My issue is, my family expects me to come for Christmas Eve, stay over night, and all day Christmas Day. This has been our tradition for as long as I’ve been an adult. Particularly because I’m single, I think they expect me to go along because they take for granted that I don’t have anywhere better to be. And I do want to spend time with my family. It’s just that I wind up kind of hanging around, because I’m not allowed any say in what we do. Part of it is very understandable. I have a young niece, so that limits some of the things we can watch on TV, or the games we might play. I’m totally okay with that.
It goes beyond those small, necessary compromises. My parents have pretty much told me I’ll never get to host Christmas gathering, despite repeatedly offering/suggesting/asking that I be allowed to host, and cook dinner. Whenever I suggest a place we might all go to, someone comes up with a reason why we shouldn’t. The answer I get is never "Yes and." It’s always "No," or "Eh."
The one thing I’m allowed to contribute is, the last few years, I baked cinnamon rolls for breakfast on Christmas day. I do them from scratch. I’m proud of my skills as a cook, and doing this gives me real joy and a sense I’m contributing. But this year, my sister said she wanted something different, and so my mom told me I didn’t need to bake anything.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care about the cinnamon rolls. I care that they didn’t really consider asking how I felt. They didn’t consider that it’s something I really look forward to doing for my family. They didn’t give me a chance for an alternative. I would have been happy to bake something else for breakfast. But I wasn’t even asked. I was just told what was going to happen.
I’ve tried in the past to articulate my desire to contribute something, be it a dish, or a meal or an activity we all enjoy. When I said to my mom that I really enjoyed cooking us breakfast, and would miss not doing rolls or something, she said I was overreacting and should "keep it light."
In light of this, I said that I would be coming over later in the day on Christmas. I tried not to get into the "why" too much. I just said I was wanting to do something different, and do a few things on Christmas Eve I’d enjoying doing. But I worry I’m being petty. That I’m overreacting, and should just be grateful I have somewhere to go, and a family that will have me.
AITA?
YTA for not just talking to your family. You are expecting them to read your mind.
You’re an adult just say No, I have other plans, I can be there Christmas Day but on your own time. Just be in time for Dinner. NTA
INFO: Have you discussed your concerns with your family at all? Made your feelings known? Whether you have or not changes the context of the situation significantly.
I’ve spoken to my parents on a number of occasions in the past, about my feelings and wanting to be more of an active participant in terms of what we do. Most of the time they say I’m overreacting.
YTA to yourself for sure only because you aren’t sharing how youre feeling with your family so you aren’t giving anyone an opportunity to solve this. They may think you do have better plans and not know anything is wrong or they might think youre having a tantrum over cinnamon buns when they did you the favour of letting you off the hook of making something. You have to explain your feelings and what you would like to change if you want something different which your post makes it seem like you do, so that is why I voted this way. If you didnt care and didnt want to see your family I would vote different.
I failed to include that in my OP, that in fact I have spoken with my family, on a number of occasions, about how I feel, and how I wish to contribute more.
I’ve edited my post to reflect this detail I failed to include, with my apologies for the omission.
NTA. Sounds like they expect you to be an ornament. Just be on display and keep the illusion of a perfect family. Just do what you want to do. Say “I’m celebrating with friend who don’t have family around.” Just remember they will criticize you about how you are “deserting family” and “breaking family traditions.” Time to make your own traditions.
NTA
You’re still seeing them on Christmas Day, just on your own terms. As far as your cinnamon rolls, go ahead and make them. What are they gonna do? Throw them out? Bring whatever side dish you want and they will find a place on the spread for it.
ESH because they have ignored your concerns, and you should have stated (again) at the time of your decision that you don’t feel like you are considered much in their plans, so you would like to do your own thing instead.
NTA but it’s hard to break up expected family traditions. Just say you’re staying home to eat cinnamon rolls as that’s your tradition. Anyone is welcome to join you and you’ll be over after. .. but do not get upset is anyone questions that or doesn’t come. You don’t have to get into the “why”.. you’re an adult.. it will get easier after you set your own plans.
NTA. Next year, bring what you want. Apple Crumble for breakfast one year, blueberry muffins the next, and if they don’t eat them for breakfast, put them out for dessert.
Invite your family to your place and make them a Christmas-in-July dinner, so they know you can handle it.
If you’re not living at home, why are you acting as if you live there full time. And if you’re adult enough to live away, why do you persist in allowing yourself to let others take ownership of your time. Make plans for Christmas Eve such as attending a free caroling concert or arranging an outing with a few close friends. Or hosting a few. Or a movie? You tell (not ask) your parents that you’ve got plans Christmas Eve and you’ll be over Christmas Day. Right now you are moaning a lot.
NTA. You’re not being petty, and you should not just be grateful that you have somewhere to go and family that will have you. Do something that makes your cup feel full this year. If you’re still going, bring an activity that your niece will love and make a special memory this year with a person who also doesn’t have a say in how things go.
I would suggest that after the holidays are over, you sit with your parents and have a conversation about this. Have them imagine a scenario where this was happening to them, and ask them how they’d feel about it. If their reaction is that they’d be fine with having their ideas/contributions being dismissed year after year, then get excited and say that you’re hosting next year, and that shouldn’t be a problem considering what they just said.
If they’re actually self aware and realize what this has been doing to you and that the behavior is hurtful, ask how they will plan to handle holidays next year. Your family has plenty of time to come up with something that is inclusive, and if you see it trending the the wrong direction, you have plenty of time to plan a trip out of the country for the holidays. 🙂
NTA. You’re an adult and can choose how you spend your time.