I’m married and my wife has an identical twin sister. They’re extremely close and have shared clothes and other items their whole lives. I honestly don’t have a problem with that in general.
Where I struggle is with items I specifically buy for my wife that has some sentimental value to me. I take gift-giving seriously, and when I give her something, especially clothing or shoes, it’s usually intentional and personal. To me, those gifts are meant for her, from me.
Some added context: my wife isn’t originally from the U.S. She moved here a couple of years ago from Colombia, so a lot of experiences here are still new to her. Around Thanksgiving, I took her to visit my university for the first time ever. It was her first college campus visit, and it meant a lot to me to share that with her. I bought her an alumni sweater from my school as a keepsake from that day. Later on, I found out her twin sister worn it several times out on dates, to the gym, and to her boyfriends house (who I really dislike).
This has happened with other things too. I’ve bought her some more expensive and meaningful items, including her first pair of luxury shoes (Alexander McQueens) and pair of matching Jordans (one for me and her), and those were also shared with her sister. For me, it’s not really about the money, it’s more about what those items represent and the memories attached to them.
Outside of sentimental gifts like this, I don’t care what clothes they share. I’m not trying to control what my wife wears or interfere with her relationship with her sister. I’ve brought this up calmly before and explained how I feel, but she tends to get defensive since sharing with her sister has always been normal for them.
So, am I overreacting for wanting certain gifts I give my wife to stay personal between us, or should I just let it go?
FYI: I have had this conversation with her in the past, she just haven’t said anything to her sister when she grab the items. SIL moved in 2 months ago due to a bad break up and had to leave their apartment, they got back together the week of moving in to my house and she still here living with us in our office space because she isn’t comfortable moving back to that apartment. Toxic I’d say.
YTA – it’s a gift, you can’t control how it’s used
NAH. I think it’s fair to be miffed that gifts you perceive as sentimental are being shared, but keep it to yourself. She’s close with her sister and once a gift is given, it’s on the receiver to determine who can borrow it or not. And this is isn’t personalized or lingerie that’s being borrowed. It’s shoes and sweatshirts. That’s pretty normal for sisters to share.
YTA- sounds a little controlling, sisters share clothes it’s bound to happen especially if one doesn’t own nice things, honestly if she wouldn’t share them with her sister I’d be concerned about their bond. Is it that you see her sister in the clothing and think of your wife?
Clothing isn’t only to be worn for memories if you attach that much meaning to items of clothing you will be sorely disappointed when they get thrown away or ruined, try and attach the memories to your wife not what you bought her.
unfortunately you married someone with a sister from a country where family means more than anything, she IS going to share, causing problems between sisters will only end your marriage, the sister comes first.
Her twin sister in a way is like her having a child with someone else, when you agreed to marry HER, you were also taking in her twin ” gratefully, and unconditionally ” . ……. good luck!
NAH, but I would stop gifting her clothing items. If she asks just say you discussed it hurt your feeling and she obviously didn’t subscribe the same level of sentimentality to it so you’ll give her other gifts instead.
YTA, why are you getting sentimental about clothes? That’s so odd
It’s gonna be pretty funny the first time you grab your wife’s butt or cop a feel to find out it’s really the sister!
Soft yta. This is logistically impossible.
Does she know which items are “off limits”? Do you tell her explicitly? Is the reason the same every time, or is there a different reason for each one?
Do u want her to give less meaningful stuff to her twin sister? That would feel terrible for both of them.
Yta, there are two cultural considerations that you’re missing here completely. The first is that it’s not just her sister. It’s her twin sister. Don’t ever try to cross that line. You’re going to lose. I’ve got a whole lot of twins in my family and you don’t fuck with their connection in any way. It’s something that you cannot understand from the outside.
Second is that she’s from another country and a culture we’re sharing is much more common and obvious than it is in the United States. The whole. “You can’t touch/use it because it’s mine” is a very Western European mindset that is much less common in the global South. I’m not saying that there’s no one like that. I’m saying that it’s a very specific character trait and not mainstream and will make people from those cultures assume a lot of other things about you.
I can’t speak to your girlfriend or her family in particular and I don’t want to over generalize but from no adult I’ve ever known from South America would consider a sweatshirt a sentimental item that you have to treat with reverence. Maybe a pair of Jordans that they thought that was the only pair of Jordans they would ever get.
I would suggest you adjust. In the scope of a marriage this is a very minor problem
YTA – and without wanting to be insulting none of those items sound even remotely sentimental. I really don’t think visiting a college campus is remotely sentimental, sorry. Do you realise that when you give someone a gift it is meant to be a gift to THEM? They get to pick how it is used, they get to decide if others can borrow it? You come across super controlling and also quite weird about your wife. She is a person not a Barbie doll that you pay to accessorise.
NTA stop giving her clothes you spoke to her and she is disrespecting you by not caring about your feelings on what you gift her especially if you explained the sentimental value of the gifts to her I love my sisters dearly but would never share anything my husband has gifted me I put more value on them because they came from him
NAH I get your side emotionally but the sharing of clothes between siblings