I found out I was pregnant in July. I got labs done in early October and decided I wanted to do a gender reveal. I was finding out in mid October my baby’s gender so naturally, I wanted to a fun Halloween party, mostly for all my family, in laws, and little kids to have fun dressing up. My dad (48M) kept trying to push me to get help from his wife (48F) becasue she is "really good at baby shower ideas and planning". He suggested all sorts of themes and I stood firm and said no, its a Halloween theme, I have already got decorations it is set in stone. Then he called me later and said I was hurting his wife’s feelings by not letting her help. I said if she did want to help we are arriving to do setup at exactly 12PM but its not very much and we already have alot of help. if you guys want to show up early you are more than welcome to. They show up at 12:30 asking what else needs to be done. I said that everything was pretty much completed and we were just waiting on people to arrive. I was very overwhelmed as I am not used to being center of attention and suddenly having all attention on me was creating a bit of anxiety on top of the brain fog I already had from being pregnant. I was being pulled into 100 different directions at once (photography congrats, etc.). I didn’t realize until the end I had 0 pictures with my mom. She was very graceful and made it clear today was about me my fiancé and baby boy. She also said shes not one for having her picture taken. After the gender reveal anxiety and excitement had worn off it was time to start the registry which was another overwhelming task. I told my mom I didn’t want to do a baby shower since planning the gender reveal was incredibly stressful even with her help. She told me if I wanted she could take over the planning, get with my fiancé’s mom and basically just tell me when and where to show up. I agreed since a lot of family missed the gender reveal since it was on such short notice. My dad had since been bothering me about letting his wife plan the baby shower. I had told him I wasn’t sure I was having one several times and he kept pushing. After it was decided I let him know my baby shower was going to be in February and let him know my mom was planning it. he had no idea I thought of this person as mom, said some strong stuff that is not relevant but or another post and told me "step mom can either plan your baby shower or wedding shower". Now he is not coming because he had asked me to change the date because he had "non refundable plans and wouldn’t make it so i needed to change my plans to cater to him and his wife". I did know about his plans prior to setting the date, however since I will be taking some unpaid time off to take care of the baby and my paid leave is slightly reduced, my fiancé is working a lot of overtime to make sure we have money so we wont have to worry when baby is here. That weekend will be the first he has off and plans to work several more weekends after that.
Wait – I’m confused. Your “mom”?
Yeah, how does dad not know they are mom if they are actually mom?
I read that part a couple of times and read the whole thing again to see if I missed something.
Yeahhh dad had no idea she thought of her mom as mom?? Ummm
NTA. I sense that they have main character syndrome. The shower is for you. The only person who needs to be there is you. Don’t cater to them. Do whatever works out best for you.
No is a complete sentence. Repeat as needed. That’s all you need to say. No. Thank you, but no. Don’t make excuses or explain. Just no.
NTA
NTA, but I’m confused about the mom part…
My biological mom and I are no contact for so many reasons, all of which I am still trying to heal from. My mom in this is a person who did adopt me not legally.
Edit to add: my mom is my adopted mom as i am no contact with my bio mom. I also chose date after my father had said some mean things about me which is another issue that while yes is relevant is also not at the same time ( it would go towards a more personal conflict towards him). And my fiancé had a limited time in which I could pick from. I could have pushed it out further I am not denying the comment(s) that say that. I am due in April so i did want this done ASAP to fix up nursery before baby gets here. And I am not close at all with my step mom, she has planned a lot of baby showers for her 2 daughters, her niece, her sister and several other members of her family. I wanted it to be done by people I feel comfortable talking to as well and I feel like it’s always strained when i try to talk to her. Again, not trying to bash her but it is just how I feel.
Info
So is it your Mom planning as you say OR is it someone who you think of as mom. You aren’t very clear
Also why wouldn’t your dad know you think of someone as a mom who isn’t?
YTA just for this awful wall of text and general inability to set up a situation.
Really true. In later info she says her father raised her but it was actually her bio mother, who she is no contact with. She didn’t move in with her dad until she was 15. Then a friend of the family “adopted” her but not legally and she calls that friend “Mom.”
So basically, parents really wanted to do something for you. You said no. Then someone else wanted to do the same thing for you and you said yes and planned it for a date that parents couldn’t participate, basically on purpose because of something that was said that hurt your feelings. Now they’re hurt also.
Seems like there’s a lot of context missing. Nobody is entitled to your time but it seems like you are going out of your way to hurt someone who is trying to help you so I’m going to go with YTA.
Nta but you do sound dramatic.