My girlfriend’s (31F) mother is heavily dislikes me 31F) mainly because I don’t spend enough money on them. Now this doesn’t bother me too much since she’s never liked me but I want to get feedback on this.
Main issue is that I essentially don’t spend enough money on her side of the family and so they think I’m cheap. These are mostly things like regularly taking her whole family out to dinners and or regularly buying gifts for her mom. Our families live in the same area so essentially whenever I visit my family, I should come visit them and take them out.
Now for some context. I am pretty well off and while they don’t know the full extent of what I make, they know I make decent money. We have been together for 9 years and they know I treat their daughter very well (i.e. paying for expensive trips, dinners, gifts, etc.). They think that since I make a lot of money I should be taking them and her two younger siblings out for dinners whenever I’m in the area.
I’ve still taken them on big trips and paid for essentially all their expenses along with my GF. I just can’t go out of my way to take them out when visiting when I have parents to visit, especially since I only see them about 3-4 times a year. They are aware of this and still expect me to make time.
I feel like this monetary expectation is unreasonable and the more I learn about it the less I want to interact with them. I want to know if IATA here and should adjust my expectations. Would like some viewpoints from the women on here on what you expect from your partners as well.
Edit: Thank you for the replies. A few people asking where my GF stands in this. She does stand up for me to talk her family down but her family is stubborn. She doesn’t have the same expectations but is still disappointed that my relationship with her family is not all that great. Overall she is ok with the situation and doesn’t expect me to do anything. I am mainly wondering if I should change my attitude which sounds like most people think I am fine as is
NTA. That is some entitled BS. That said, it’s with your gf to shut that down. Get them xmas and birthday presents. That is literally your only obligation. If it were me I’d stop doing anything outside of that so they can realize how good they had it.
NTA, hoping that you and partner are 100% aligned on this and then stay tight and form a front together. You are in a relationship with her, NOT her family, even though it’s a packaged deal (often) but doesn’t come with obligation to pay their way.
NTA, you are marrying their daughter, not them. You don’t owe them anything more than you are doing. But it sounds like they are now using the money as another reason to not like their little girls bf.
What has your girlfriend done to stop this spoiled and entitled behavior of her family from reaching you? What has she said to defend you as someone who is provably generous and as someone who is not her own personal bank account?
I would be looking at whether or not I would want to tie myself with someone who sees me only as my wallet and who is allowing her family to treat me poorly.
Edit to Add:
I let my husband down once because my mother “is just like that.” Once he expressed his discomfort and disappointment, I realized he was right, I was just trying not to rock the boat, and I’ve stood up for him since.
The joke is that he finally saw my mother in full force the first time I stood up for him and he was horrified, but that’s neither here nor there. It was up to me to put a stop to what my mother was doing, and I did.
Your girlfriend needs to manage her family.
Thank you for your reply. Added this in the edit but she is largely ok with the situation. My GF tries to stand up to it but has some confrontation issues with her mom (which is a whole other story). I personally understand and am fine with it tbh.
Your In-laws are unreasonable, just because you make decent money, doesn’t mean you have to spend it on them. They sound entitled! It is not their money. What’s yours is not theirs.
That’s wild they feel entitled like that. I’ve never had a guy take any of my family on trips. I’m not sure my ex husband even once paid for more than him and I at dinner. He did cover my friends a handful of times. They should be grateful so yeah, that’s wild.
NTA.
You’re their future SIL, not their personal ATM. You aren’t required to fund the lifestyle they want for themselves.
The big question is where does your GF fall on this issue?
Thank you for your reply. Added this in the edit but she is largely ok with the situation. She would like a good relationship between me and her family but understands the expectation is too much.
NTA you’re in a rel with her, not her family even if they’re part of the package, that doesn’t mean you’re oblige to support them financially.
NTA- sounds like you need to run away/ elope if necessary. No need to be buying for the whole family. They can get there own jobs and relationships. Spend what you want on your lady but parents and siblings shouldn’t be included.
IDK if this is a cultural thing where you/gf are from, but if you are either in the US or anywhere in Europe, this is not normal. It’s freakish amd financially abusive, in addition to being inappropriately transactional. I’m almost 60. I have never heard of any kind of expectation that you have to spend money on your SO’s parents and siblings… in order for them to like you. Wrong on so very many levels.
NTA.
You’re not obligated to financially entertain your partner’s family just because you earn well. Being generous *sometimes* is kind; being *expected* to regularly pay your way into approval is not. You already prioritize your own family, treat your girlfriend well, and have even funded trips that’s more than reasonable. Their expectations sound entitled, not fair.
NTA
It’s their daughter you are dating, not them. I could understand it more if you were married, but you are not.