Context: I am 21F, in college online and have been diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder (mdd) since I was 15. My sister 26, has her husband 45 and they have a baby.
So before my sister was pregnant, she and I had discussed that I could come live with her and help around the house so she can take care of the baby and her husband can work. She wanted to go back to work one or two days a week for about two to three hours. After the baby was born in September, my sister wanted me to have the baby from 11pm to 2am and then clean the house during the day. After about two months of that, we changed it so the baby could sleep better. I would have her for the whole night. Then I started having her the whole day too. My sister didn’t like how I cleaned everything and she could start doing things again after the C-section. That meant I only had 30 minutes every three hours to either, eat, shower, or do homework. Only about three times a day.
I started to get overwhelmed and ended up having a break down which sucked because of my mdd. So we changed again. I now have the baby from 4pm to 9 or 10am the next day. 10-4 is when my sister has her baby. This way, she can clean everything how she likes, and I can get homework done. In February, she wanted to go back to work which was now three days a week from 9-5. A few weeks ago I asked her about going back to work. She said that I told her she couldn’t. I was confused. She said that I didn’t want to take care of the baby for the day. I said I could do a few hours every week but not all day again, I can’t do that. She said that I could, I just didn’t want to.
I tried to explain how I got overwhelmed but she didn’t understand how I could get overwhelmed being with a baby. At this point she was getting mad and I started to shut down. Ever since then, I’ve been mad at myself and thinking that I’m an asshole for trying to take care of my mental health. I don’t want to go back to that dark place again. So, I’m going to talk to her and tell her that I can take care of the baby so she can work. Maybe, I won’t get overwhelmed.
I’ll try and update if anything happens.
NTA
NTA – you have other things going on for you as well, like school. It’s okay to want to take care of your mental health, and it’s not fair for your sister to put all the responsibility of her own baby on you so she doesn’t have to pay anyone to take care of her baby.
NTA. Its not your baby but she is treating you like a coparent. ANY help she gets is more than what other people get. You can’t pour from an empty cup and you are doing MORE than enough. I would set a boundary of exactly whatever you think you can, and want, to handle, nothing more. And if she wants to throw a fit about that, you can just not help at all 🤷♂️
NTA. Your sister is exploiting you.
>I now have the baby from 4pm to 9 or 10am the next day. 10-4 is when my sister has her baby.
Your sister takes care of her baby for 6 to 7 hours/day and you do the other hours? When does the father do any childcare? You are being completely exploited here!
Get the hell out of there. Even people who are paying live in nannies take more responsibility for their children, and they provide room and board, and pay the person. She wanted you watching the baby 18 hours a day?
And your sister is married to a 45 year old man? Something tells me things have been dysfunctional for you two for a long time.
What does the 45 yo husband doing to help?
She clearly does understand how you can get overwhelmed with a baby or she’d be taking care of the baby herself… NTA and please don’t take any more responsibility for the baby.
NTA, That’s not your effing baby. Where is the daddy?
This arrangement isn’t working for either of you. She likely feels you should watch the baby since you presumably live there for free. You feel like you can’t handle doing that for the time she wants. You need to find a new living arrangement
You should not be having responsibilities to care for your sister’s baby for more hours of the day than she does every day. If she needs some help and you’re able to help out that’s great but her spending 6 hours a day caring for her own baby while you take care of baby the other 18 hours every day including overnight each night is extremely exploitative. She is taking advantage of you and you can’t take on even more. You are spending significantly more time and energy caring for her child than she is, of course you are exhausted and burning out!!
INFO. Is the condition you have to help with the baby to live there? Or was it just a side effect from you living there. Babies can be super overwhelming but you did agree to it and in a way you did prevent her from going back to work the way she wants. Could she find a more fitting job? Is other child care an option? What is the husband doing to help? At the end of the day I definitely do no think it is right for the time you are expected to keep the babg.
NTA. Seems to me you’re acting as the other parent. Where’s the husband in all this? That baby is not your responsibility. For the love of everything that is holy, prioritize your health. I am medically diagnosed with depression too – the burnouts and shutdowns would just get worse and worse that could even lead to resentment and make you do questionable things. That ain’t your kid. Let your sister handle it. She created the baby, she should raise it herself with her husband.
Sister translation:
“How do you get overwhelmed working 126 hours/week while going to school?”
… While she’s a mom 42 hours/week.
Sounds almost like you’re the parent and she’s taking care of a child for a work week’s worth of time.
NTA.