I graduated college two years ago, so this is my second year living away from home. I can’t drive due to a disability, so visiting my family requires someone else driving me. Every Thanksgiving for the past 3 years, my boyfriend drives 5 hours to take me to my mom’s, then 7 hours to his mom’s, then 7 more hours back to my house to pick me up, and then another 5 home. Because of this, he doesn’t have time to spend Thanksgiving with both his mom and dad since they live in different states.
This year, his dad really wants to see him and we finally worked out a plan: he would drop me off at my parents’ on Tuesday, go to his mom’s Wednesday, and pick me up Friday so we could spend the weekend with his dad. His dad only lives 1.5 hours from us, but we haven’t seen that side of his family since last Christmas.
I told my dad first, and he said he was totally fine with me leaving Friday. I even offered to stay until Sunday if he or my mom could drive me home. My dad said he didn’t want to do the full round trip, so Friday was fine.
I told my mom next, and everything blew up.
She told me I’m “not married or engaged,” so I should spend the entire holiday weekend with my family. She said she always stayed the whole weekend with her mom, that “everyone knows” holidays are for your family until you have your own, and that leaving Friday was “selfish” and “absurd.”
She also refused to drive me the full way home Sunday, but expected me to stay anyway. She suggested a friend drive 4 hours round-trip to meet my mom in the middle to get me home (without asking her), and told me to take the train alone, despite knowing I refuse because I was almost kidnapped twice as a teen riding the train.
When I explained that I literally don’t have a ride Sunday, she said I was being “manipulative,” “disrespectful,” and “only doing what’s convenient for me.” She said I don’t appreciate her or want to spend time with her.
I told her that if she wanted me all weekend, she’d have to drive me the full 8 hours home. If she couldn’t do that, I’d have to leave Friday because that’s when my boyfriend is coming back through. I reminded her my boyfriend already drives ridiculous hours every holiday and hasn’t seen his dad in years partly because he’s always driving me to her. I also reminded her I still come home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and even stay a week in the summer to watch her dog so she can go on vacation.
She refused to hear any of it and kept insisting that I should stay the whole weekend even though she won’t drive me home.
So now I’m leaving Friday, and she’s furious and calling me selfish.
AITA for not staying the entire Thanksgiving weekend when I don’t have a ride home if I stay?
NTA Neither your parents want to drive that many hours. Then they have to deal with what you can. Your boyfriend is a keeper. Go with what works best for you and your boyfriend. Your mom dont seem that mature on this point.
NTA, tbh with your mom attitude I would even reconsider going home for thanksgiving at all.
Right?! If bf is okay with it, just spend the entire holiday weekend with his family. It may even mean less travelling. Mom wants to get nasty, she can reap the rewards.
Gawd…of course you are not being selfish and you are NTA. You mother however is certainly being a selfish drama queen.
NTA. At this point I would seriously consider not going at all.
NTA. With the way your mom is acting, I’d tell dad “I love you, but I’m tired of mom’s disrespectful, manipulative behavior. Hopefully, I’ll see you all for Christmas if mom can properly apologize, respect my decisions AND realize I’m an adult.”
You’re an adult and it’s completely up to you how you want to manage the holidays with your family and your boyfriend’s family. Your mother can tell you what she wants but she can’t make any demands because it’s your decision.
I think you need to make and enforce some boundaries with mom starting immediately. Cancel your trip home, and either stay where you live or spend the time with your boyfriend.
Why the hell are you going *at all?* Honestly, your poor boyfriend has to do these trips how often?
>even stay a week in the summer to watch her dog so she can go on vacation.
Jfc.
NTA but why go at all? It sounds like it’s time to just go with your bf.
And it sounds like bf is due some “I pick the family” decisions. He hasn’t seen his Dad at Thanksgiving for years because of driving OP?! Why don’t they have an alternate year set-up going on already? Probably because OP’s Mom is so difficult and would make OP’s life a misery. Well, it’s going to happen eventually, so may as well rip the bandaid off.
NTA
Mom needs to understand that you are a full adult now.
If she is not happy with the options there is always another:
Cancel thanksgiving with them for this year, and enjoy the holidays with your BFs family.
And depending on the reaction on you not coming home on Thanksgiving, decide what kind of holiday you want Christmas to be.
Why do you want to spend a holiday TRAPPED with someone who does this? Maybe go with your bf’s have a friendsgiving in your town?
NTA
edit for fat thumbs
Nta i wouldn’t be coming at all. Id just stick with the bf and not make him drive out of his way for people that couldn’t be bothered to help you