I’m asking because I genuinely can’t tell if it’s just my emotions getting the better of me or if I’m genuinely in the right here.
My(17f) mom and I are going on a trip (10+ hour flight) to where we are from to spend the holidays with our family. She let me know recently that her boyfriend will also be coming with us.
I’m not big fan of her bf. I’ve been trying to suck it up but it’s pretty obvious that I’m not happy about it because whenever it comes up I just kind of clam up and get kinda awkward. Whenever he comes over in general I just usually stay in my room and we don’t really interact unless I’m putting in most if not all of the effort into the conversation.
My mom asked me if I didn’t want him to go and I said I wasn’t excited about it and she got mad saying I was making it all about me. But my question here is, knowing that him being around makes me uncomfortable, and still insisting on him coming and inviting him without asking me, isn’t she making it all about her?
I get that it’s kind of selfish of me to not want him to come even if it would make her really happy, but in him coming it also makes me really uncomfortable.
Idk if it’s relevant or not but my mom’s former husband tried to film CSAM of me so I get pretty uncomfortable around all her partners. It’s not that I don’t want her to date, it’s that I don’t want her partners around me. Which again, I understand can be quite selfish on my end but also I just want to feel safe in my own home. He’s over 3+ times a week and I don’t say anything. But I was really excited to just go on this trip and enjoy time with my family.
I don’t think the rest of the family wants him coming either. We are staying with them and she didn’t even ask if he could go and when my grandma expressed discomfort at him staying AT HER HOUSE without my mom asking first my mom got super mad. But idk? I’ve never had a bf and I don’t have a lot of experience with these things so maybe it is normal to expect invitations to you also extend to your partner but it’s weird.
She’s calling me selfish and is super mad at me but even if I TRY to not care I can’t. My emotions are just kind of out of hand rn and I’m super angry and stressed and sad. Idk. Sorry if this isn’t correctly tagged I couldn’t tag multiple things
Also edit: idk if it’s relevant or not but the car our family is lending us a two seater so him coming is extremely inconvenient because we don’t all fit
NTA and this isn’t you being dramatic. You’re 17, you’ve got real trauma, and being uncomfortable around your mom’s partners makes sense. A 10 hour flight plus holidays plus a guy you don’t feel safe around is a lot. Your mom inviting him without checking with you or the family is wild. Wanting one trip to feel safe and chill isn’t selfish, it’s basic. Your feelings are valid even if she doesn’t want to hear it.
NTA
> making it all about me
> calling me selfish
If there is one time that you are allowed to make it about you are being selfish is on things that directly impact *your* life.
Your mom is being quite presumptuous assuming that everyone wants her BF around, just because she does. This is absolutely the sort of thing that you ask about first.
Clearly the rest of the family doesn’t want this either, as the grandmother already spoke up about the imposition of housing and entertaining a total stranger. So no, it’s not just OP, although OP has genuine reason to be uncomfortable with this.
It’s not selfish on your end, the fact is your mother is a very selfish person and has put her wants above your needs and always will, sorry.
NTA. Speaking as a single mother of two (a young adult and a teenager), she should have made sure you were comfortable with her inviting him to join you for the trip. She also should have respected your grandmother enough to ask if he could stay at her house.
Is it possible for you and your mother to have family counseling?
You know it’s not…. A mom like this is not into talking thru it for positive changes. Sending you Love OP.
I was already gonna say NTA, but after reading that one of your Mom’s former partners tried to produce CSAM of you?!? 100% NTA!! You understandably have trauma from that, and why is it so important your Mom’s boyfriend goes on this trip? It seems that she has a history of ignoring your feelings, opinions, and safety for the sake of having any partner stick around 🙁 you deserve so much better OP ❤️ and a Mom that values your emotional well-being!
I didn’t clarify in the post but she kicked him out of the house as soon as she found out. She tried to reconcile/get back with him but I told her I would not be living w him ever again and then she pretended she’d never suggested it
NTA omg I am so sorry! The fact that your grandma isn’t comfortable with him tells me you aren’t wrong for feeling the way you do, ESPECIALLY because of what your mom’s ex husband tried to do. The fact that she isn’t prioritising your comfort and safety after that is wild. I can’t stand parents who refuse to put their kids first ahead of the person they’re currently banging!
NTA – the second your mom asked how you felt about something and got mad at you for the answer, she’s the problem.
Because you are always, always allowed to feel however you feel. Your behavior can be ok or not ok (in this case it’s entirely ok!) but you are always 100% to feel. You mom made a trap for you – she asked what you felt and when you gave her the answer she didn’t want, she lashed out.
Your mom not only isn’t protecting you as she should, but she’s violating your boundaries and emotionally abusing you. You have a right to a safe home, full stop. It’s not selfish. You’re 17, you cannot legally provide that for yourself, that is what you have a parent for, and she’s refusing to do that.
It sounds like your grandmother may be understanding. Talk to her about the entire situation.
Your mother is the selfish person in your relationship. Her child should have always been her primary concern and focus. Your feelings are valid and justified. I hope that when you are older, you can find a safe place to call home and not be subjected to the men your mother chooses over her child.
nta! it sounds like ur mother has a horrible taste in men and is taking it out on you that she’s being told off from family about it. i see it all the time where women will date for the sake of not being in a room alone, they take what they can get and even if their partner is causing issues for others or even themselves they won’t leave them because being loved by someone of their preferred romantic sex means more than having respect. Your mom is excusing her bad taste in men and bad judgement and shrugging you off because you’re still technically a child to her… hoping your family has the gall to say something, if so, ask them to sort of instigate for you.
NTA. Well it is a holiday trip to see family so shouldn’t it be all about you and not him? And mom too of course. The not asking your grandma was probably because she would have been told no. Sorry OP
NTA. Your mother is very selfish. She cares about herself and her needs first. Unfortunately she isn’t apt to change at this stage of her life, so it is up to you try and adapt, or ride the situation out until you are of age to make your own decisions about your life.