My bf has been friends with this guy for 20 years and he’s constantly disrespecting me and being weird for as long as we’ve been dating (2 years). I’ve made it very clear to my bf that I have no problem with them hanging out and still being friends but I don’t want to be around him. My bf says the issue is me and the fact that I don’t like his politics (which I don’t) but I didn’t like him/didn’t want to be around him WAAAAY before I found out about his leanings.
His best friend when we started dating asked my bf to go to his house to let the dog out. We were hanging out at the time and it was a 40+ min drive but I said I didn’t mind. We get there and his dad is there with the dog, no issue. When my bf calls his friend to ask why he asked him to let the dog out since no one would be home his best friend laughed and said “oh I was testing your loyalty now that you have a girl”.
We also went on a double date with his best friend and gf and the entire time we were at the restaurant he didn’t acknowledge my existence. I asked for napkins when I spilled my drink and he ignored me to which his gf had to reach around him to grab them to hand to me. We’ve been over at their house and when I asked for some water he ignored me and then threw a bottle of water at me when I wasn’t looking to which my bf had to catch before it hit me. After this, I told my bf I wasn’t going to hang out with him anymore because he’s an asshole but he could still be his friend and hang out as much as he wants.
My bf has defended him at every turn. States that their friendship of 20 years supersedes our relationship of 2 and that I’m the only person that has a problem with his behavior. (Not true since I’ve talked to multiple people that know him and they agree that he’s an asshole).
Am I in the wrong here for not wanting to be around him or am I “being dramatic”?
Ok. What does this say about your bf? About what kind of person he is? About what kind of support he would give you? Is this really the guy you want to be with? You’re an AH to yourself for not respecting yourself. But for purposes of this sub, NTA.
This is it. OP has a BF problem, not a BF’s friend problem. The friend threw a bottle at OP’s head while she wasn’t looking and the BF had to catch it, and he didn’t go “Hey, that’s really weird, don’t do that!” The best friend is ignoring his GF, and this guy doesn’t go “Hey, you’re being rude to my partner, stop that”?
This isn’t about BF choosing his best friend of 20 years over his girlfriend, this is about BF allowing his partner to be disrespected, and staying friends with an asshole without even trying to address his behaviour. He doesn’t have to defend this guy’s bad behaviour in order to continue to be his friend.
I wouldn’t tolerate this. Luckily, my SO’s friends are really nice. If they were acting the way this guy is acting, I would expect my SO to defend me. What kind of partner allows blatant disrespect to their girlfriend? Doesn’t matter who it comes from. If he really feels like his relationship with this guy supersedes the one he has with you, that’s a big red flag. Your partner is supposed to be your priority. If he feels that way, sad to say but this doesn’t seem salvageable. NTA
NTA. You have made it clear that he can maintain both relationships with a little bit of effort. He’s decided to put way more effort into guilting you into hanging out with his AH friend.
If I were you, I’d be hosting a party… Let him try that stuff in front of my oldest friend and see how that works out for anyone!
Your boyfriend is practically shouting that he neither cares for nor respects you. I’m almost surprised he caught the water bottle before it hit you, but good on him for that at least. Anyone who allows, let alone defends someone who is mistreating their significant other, does not deserve that significant other. I realized 2 years can feel like a long time, but you should really cut your losses before you waste any more time, emotion, or energy on someone who won’t do the bare minimum for you.
NTA Get a new bf, he doesn’t value you as nobody would allow a friend to treat their partner like this.
NTA. This man is not good to you or good for you. It’s time to reconsider the relationship. Can you put up with years of this? Do you want to?
I don’t typically like to jump to dumping someone on these posts but I will say that your BF’s reaction to how his friends treat you is indicative of how much he respects you. I would not stay with someone who not only allowed their friends or family to mistreat me but also defended their behavior. As long as you’re with him, his friend will be above reproach. Imagine this guy at your wedding…or as godfather to future kids. NTA.
Everyone has priorities and your boyfriend’s isn’t you.
My SO’s best friend disliked me because I was introverted. My SO craved his friend’s approval badly. It put a big strain on our relationship from the start. However, that guy wasn’t nearly so awful to me. In your place, I’d leave him. This friend has the maturity of a 13 yo. You suggested a reasonable compromise which was rejected. If you stick around, expect that friend’s treatment of you to get worse and your BF won’t defend you. Is that what you want? NTA
NTA. Your boyfriend has already said it, this friendship takes precedence over your relationship with him and his first loyalty will always be to this guy. What is even more concerning is that he sees no problem with this behaviour that is happening in front of him, which means that he condones it.
The fact that your boyfriend has said that he is not like this with others despite you having heard otherwise is a huge red flag. You wouldn’t be the first girlfriend to endure this behaviour and I doubt you would be the last.
You will always be second best, so save yourself the heartache and let them have each other.
You have a bf problem. NTA
NTA – Not only is this guy disrespecting you but your BF is doing the same. The second your BF told you the relationship with this shi\*ty bro dude supersedes your relationship and basically laid the blame on you I’d have ended the relationship. This situation is not tenable and will only get worse as he is not even willing to allow you distance yourself from his friend. Does your BF and his friend share the same beliefs? Both these guys sound like trash humans.
Why are you still with your boyfriend? There is nothing that he can be adding to your life that outweighs the fact that he will not defend you and tells you that you are not important to him?