Me (22f) and my sister (Jane) whos 33, have never gotten along very well. For as long as I can remember she’s had this habit of lying for the sake of a good story, and everytime I caught it, especially if i was part of it, I called her out.
She had big melt downs every time and there’d be a whole scene and everyone would be upset with me for upsetting her. We all knew she did this and they kept telling me to let it go cuz noone wanted to deal with it.
She often did things just to upset me, like getting treats for everyone and making eye contact with me while smiling as she handed out coffees or something. Long story short we don’t like eachother.
Jane, my brother, and I all live apart but went to our parents together for Christmas and she was happily talking the whole drive there, which was 2 hours, and we all chose music and I made sure the ones I added were ones she’d like, and she even mentioned that she did like a few of them.
Next day is Christmas and my parents had gotten me a piano keyboard. Id been wanting one for a while and I immediately set it up and practiced all day. That evening I declared that I was to perform a piece for the family.
I butchered it. I was still trying though and suddenly Jane comes and sits beside me and says she wants to play a song she just learned. I told her I was still using it but she pulled it towards her. I pulled it back and kept playing. She starts hitting random keys. I tell her shes just trying to annoy me and she responds ‘yeah, I am’
So I stand up and start packing everything back into the boxes it came in. She gets mad and sits across the room, pointing at me and telling everyone how hard it is to deal with me, I gave her a headache, she had to listen to my awful music the whole way there, im so selfish, only think of myself, etc.
That was interesting because a few days before this I had gotten to work late because I was helping her after she got into a car accident and couldn’t drive where she needed to go.
My brother started to stand up for me but gave up and left cuz he hates drama.
She was cold towards me the rest of the holiday and everyone was telling me I needed to apologize but I’m trying to learn how to stand up for myself, I do worry about confusing that with just being rude though.
I’m just tired of always being told to be the nice one. I’m m considering driving separately from now on whenever we go back but maybe that’s dramatic idk. AITA?
Please tell me 22 and 33 were typos, and you’re actually 12 and 13, because this is some absolutely childish nonsense.
ESH. Sounds like a miserable holiday all-around.
Seriously!!!!
every time you give in to prevent her causing a scene you guarantee that she will be causing scenes. she does it because it works.
now, normally when you hear someone say that, they’re talking about someone closer to three than 33. sooo…
she was rude to you, she’s not entitled to use your brand new gift, you two don’t like each other and she throws tantrums like a child on what sounds like a weirdly regular basis.
i don’t see any problem with avoiding time with her, and many benefits.
nta.
NTA She interrupts your (not so great) performance and bangs on the keyboard like a child, then runs around complaining about you? That must have been annoying for everyone. So why would you owe HER an apology?
Definitely don’t drive with her in the future. Don’t even give her a reason. If family ask, remind them she spent the whole holiday complaining about your music and selfish ways, so you were keeping her from being miserable in your car.
You’re not confusing standing up for yourself with being rude. You were using your gift, she interfered, admitted malicious intent, and you removed yourself from the situation. Packing it up was the least dramatic option available. Driving separately in the future honestly sounds like a healthy boundary, not an overreaction
Sorry… You two are…. Grown ups?
Please confirm.
Hold on, she’s 30 in this story and not 3?
I’d LOUDLY tell her to get her hands off and keep then to herself like she’s a toddler
Stop attending family affairs if this is how they enable her nonsense. NTA
First of all… she’s 33?? Why is she acting like she’s 13? Second of all NTA.
You don’t live with her, so quit going anywhere with her. Except for maybe holidays how often do you really see her. NTA Just live your life and exclude her.
If you hadnt posted her age I thought she would have been your preteen younger sister. The fact this came out of a 33 year old is….. a lot to take in. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be around this person when theyre self admittedly trying to annoy you.
NTA, and CLEAR
Editing to add, try and ignore the angry randoms with nothing better to do than vent in the comments section.
NTA for standing your ground. I turn 33 this year and I can’t even picture doing this to anyone a decade ago. Wtf.
NTA, but you have choices to make. Your family is not supportive of you, and they ARE enabling of Jane. Nobody wants to deal with her, and she’s learned she gets to run everything by being a pain in the patoot. So. How much do you want to keep being Jane’s punching bag to keep the peace? If you don’t, are you willing to take the pushback you’re going to get for having boundaries? From the sound of it, if you decide you are an adult and get to have limits, everybody else is going to be annoyed and Jane may (probably will) throw fits. Good grief, she’s 33? Not 3? Are you sure?
Waiting for Jane to change on her own is hopeless. What she’s doing works – for her. If you decide it doesn’t work for you, I applaud you. I’m just saying don’t expect things to change quickly or easily, or to get much support. And no more pulling back and forth on something and squabbling like a toddler. When she starts, DO NOT REWARD HER BAD BEHAVIOR. She knows she’s a pain. It gets her attention, and control. Simply remove whatever it is (if it’s yours or you have a right to use it) and yourself and do not engage.
Now, expect her to whine, argue, mock you, generally be her lovely (sarcasm here) self. Remember, you are an adult and a person with dignity who deserves respect. Show this by respecting yourself. Take the keyboard (for example and leave. Ignore her comments/outburst/etc. Put the keyboard away and go do something else. Don’t notice or engage with her until her behavior improves. If it doesn’t, it’s time to go home. Don’t drive to family gatherings with anyone. You need an escape route. When Jane is a pain, don’t explain. Just say, “Oh, look at the time, I have to go now.” Then go.
Parents will probably ask you to “be the bigger person” or say “you know how she is, don’t be dramatic,” or otherwise ask/expect you to just put up with it. “So you’re saying Jane gets to keep being the smaller person and I have to put up with bad treatment? Why?” Usual answer: “Family harmony.” Well, how about the family puts some energy into YOUR comfort and making YOU feel welcome? They expect you to do all the heavy lifting because it’s more convenient for them. I used to do that. My current view is that I’ll put up with some discomfort, but past that, why should I be the only one uncomfortable? If I’m going to be uncomfortable, we can ALL be uncomfortable together.
Don’t expect this to resolve quickly. You’re going to have to stand your ground for a while, maybe skip some gatherings. They’ll test you to see if this is a boundary or a suggestion. If you don’t cave in, eventually they’ll get the idea.
Time to get some distance from a toxic older sister who makes everything all about herself. NTA.
NTA but I had to double check the ages there because wow