Edit: before I get flooded with the same question. My nephew never mentions her, he calls her by her name and his bio mom was in his life before she went to jail. That is the only person he called mom. My nephew has turned down seeing her before and ignores her when she tries to talk to him
Edit2 for fuck sakes I am not shit talking hazel to a 6 year old. That would be fucked up to do.
I really don’t know if I am a huge asshole or not. This has been a very long year and I will be as clear as possible
My brother passed earlier this year and my parents have not been dealing with it well. His wife ( Hazel) before his death did not get along well with our side of the family especially my mother. I know I am bias but she has been royal bitch to my mom and me .
My brother had a kid prior to being married to hazel ( she was his stepmom and never adopted him) I got custody of him after my brother passed ( bio mom is in jail)
One of the biggest bad point in the relationship was her lying about my mom. She claimed my mom was calling her names and fat. She was not and only came clean after mom was uninvited from their wedding and missed it. She apologized to the family about that ( it wasn’t a good apology because she basically claimed it was a big misunderstanding).
After that she was passive aggressive to me and my mom. She didn’t listen to boundaries ( especially with touching) and snide mean comment the whole time. When it was brought up, they claimed we were being sensitive ( we were not, she literally called me ugly multiple times in “polite ways”) I am very happy they didn’t have kids together.
After my brother died and I filed for custody she did a 180. She was nice and it is weird. I know it’s to try to stay close to my nephew ( he is 6)
My parent can not host Christmas this year so I am hosting. She texted me asking when Christmas dinner would be and any ideas for presents for my nephew. I told her she is not invited. That this is just immediate family event and I need to prioritize those people and she is not that anymore.
In short I was called a petty bitch
INFO – How long was your brother / SIL married and does your nephew view SIL as a mother figure / important person in his life?
Edit: Because my comment is getting so my attention I want to add – my concern is OP’s post reads entirely about her with very little thought about her Nephew whose needs should be the priority in this situation. Even if Nephew and SIL were not close, that she failed to mention his feelings in her original post, until prompted, is deeply concerning.
They were married for three years. My nephew didn’t call her mom, she called her hazel or Haz. his bio mom was involved in his life until a year ago ( becuase she went to jail
Tbh he never mentions her
Does he not mention her because he does not care about her? Or because he is perceptive and knows you do not like her?
I don’t think he likes her
He refused to be around her during the funeral at all and when she tried to talk to her he either leaves or ignores her
He’s lost 2 parents in one year and he’s only
6. Is it possible he was pulling away from her to self protect from losing a third? Has SIL reached out about him between the funeral and now?
Do you understand that he is displaying extremely concerning behavior?
Sure, it *might* be as simple as he never felt close to her and now that his dad isn’t making him, he no longer feels like he needs to be polite to her.
But it could also mean something like he thinks she is responsible for his father’s death and that the only way *he* will be safe is if he avoids her (in which case, someone needs to help him understand that death doesn’t work like that)
Or it could mean that he knows that you don’t like her and he’s afraid he’ll lose *you* if he interacts with her (in which case, he needs reassurance that nothing he does will ever make you stop loving him and taking care of him, not even if he cares about someone that you don’t like)
Or it could even mean that she was neglectful/abusive to him in the past (in which case, he would need treatment for the trauma he experienced, on top of help with his grief)
did you put this poor child in therapy?
Does he never mention her because he’s learned that doing so triggers you and your family to shit-talk her? A lot of stepkids who have great relationships with their step-parents call them by their first names. That’s not indicative of anything. If you’re preventing him from having a relationship because *you* don’t like her, then you’re an AH.
NTA-she burnt her bridges and you’re under no obligation to rebuild it. I’d block her and move on.
She really did
Op you should not allow someone like that around a kid to begin with
Op already shown she is a dick, what if she lies about you to CPS and shit talks about you to the kid
Do not trust it at all
If you want to yeet her out of your life permanently, I think that’s not necessarily the worst thing to do and you have a right to it.
But I think there’s INFO missing: How is your nephew feeling? He’s six, he just lost his dad, and now he’s losing contact to the so far I suppose second most important person in his life? The one he grew up with? Is she going to stay part of his life? Does he want to, and if so, are you going to facilitate that?
I wanna hear her side of the story
The way it’s written it sounds like you wanted to leave her out and hurt her feelings doing it.
You could’ve kindly said something like because of the strain with your mom and that she lost her son, you’re keeping Christmas dinner small this year and offer an olive branch if she could come over to see the 6yo at a different time when your mom isn’t there.
I really think you wanted to be mean and now want reassurance for it.
I am not convince the 6yo doesn’t want to see her either – kids know which adults like each other and who doesn’t and if he knows it don’t like her, he’s more likely to act like he doesn’t care too – esp if you are new primary caregiver.
NTA
I just read your edit, and that woman has a lot of audacity.
She may have been your nephew’s stepmom, but he never considered her a mother, and doesn’t acknowledge her as any parental figure.
On top of that, there’s YEARS of this woman being hateful, and driving a wedge between your family, while being nasty, disrespectful, and cruel.
Sorry she lost her husband, but maybe if she was a good person, then people would want her around. You don’t get to treat people like crap, then expect to be in the holiday pictures above the fireplace.
Also, your nephew doesn’t need to be around that woman anymore, because if she’s so bold to behave despicably throughout the years, wouldn’t put it past her to drop poison in his ears, and also drive a wedge between you and your nephew.
NTA at all