My wife’s brother has had a second child 6 weeks ago (Two under Two).
We live over an hour away, work full time alongside one of us doing a master’s degree, have two dogs & care for an elderly aunt down the road. It is known to all family that we have no desire to have children & this is accepted by everyone but the feeling from my brother-in-law & his partner seems to suggest that us deciding not have children means that we have lots of time on our hands to help.
An example of this would be them asking my wife to drive down to them to look after their first child after work…..for one hour. A two hour commute for an hour of babysitting.
Don’t get us wrong, we like to help out where we can. My brother-in-law’s partner had a planned C-Section. We took the first kid for 5 days so he would go to the hospital everyday. Despite this, they continued to say "oh, the toddler isn’t sleeping well – we will need you both to come down again."
We were due to see them this weekend but they have suddenly cancelled despite them putting serious pressure on us to drop everything to see the new baby.
They cancelled last minute as her brother is back in the country & is due to fly back home tomorrow. Upon hearing this, we said that we would rearrange our plans for next weekend to see the new baby so they can spend time with her brother this weekend.
We were explicitly told "No, come down. You both haven’t seen the baby." Ready to go but it is cancelled 10 minutes before we were due to leave the house.
The pressure is still on for us to rearrange our plans to go down next weekend despite the cancellation being no fault of our own.
Are we the arseholes (sorry Irish) for not dropping everything for them & feeling that they do not value our time because my wife & I don’t want children?
nah mate youre not the asshole. you drove up, took their kid for 5 days, and they still cancelled on YOU last minute? thats some entitled shit. your time matters even without kids. stop rearranging your life for ppl who dont respect it
**(NTA)**
NTA. They cancelled at the last minute. You now get to schedule something at a mutually agreeable date and time.
They can ask. You can say no.
INFO: Did they explicitly cancel or did you learn that the brother is coming and decide to go next weekend? Your phrasing is a little bit confusing.
Sorry about that.
We knew her brother was home about a week (home for an entirely different reason). When the plans were originally made, the mother & the toddler were going to see her brother while my brother-in-law & the new baby would stay at home.
10 minutes before we left our house, it transpired that they were all going to see her brother.
NTA. you went above and beyond by taking their child for 5 days already. Anything after that is extra. Dont rearrange your life for them when they canceled. I think the problem here is, they expect you to be their village without considering the level of commitment that requires from you. As in, they want the benefits without the effort.
Please remember that no is a full sentence. So when he tries to ask for babysitting again, if it doesnt work for you, just say no. Dont explain, just no. Sorry, that won’t work for us.
As for rescheduling, schedule for a time that is best for you instead of rearranging everything. If he cancels again, I would have a serious conversation about it.
Their kids, their responsibility. I can’t stand the phrase it takes a village! It didn’t take a village when we had our child. It took 2 to create the baby and it takes 2 to figure it out without help. It’s called parenting. Don’t make them feel bad because you’ll have decided to be child free. It’s your time to do whatever you want. Our families lived in the same town and we NEVER called them to come help.
Tell them you made other plans. You didn’t choose to have their kids.
NTA.
Children aren’t the only type of responsibility people have. Yours are every bit as valid.
You are NTA and I am a mom.
Expecting you to drop everything and drive for an hour to babysit is beyond absurd unless there is an actual emergency.
It is also incredibly rude to change plans on someone last minute. Her brother being present does not stop you from dropping in to see the new baby.
You have plans next weekend. You just don’t know it yet.
No you’re not the arseholes. You’ve shown up, helped in a big way and you clearly care. Having their kid over for five days after a c section isn’t nothing. But you have lives too. The commuting 2 hours to watch over the baby for 1 hour is kinda a lot to ask and then canceling right before leaving – I would be annoyed at this point. Seems like they don’t respect your time
NTA…. You took their kid for 5 days during the C section and got cancelled on with 10 minutes notice,,,, you’ve nothing to feel guilty about. Childfree doesn’t mean endlessly available.
NTA, but maybe have a talk with them, letting them know that just because you are child free doesn’t mean you have free time to drop everything to help raise THIER kids.
Tell them you don’t want kids of your own because you don’t have the time to take them to school etc etc and you certainly don’t want kids a two hour round trip away. If they want you to see their new kid ask them to send you a picture (not a video as it takes longer to watch).
They are welcome to drive to you when it can be mutually arranged for you to see them and their kids for an hour.
NTA.