA. I am confused whether he gave you an anxiety attack (title) or if he almost gave you one (the impression I got from the post) but either way, he was rude to you and stressed you out.
NTA. I was going to write ESH, but then I realized that being unstable doesn’t make you an AH. He’s definitely in the wrong here, but can you really not deal with someone annoyingly rushing you without either being close to or having an actual anxiety attack? If so, you really need to work on your tolerance levels, regardless of whether or not your ex is an AH.
Normally I wouldn’t care. I should have clarified that when he does it it’s a little different and yes will trigger anxiety attacks. It’s something that does bleed over from our relationship. When we were together and he would decide I was doing something wrong or taking to long to do something he would start yelling and once the yelling started he would start throwing things and punching holes in the walls so yes I do get anxiety sometimes when I think the yelling is going to start.
Honey…he was violently, frighteningly abusive. That‘s what you’re describing. Very scary abuse. Why are you letting someone who treated you that way stay in your life at all?
Are you an AH? No.
Is this interaction unpleasant? Absolutely.
Do I think you have a choice in continuing engaging with a relationship that has unpleasant interactions? Yep.
You don’t sound particularly surprised it went this way. You sound like you want someone to validate that your experience was unpleasant, and to say he was not a particularly nice person to be around in that moment. I can do that. I wouldn’t have wanted to be there either.
Now what? What exactly will this achieve?
NTA – but now you know. What will you do with the information?
\*sigh\* I can see why he’s your ex.
I’m going to be kind and give you a NTA judgment, because I think he was the bigger asshole by far.
BUT there were a number of things you did which were very unwise. Not necessarily asshole behavior (although I’m still thinking about that), but definitely unwise.
if you want to avoid this kind of drama in future, here is some advice.
Firstly, if the things he says and does tend to trigger your anxiety, you should consider crossing him off your friends list. That means either saying no to any favors he asks from now on, such as crashing at your place for the night, OR if you think that’s too harsh, at least say no to socializing with him, such as going to his place for waffles.
I do get that you want to remain on amicable terms with him. I am on good terms with most of my exes. It’s a lot more civilized than hating them from afar. But I’ve been living with anxiety and OCD for more than 50 years, and if any of my exes made my anxiety worse, I wouldn’t spend a single moment more with them.
But if you are absolutely determined to keep socializing with him…
You said “I need to shower first”, but that’s too vague. Apparently you needed to do a whole lot of other things as well, things that took at least 45 minutes, probably closer to an hour, and he wasn’t expecting that. I wouldn’t have expected it either! If someone couldn’t get showered and dressed in about 15 minutes, I’d wonder what was keeping them.
It would have been much better if you’d said “I would like to go have waffles with you, but *I’m going to be about an hour.* Are you willing to wait that long? You’re not? Then go, and we’ll do waffles some other time.”
Granted, you didn’t realize he would try to hurry you along, because he did say he didn’t have any other plans. But even so, *the very first time* he told you to hurry up, you should have said “I’m going to be about X minutes more. If you can’t wait that long, please go.” You didn’t do that.
*he started getting angry with me*
THAT was the point at which you should have called the whole thing off, regardless of what he wanted. **NEVER get into a car with someone who is angry.** Their anger will spill over into their driving, and they are likely to be more aggressive towards other drivers and less careful than they otherwise would have been.
And then it went on and on and on. He was giving you an anxiety attack, you TOLD him that, but STILL you didn’t call it off and you were racing around trying to get ready.
Then the text message saga began. Oh, for the love of god.
You are trying to get things done, and you’re stopping to TEXT? To type text messages to a man who is literally right outside your door? You could save a truckload of time by just walking outside and TELLING HIM what you want to say! For fuck’s sake, what were you THINKING?
Ideally don’t argue via text message at all, but if you REALLY must, then don’t argue via text message with a person you could walk up to in a few seconds and speak to if you wanted. It’s ridiculous.
Either ignore his honking and his texts and keep getting ready, OR (and I like this second option much better), go outside and SAY to him “You are clearly in a hurry. I will NOT be rushed. I have changed my mind. I’m not going with you today. Please go.” Then walk back inside, close the door, and ignore his texts.
You know, having typed this up, I’m a whisker away from changing my verdict to E-S-H, because you are really being very martyrish and making life unnecessarily difficult for yourself.
I am still trying to be kind, so I will leave it as NTA. But it’s a very close call.
I don’t want to say you are an asshole but you are playing with fire. If this guy was abusive then you need to cut him off. You can’t have a relationship with a formerly abusive partner where they can crash at your place and make you waffles. That is playing with fire and you are going to get burned. Having an anxiety attack would be a huge over reaction if it were for the history of him getting angry and throwing things and punching walls. Why are you letting someone like that still be around you? You need therapy.
NTA
1. Your ex isn’t good at regulating his own emotions/ behavior.
2. He also has very poor planning skills…
He Didn’t plan well the night before so that he could get home fine. Didn’t plan well in the morning to get home – to a cigarette if that was what made him ancy or start cooking since he was hungry. After he got ancy, he Didn’t choose to go home and let you get ready in peace.
He didn’t focus and do things to help you get out more quickly. He didn’t choose to eat some toast or cereal or a piece of fruit at your place to tide him over till he got home.
It seems like the dude does not know how to be alone. So, he chose to stick around your company but then couldn’t wait to deal with his hunger/ tobacco addiction.
I don’t think either of you are bad or unkind people. You have anxiety and he has some things he doesn’t even realize he needs to manage. But he was the one who set up this situation and then couldn’t deal with it in a constructive way and is blaming you. That’s why he is the AH for this post.
NTA. next time he can sleep in his car. It seems that he was intentionally pushing your buttons and enjoying seeing you devolve. He’s a total asshole.
Did you say you were going to come over after you told him to go? If not, then NTA.
If you did and then didn’t go over, then you are TA.
ESH If you took fotrty-five minutes and still weren’t ready when he left, I can understand his frustration. I thought you were describing 15-20 minutes of activity. If you have anxiety attacks when you are rushed, communicate clearly on how long your likely to be. And if you weren’t going to go at all you should have told him.
On his end, he should have just gone ahead when you first told him to. By choosing to stay he chose to wait and should have done so patiently. He also should have known for experience how long you take to get out the door.
I see why the two of you you are not dating anymore.
NTA, I see why he is an ex. You’d be best off keeping him that way. He sounds like a big pain in the neck.