For a bit of context, during high school I had a friend group of 3 people, we were best friends (and are still on good terms) and always hung around in school and used to sit together in class. We also hanged outside of school, usually to eat or something, and have been to each other’s places a few times. We really got along well, but I guess it wasn’t a brotherlike friendship since we barely did any sleepovers or major things together, but we were close high-school friends. After graduation we didn’t cut contact but obviously weren’t in touch as much, and all three of us have left to study in a different city.
The story begins about three weeks ago, at the very start of the Christmas break. I’m back into my hometown, as most of my classmates are, since our school was hosting the graduation ceremony (a bit weird to do it 6 months later) where they handed out our graduation papers/high school diploma. A bit meaningless since we all knew we graduated but it was symbolic nonetheless and it was a great opportunity to chat with our classmates and see what they’re up to.
Anyway I’m gonna cut to the chase since I digress and talk too much.
I’m chatting with John (an alias), who was one of the two close friends I talked about, and I realize that Chris (alias 2), the other member of the group, isn’t here because he couldn’t make it and is only arriving tomorrow. John asks me if I was there at the funeral because he couldn’t make it, and I simply don’t understand what he was talking about. I ask him to explain, guessing he was referring to a teacher’s passing or something like that, but he says "Oh he didn’t tell you", as I come to the realization that Chris’ father has passed away. I barely had the words to say anything, and not too long after the topic changed.
Since then I’ve been thinking about it a bit. I wonder why he didn’t want to tell me, or if he simply forgot (very unlikely), and also wonder if I should have sent him a text or brought it up when the three of us had food together later that week, but I didn’t. It didn’t feel right, would’ve made it weird, and I was thinking about why he didn’t text me in the first place, meaning he could have been not comfortable about this topic, which is perfectly understandable, and so I didn’t bring it up or mention it in the slightest.
I asked myself if maybe he thought we weren’t close enough for him to disclose that kind of thing. Maybe he didn’t think I was the right type of person to share this with. I understanding grieving is a difficult and different process for everyone, and that means wanting to be alone is totally fine. The thing is I didn’t think he considered himself that much closer to John, and I am not jealous or anything, but I’m confused if I should have talked to him about it, in person or over text, at least offer my condolences and say I’m sorry for his loss. It feels like overstepping my boundaries since he didn’t want me to know. Am I overthinking? Did I do something wrong? AITA
Text? Yes. Call. F YES
NAH honestly. Grief is weird and hard to deal with. I can understand why you felt it would be awkward but sure, you also could have handled it better and not made it about you. I don’t see any fault on his part for not telling you directly that his dad died- he likely had a lot going on and couldn’t audit exactly who he contacted directly or not. IMO it’s never too late to reach out with genuine condolences- maybe you WBTA if you purposely avoid him/ mentioning his dad’s passing because you’re upset he didn’t tell you personally.
NTA but send that condolence txt now.
NAH
You’ve overthought this entirely. The burden is 100% on you to reach out. He is going through major trauma and there are any million number of reasons he didn’t reach out to you specifically.
Also, this isn’t a secret – you wouldn’t be overstepping any boundaries. You should contact him ASAP and just express your genuine care for him with no expectation of anything in return.
Soft YTA. Your friend needs support and encouragement right now. Period. Call him. Even if he purposefully didn’t tell you because he no longer likes you, you should still extend him some grace and give your condolences.
However you are totally overthinking this and you should never judge anyone’s actions when they are grieving like this. Grief makes people act all sorts of ways, and many times it simply doesn’t make sense to other people. Grief is really, really tough. He’s probably wondering why you didn’t reach out to him. It’s not his burden to announce his father’s passing to everyone he knows.
To be honest, if you two were so close, how have you not had any contact with him since his father passed? Why didn’t the other friend let you know that Chris’s father passed? I’m confused how, for such a close group of friends, this just didn’t come up earlier.
Yeah I’m confused as well, we had been texting every now and then ever since we “split up” for our studies, mostly small talk and things about how our year was going, academically and socially, but he didn’t mention this. I don’t think he’s mad at me because he keeps sending me funny reels like he used to, and his messages don’t seem dry.
To answer your question John didn’t tell me earlier because he likely assumed I had been told aswell. He only brought it up when asking if I had been able to attend the funeral.
Just to be clear I didn’t mean to judge his actions and am not mad at him in the slightest, I feel sorry for making it feel that way.
I wanted to thank you for your thoroguh message and your honesty. I will send a message to him this evening, I’ll let you know what happens if you want to.
Please do! I think he’d appreciate any kindness you can show him during this time.
You still have time to call or txt. When people lose someone special that’s what they are thinking about, not who to tell. You can still bridge the gap and be supportive, please call / txt or write a card old-school for yourself and your friend.
When a friend goes through something tragic, a quick phone call or text means everything to that person. It doesn’t take much, but the best thing to do is touch base with them even if it seems a little weird. It means everything.
His dad died. Now it’s not the time to worry about which of the two of you he feels closest to. Send him a condolences text because he’s your friend and that’s the right thing to do, regardless.
Soft YTA he probably didn’t tell you because he forgot. His dad just died, people behave differently during grief, especially grief like losing a parent so early in life. My grandmother is usually a control freak and on the ball about everything, when my grandpa died she just couldn’t make any decisions at all, my dad had to do everything.
In situations like this, the best move is always to offer condolences. It can be something like a text just saying that you heard the news and you’re here for him if he ever needs to talk or anything. It leaves the ball in court on if he wants to reach out or not. And it also avoids any in person awkwardness or accidental mood ruining.
If he doesn’t it still doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to be your friend. I have depression and sometimes it stops me from reaching out to friends for months despite loving them dearly. Grief can be very similar.
Try not to take any of his actions too personally right now.
I found out that an old friend had died on the day of his funeral, I was so mad that no one thought to call me. I had moved to the next town so our contact had changed but that wasn’t the point. Reach out to him asap if only to say you’ve only just found out, your so very sorry for his loss and can up you do anything. He will either respond or he won’t and you’ll have your answer
His fathers death isn’t about you. It didn’t happen and then Chris immediately went “well, I’d better not tell OP!” He wouldn’t have been thinking of you at all. John probably heard through the grapevine or happened to be talking to Chris about then so he knew.
I’ll assume you haven’t been through a personal loss yet so don’t yet understand what it is to feel the shock and grief. I’ll say NAH but its now on you to reach out to Chris, say you only just learned of his father’s passing and are so sorry about it and that you weren’t there to support him at the time.