I am a 25 y.o. male and have a complicated relationship with my family, especially my mom. She was a stay-at-home mom and has seemingly always been unhappy with her marriage to my dad. My dad has cheated on her multiple times over the years, with the earliest instances being around my senior year of high school. Despite this still being ongoing, and her knowledge of it, she has basically chosen to ignore it (I’ve heard her say “I just want the man I married back” way too many times). Because of this, and most likely because of some childhood trauma that she refuses to ever talk about, she’s very emotionally dependent on me and my twin sister.
Growing up, there was a lot of guilt around how much time we spent with her and how much we did for her. No matter what we did, it never felt like enough. As adults, this has continued. If we don’t visit enough, call enough, or show up exactly how she wants (especially around holidays), she gets upset and guilt-trips us. Even when time is spent with her, she expresses resentment and hostility towards the people and activities we prioritize instead (such as my girlfriend, my sister’s boyfriend, our SO’s family, etc).
I’ve tried to create some distance as an adult. I still see my parents at least several times a week (though most visits are very brief) and keep in touch, but I don’t center my life around them. I have a serious partner (together 4 years, living together), a job, and my own life.
My sister, on the other hand, believes that because our mom “sacrificed everything for us,” we now owe it to her to do the same. For my mom’s upcoming birthday, my sister spent hundreds of dollars on gifts and expected me to contribute the same.
My sister confronted me and said it’s not only her responsibility to make our mom happy, that’s she’s only 1/3 (expects me and our dad to cater to her wants). She said that since Mom gave up so much, we should be prioritizing her emotional needs and going above and beyond all the time. Many gifts for holidays, family vacations, lots of time spent together as a family…
I told her that I love our mom, but I don’t believe it’s my job to manage her happiness or make up for her marriage. I retorted that I’m allowed to live my own adult life without being made to feel guilty about it.
Now things are tense, and I’m being made to feel like I’m abandoning my mom or failing as a son for setting boundaries.
So… AITA for refusing to take responsibility for my mom’s happiness and not doing as much as my sister thinks I should?