I (22M) have an estranged relationship with my Mom for as long as I can remember. I only realized around late 2023 who she really is and how I truly feel, and ultimately don’t see her as a Mom, just someone who birthed me…
But today my Mom cried herself to sleep because I didn’t say “I love you” back and now I feel a mixture of feelings
Why didn’t I say “I love you” back? Because it felt awkward. Why did it feel awkward? We have to go back to things…
Imagine growing up in a dysfunctional household. A common issue but let’s get into specifics; Throughout my childhood, I could never get mad at my Mom or anybody who wronged me. I was bodyshamed, bullied by my sister AND Dad. My Mom knew about the unfair treatment but wouldn’t do jack… except punish or threaten to punish me for rightfully getting mad
To paint a clearer image, I’m black… And? You might comment. Ever seen those memes/videos of how Black Moms act? They’re not exaggerating, I’ve experienced this a lot growing up.
The last time I opened up fully to her was when I was 11. In 2014. Unfortunately, that year (along with many others) was hell for me in school. But ultimately she dismissed me calling me “too sensitive”. And to this day I never spoke up about problems I tend to have Irl or online. Nurturing isn’t she?
Over the years she would become tolerable and sometimes she would relapse. The recent relapse would occur in late 2023. She starts to nag over everything, she dismisses my struggles, avoids providing for me but provides for my brothers (M14) and (M10), she has a boyfriend who berates her vulgarly and trash-talked me for two years, and yet… she’s still talking to him to this day… and wonders why I wanted to move out…
Thanks to this upbringing, I’m dubbed “insensitive”, it’s why I’m “not the affectionate type”, so monotone, and often *forgive*… That last part is more or less the fact that I never got justice or any apology growing up and again, if you felt wrong you’d get threatened with punishment
I find it awkward to love a Mom like that. A Mom who loves to put on a facade in public; “I don’t know why my Son wants to move out so badly”, a Mom who loves to avoid accountability, a Mom that loves to berate me…I had a sit-down with her in February 2024 explaining why I want to move out, informing her about the abuse she’s done, and even then she doesn’t remember, hell, half of the time she justifies it.
This feels like a vent post but I posted here because I wanted ask, Am I the Asshole for feeling this way?
PS. I have ADHD/Neurodivergent, and when I tell my story’s I like to add as much context, so sorry if this is unnecessarily lengthy
My mom is the exact same way. I know what you mean, and NTA. If you don’t love her, you don’t love her. In my experience, the farther away from my mom I stay, the better I feel. You can care about someone without loving someone, and vice versa. It seems like your mom falls in the versa category. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Nta i don’t have a relationship with my mother for me my auntie is my mom she adopted me when i was 13 after my dad died my birth mother left me and my dad when i was like 5 she tried a few times to talk with me but i don’t even want to
NTA. First of all, I am so sorry that you didn’t feel supported growing up. I feel sad for children who grow up in an environment where they didn’t feel loved by their family members. Secondly, you are in your absolute right to make the decision to not say “I love you” back to your mom. Expressing love for someone should be genuine and not forced. Love should make you feel happy, not guilty.
NTA.
I feel the pain, so many parts of this sound so familiar.
I can only think of 1 time (in 2003) that I heard my parents tell me “I love you”. If you don’t hear it growing up it can be very hard to say or hear it as an adult.
My relationship with my mother is vastly improved since then but if she said “I love you” now I would also feel really uncomfortable saying it back even though I do love her.
Your mother can feel upset all she wants but she shouldn’t be emotionally manipulating you like this.
NTA. You can’t be forced to feel something or say something you don’t. It doesn’t matter if she did everything right or not. These feelings are yours alone and don’t need any judgement.
NAH, you don’t have to tell your mom that you love her if you don’t want to / don’t feel it, and she’s allowed to process the realization that she was a parent who ruined the relationship between herself and her child in whatever form that takes, including crying herself to sleep. I also have parents who were bad at the job, so I know a version of what you feel. I hope everything works out for you and that this doesn’t hurt you as much in the future. If it helps, I struggled with this a lot less after 25 because I was more independent, so give it some time and you’ll hopefully be in a better place with it
NTA
YOUR choice . not hers. And: you have good reason not to love her.