This week I (M26) proposed to my amazing girlfriend (F26) of 3 years. These last three years I have spent time with her, and time with her family through family holidays, engagements, and visiting their home weekly.
One of my girlfriend’s initial request for the proposal was to include her family in some form, due to the importance of them in her life. 3 months back I visited her home while she was not there and asked for their blessing where at the time I received and was excited for. I brought up proposal ideas, my main one being having her family join mine in secret (even though our families have not met much) to surprise her before i get on my knee and ask the question.
Her family did give some other recommendations which I did not go with due to wanting to make sure my girlfriend had no idea I was going to propose, and I felt taking her to places we don’t normally go such as a park or beach, be too obvious. I also did lean towards having it towards my home due to space and then they would not have to worry about decorations or preparing, but I let them know if they would prefer to have it at their home that was okay too. At the time I felt the vibes were great and I was looking forward to the next months. The next time I tried to reach out to for a date I was met with that the holidays are too close and because of health concerns we should push it which I accepted and delayed.
When January arrive I reached out again but was met with silence. Then a week later I proposed dates that I thought could work. I was met with a response from her mother stating that the date I suggest would not work because my fiancé’s nephew has baseball that Saturday and the other Saturdays this month won’t work. She concluded the text saying to “Go ahead and just do it without us”. I responded mentioning this is disappointing to me, but I don’t to wait any longer and I feel me and my girlfriend are both ready to take this next step.
So I proposed two weeks later. I did not include her or my own family during the proposal and I took her to a lovely spot and proposed. The day was special to us both and we both felt went great. That night when we went to give the news to her family we were both met with dismissive responses.
The next day was worse. Come to find out her mom sat down with my now fiancé and explained I did not put any effort into including her family, I have not been present in their home and around them during the relationship, and they should have been included in the proposal. They have also continued to now insult my character, my fiancés decisions (what upsets me the most), and they are refusing to speak to me so I can explain or defend myself. I also found out that her whole family was free the Sunday and Monday of the proposal.
Id love to hear any advice, questions, or ways you would go about fixing this. Things have always been strained between my fiancé and her mom, and I want my fiancé to be celebrated the way she deserves.
Edit: for context she lives with her family and i have shown her the text.
Mom sounds manipulative and like she is trying to flip the script because she knows she was the bad guy in this situation.
NTA. Sounds like her family wanted to control the proposal and that’s not right. You tried multiple times to include them while maintaining some reasonable boundaries in a kind way.
You and your fiancée should talk about how you want to handle her family as a team moving forward and if she is not willing to set boundaries and enforce them, you should not get married.
We are both trying to navigate this situation together now. We will be getting married due to the respect, trust, and love I have for her but whether her family is involved in her future and the wedding itself is what is up in the air right now. I don’t love the idea of not having them there because things I assumed we were good until the last week, its like I am seeing a completely new side of them which is what is making me question myself and them. Thank you for your input.
they sound like my MiL…. let me tell you better that they betray you now in the open rather than 20 years in you find out all this stuff….. Ask me how I know… heh 🙁 . I’m really sorry you are coping with what is OBVIOUS narcissism.
They didn’t want to control the proposal. They want to control *their daughter.* And they don’t like her choice of husband. They’re trying to drive a wedge between them.
NTA tell your fiancee the truth of all you did to try to include them. Show her any messages you have.
Show her your texts
This needs to be heavily upvoted. NTA, but if his fiancé will believe her family over the texts, that will be a bullet dodged.
She has seen the text, but her other family members have not and refuse to speak to me.
Then as an adult, and the one in the family who this is all about, she needs to tell them.
NTA
Is your fiance on your side?
If not
Do you have proof of the messages with her family saying to go ahead without her?
Future MIL sounds like she is trying to flip the narrative
I mean fix what? Her mom is flat out lying. You can show her receipts of how much you communicated with them for the blessing and trying to coordinate a family-oriented proposal.
How is your fiancee taking this?
You’re NTA
NTA. What self-entitled and manipulative jerks.
NTA
Your soon to be in laws are lying
How your fiancé handles this is going to be a defining moment for your marriage
If she doesn’t believe you 100%, you need to run because her mother will spend the rest of her life fucking with you