Throwaway since I’m mentioning people that know my main account
This past weekend was my boyfriend (21m)’s birthday. I (21m) called him for a few hours in the morning and tried to arrange a meetup that evening at a restaurant we both like, but he was insistent that he wanted to go drinking for the first time with me there. I understood and realized the tradition. However, I told him that I wouldn’t go with to a bar. He could get alcohol at the restaurant that I wanted to go to, but he didn’t budge.
I didn’t go drinking on my 21st a few months ago either. My mom’s side of the family has a lot of addiction, specifically alcoholism. I’ve said since middle school that I would never drink, especially after growing up with my mom always drinking. She was never dangerous or anything and I was never in danger, but seeing her reliance on it was enough. Same with her and smoking.
He already knew all of this, but insisted. Now some of his friends that he went with are saying that I should have gone too. I didn’t care to explain everything to them, so I didn’t. They, my boyfriend included, said that I could have just gone and not drank. I do feel bad about not going, but I had also tried to do something with him where we could both get what we wanted and he didn’t compromise. AITAH?
EDIT: there are some things a lot of people are saying that I want to clear up.
My issue with bars is that the majority of people are going to be drinking. I’ve never been to a bar but I have been to family events and things where lots of people have been drinking and being around that made me super uncomfortable and anxious.
He had made it a point that he wanted me to be there. I will admit, the original post could have had this come across better. He’s not mad that I didn’t go but he does wish that I would have went. My idea with the restaurant is that we could have gone (his friends included) and he could have gotten to drink without a large portion of the people there being obviously intoxicated.
YTA. His birthday shouldn’t be about you getting what YOU want. Bars usually serve food and non alcoholic drinks.
YTA this is his birthday not yours so he calls the shots where he wants to celebrate. You can go to the bar with him and not drink. He WBTA if he was forcing you to drink once you got there.
Esh. You’re not obligated to go, but you also don’t get a say in how someone wants to celebrate their own birthday. I don’t enjoy alcohol and have gone out many times to bars, clubs or anywhere and not drank but still had a good time. It takes minimal willpower to tell somebody no. Just grab a cup of sprite and nobody will bother you.
I’m actually going to say YTA for trying to shoot down his plans and do something *you* wanted. But you’re NTA for bars not being your thing, yes you could have gone and not drank but surely you could have just told him that and offered to do dinner with him another night or even spend time with him before he went out?
I mean, he tried?
I (21m) called him for a few hours in the morning and tried to arrange a meetup that evening at a restaurant we both like, but he was insistent that he wanted to go drinking for the first time with me there.
TA: he and his friends didnt pressure you to drink they wanted you to be around them. Its not your birthday its his. He wanted to go to a bar not a resturant. Claiming that you both could have gotten what you wanted when it was you who would have gotten what he wanted and your boyfriend would have had to sacrifice what he wants. Thats not mutual compromise in the slightest.
YTA. It’s his birthday, and you could’ve gone to the bar and ordered a soda or juice. Then you’d be his ride home. It’s his birthday, he makes the plans, but you wanted to make it about you. And it feels like you didn’t go because he didn’t want to do your plans, a little petty.
I have a very close friend who doesn’t drink – and never has. We met in our mid 20s and are still friends in out mid 30s. He still came out to the bars, because honestly that’s what people do in their 20s. If they ever pressure you to drink just leave, but you can also just be there for you boyfriend.
YTA: Unless he was planning on getting absolutely plastered or something.
Sure, he would be an asshole if he pressured you to drink. But you confirm that he wasn’t expecting you to do that. You don’t need to drink alcohol at a bar. You could have made an appearance, grabbed a diet coke or something, and left early if it got too rowdy.
As someone who also doesn’t drink, going to a bar with your boyfriend to celebrate his birthday with him and his friends is not the biggest ask.
YTA. The world isn’t going to change because you’ve decided to be sober. Congrats on your choice. But thats exactly what it is. *Your* choice. If you can’t be around anyone who is drinking you need to break up with your boyfriend.
Let’s say he wanted a steak dinner. You’re vegan. Do you go to the restaurant to support your bf or do you insist that everything be about your choice to be vegan even though its his birthday?
You’re going to self exclude yourself from a wide range of activities if you insist on this hard line. You don’t have to drink alcohol but you also can’t police what other people do.
YTA he wanted to go to a bar for his birthday, you wanted to go to a restaurant. Sure, he could’ve ordered a drink at the restaurant, but you don’t have to order a drink at a bar, you don’t have to drink at all, you could’ve gone and socialized and danced and had fun without taking a sip of alcohol, you just wanted him to do what you wanted him to do on his birthday. And alcoholism runs in my family.
ESH – he shouldn’t be pressuring you and he shouldn’t be getting friends to pile on you either. There’s a possibility he just recounted what happened and his friends are upset on his behalf, not even needing to ask them to be on his side for support. But he’s right, you could have just not drank. It’s *HIS* birthday. I’m not sure why you feel like you’re entitled to get to do what you want when it’s his celebration. Tradition is to do the thing the birthday person wants, and just dealing with one single evening of not getting what you want. Que triste!
You’re going to have to deal with going to a bar at some point. If your plan is to literally never ever set foot in a bar, you two aren’t compatible and it will just be easier for you to recognize this.
If you are genuinely incapable of abstaining from drinking by going to a bar and will never set foot in one, you’re going to have to limit your dating to people who don’t want to bring you along to their social circles or tee-teetotalers.
Going into a bar isn’t a commitment that you’re going to have a drink. Plenty of designated drivers do it all the time. Even though you aren’t an alcoholic, you have disordered thinking around alcohol. It’s really scary to think you can wind up repeating the same mistakes you saw your family. Please recognize that self-awareness is a major aspect to avoiding the same errors.
The first step is recognizing it isn’t an all or nothing scenario. Bars have sodas, they have non-alcoholic beers, and mocktails are genuinely enjoyable drinks that are made with 0 alcohol. There’s also bar food. You need to recognize that bars aren’t inherently evil and you aren’t going to become an addict because you go into one. The flip side danger of this thought process is it gives way to fatalism – if you ever do go into a bar, it’s real fuckin easy to shrug and say well shit, may as well become an alcoholic because you’re refusing to recognize your own agency in the process.
YTA. Its his birthday, and nobody was pressuring you to drink. Also, it’s not like you are an alcoholic, you simply avoid the habit altogether to avoid becoming one. So I don’t understand why going to a bar would’ve been difficult for you
Info needed: is being in a bar triggering for you (and I mean that in the true clinical sense or the word) or is it just inconvenient/not your idea of fun considering you don’t drink?
If you’re ok being around alcohol/people drinking then I would have to say YTA. Sometimes we do some not so fun things for the people we care about especially on their big day.
If it’s triggering for you, then that needs to be a discussion between you and your partner and you should consider what a compatible lifestyle looks like for you when it comes to alcohol and what they want as well, and if those 2 align, in which case NSH it’s just something you have to figure out with him.
It also doesn’t sound like he or his friends were pressuring you to drink, they just figured as his partner that you should be with him to celebrate his birthday.
YTA – why should he have to compromise for his own celebration? You sound self-centered and also immature to think that you need to completely avoid a bar because you don’t want to drink. But you’ll go to restaurants and be around people drinking? Makes no sense but is 100% selfish.
On another note I think it would be a great idea for you to get a therapist to help you with this fear of becoming an alcoholic despite never having exhibited any symptoms personally in your own life. Just because it runs in your family it doesn’t mean you are going to turn into an alcoholic as well. A therapist can really help with this, especially since you seem to be aware of it.