My live in partner is neurodivergent and has a strong history of depression/anxiety and has smoked thc and nicotine at various points in their past. When we met, they happened to be cutting those things out of their life. I have a number of chronic respiratory problems and am highly prone to sinus infections so, before we started to live together, I asked them how they would see smoking fitting in to their future to which they replied that they were done with it.
Since living together for approximately 2 years, there’s been a number of times that they started to smoke for a little bit which I tried to be supportive with because I know it’s hard. Last summer, they approached me about my sinus health because I had sinus infections for about 7 months of the year and said that it was scary to watch me suffer and cruel to put my partner through that (especially since they had a previous partner pass away). I began to seek more intensive health than just quick care visits which led me to have a sinus surgery a week ago. Recovery is approximately 4 weeks. They said that they would be able to help me in post surgery recovery but, because of their struggles, had a couple of days when I was most ill that they couldn’t help.
About 6-7 days into recovery, I took my partner to dinner for their birthday and they asked to make a stop at a weed shop on the way home which wasn’t unusual as they frequently enjoy edibles. They said that they wanted to have a conversation about getting a low temp thc vape and that i’d have zero health issues with it around or if they went outside to smoke and came back in after. I felt uncomfortable because it didn’t feel like we were going to have a conversation for me to understand and figure out my comfort since we were already at the store. I didn’t know how to respond and he said that it’s ok if I didn’t feel comfortable but kept giving me reasons why I should and then wouldn’t really talk to me on the car ride home after saying it is fine to go home. Upon getting home, it was obvious that he was in a depressive episode and didn’t really leave bed for about 20 hours. To try to help make him feel better, I texted him if he could send me some of the data/research that he’d found proving that this was safe for while I am recovering from my surgery. Instead of sending me the links, he approached me while I was doing something else a few mornings later and I asked "oh, do you mind if we come back to this later?" which triggered a big fight where I was accused of shutting him down and trying to take control of his actions when vaping was one of the only things that could help him deal with his anxiety. I tried to remind him that I went out and bought him 2 different CBD products, 2 different edibles and THC drinks, and his favorite smoking cessation candies to try to give many alternative options. I felt like it is unfair to ask me to take any risks with my respiratory health right now but AITA?
NTA poor mental health may explain his behavior, but he is still being manipulative and there are many red flags. I say this as someone with mental health issues and depression. He is using his moods to control your behavior. I would never do something to put my partner’s health at risk, why is he comfortable doing so? he seems to have no actual intentions to quit, which is fine, but not compatible with you. Does he have positive qualities? the way he also framed your health issues as bad for him also doesn’t sit right with me. It’s one thing for him to be concerned, but to frame it as you putting him through something adds malicious intent to your health instead of solving the problem together. This isn’t sitting right with me and I hope you’re reflecting on how he speaks to you and how he uses his mental health to put you down or control you. Sending love too
ETA: I see you used both he and they pronouns so I hope using he was okay
I really really appreciate this, I am struggling with trying to balance holding space for what they are going through and being fair to myself. I tried to say something very similar to what you said that it doesn’t feel good to have my partner push on a boundary so much that I said is related to my physical health and my worry about it. My original thought was just waiting to talk a bit deeper into my recovery but then I started to feel like asking me to change my comfort so many times feels unfair when I’m providing so many alternative ways to consume THC and am helping to get them connected to resources to handle their issues with professionals. Thank you!
And he uses both pronouns so you’re good, thank you for checking!
NTA. Asking you at the store was definitely putting unfair pressure on you instead of having a real discussion about it. Your health is important and a good partner wouldn’t do anything that could effect you negatively.
I do think a vape being used outdoors only wouldn’t pose any threat to your sinus or respiratory health but I’m not personally familiar with anyone who deals with such sensitivity.
I understand the frustration of feeling of like his partners preferences or risks affects his ability to cope with anxiety or partake in adult recreation, however the asshole move was to pressure you by dropping the question on you out of the blue instead of talking about it at home first.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I couldn’t tell if I was being hypersensitive or not about not feeling like it was really giving me a choice if it’s brought up for the first time in the parking lot of the place, especially where he’d mentioned having looked up the hours and inventory so it definitely wasn’t a spur of the moment decision.
Also thank you for the extra part on vaping in relation to my respiratory issues. I think that’s part of what has been missing from my conversation with them about it: you just included that you’re not entirely positive in this particular situation where he keeps just saying there’s no way it could affect me or my healing post surgery which feels invalidating
NTA. Second-hand vape can be harmful to your health. Call your sinus surgeon and ask about whether you can safely live with second-hand vape. Use that information to help talk to your partner about this. I’ve had sinus surgery twice and I’m supposed to avoid second-hand smoke and vape.
I am wondering if your partner is addicted/attracted to the mechanics of smoking as much as the nicotine, etc. Have they considered dummy cigarettes? These keep the hands busy and provide the soothing effect some people get from putting something into their mouths.
All this is assuming you want to stay in this relationship. Your partner doesn’t seem to be taking your health issues as seriously as you take theirs.
Huge thank you! That’s SUPER helpful to hear from someone who has sinus issues/would also need to be careful for respiratory issues. I’ve genuinely started second guessing if I’m being selfish or being a martyr because I had surgery a week ago but very much want to be a good partner, especially during their hard time. I did actually text my ENTs office phone but think it was right at the end of the day so I’m hoping to hear back tomorrow.
He has been really adamant that the low heat, ceramic thc vapes “have no chance of posing a health issue” but I’ve spent a few hours over a few different days using different search terms to try to find anything saying there is a zero chance. The best I see is just a low chance and I feel hesitant to take that risk while so early in healing.
I wondered the same but I’m not a smoker of thc or nicotine so figured I just don’t know/have good information on it. It seems like the physical action of smoking seems important recently so maybe it’s about using old coping strategies? When I noticed him turn to thc edibles, I mentioned it could be a slippery slope to smoking and he said it was just for a little while he was feeling particularly low and gave the same relief as smoking but the past few days has been saying the high is different so it just doesn’t help or may take longer to hit but smoking or vaping would be faster/more helpful.