Ok, this is going to be a bit to explain but here goes nothing.
So I (28F) have a niece (20F) and nephew (14M) who are related to me by marriage. My Dad married their grandma. My stepmom has 3 daughters of her own who are roughly 10 years older than me. The oldest being the mother of the grandkids.
Now this is where it gets tough. My stepmom, we’ll call her Stella, was never great. A little backstory, my parents got divorced when I was 16 and my dad met Stella less than 6 months later. They were married by the time I was 18. She spent most of her time making my dad choose between her and I and was always nasty to me, but very behind the scenes so my dad never fully saw it.
Anyways… fast forward a couple years and her eldest is in deep shit. She has remarried, had some form of drug abuse (to my knowledge, just weed but I have been left out of the loop for a good amount). Her parenting has been borderline abusive and my stepmom takes the grandkids in. A lot goes down, but my stepmom decides the best course of action is to disown her daughter and adopt the grandkids. I don’t ever want to to diminish what these kids have gone through.
This is where my question starts. When the decision was made to adopt, my dad started acting like the grandkids are now becoming my siblings. His direct quote was "you’re going to have a new brother and sister". I’m sorry, but they are my niece and nephew, don’t make it weird. Every time I met up with my dad, I hear about the kids and what he has been doing with them lately. I think it is important to note, he is treating these kids completely different from how my brother and I were treated growing up. He tells me stories of how he is conscious of their feelings and understanding they are just kids. He never saw it that way for us. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I had a bad childhood and I understand these kids had a rough upbringing (I have gone to therapy to cope the shift in my dad. The last thing I want to do is resent the kids for nothing they have done).
Where I am stuck, is I am now expected to call them my brother and sister. I was their step aunt for 4+ years. Our ages are close, sure, but I was the cool aunt that was relatable. But now all of a sudden, because of a rash (not sure fully justified) decision I am expected to act like they are my siblings? I am only hesitant because the grandson (14M) has called me his sister. I don’t want to offend or hurt them, but this whole situation makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I have never felt accepted as a daughter from my stepmom yet I am expected to accept a situation that is so bizarre and change my relationship to these kids? Why does it have to change? People adopt their grandkids. That doesn’t all of a sudden make them their parents instead of grandparents. Why does it have to change?
So AITA for not wanting to call them my siblings?
nah you’re not wrong. they were your niece and nephew first and that bond was real. your dad doesnt get to rewrite your relationship with these kids just bc the paperwork changed. the label shift is weird and you’re allowed to feel that way
**(NTA)**
NTA. You’re twenty eight years old. Your father doesn’t get to decide such things as how you are addressed and what your relationship is with someone.
You do.
And the “kids” are 20 and 14… unless there is a serious disability why would a 20 year old need adopted? I get the 14 year old, but even then, he’s old enough to get that he’s family without needing the relationship relabeled.
For health insurance. For legal rights as next of kin in case of an accident. For love.
My stepmom adopted me after my daddy died. I was well past legal age, but it was very meaningful for personal reasons.
For the dad, but that has no bearing on what they call OP.
After all of that the only thing that matters is….you are an adult and don’t have to call anyone anything you don’t want to. End of story
NTA
IMO, your feelings are valid. As someone else said in the comments, you were these kids’ step-aunt first, before your Dad and step-mom decided to adopt your step-Mom’s grandchildren.
I think that, since your niece/stepsister is 20, and legally an adult at this point, then the two of you can decide what sort of relationship (if any) you want to have going forward. Your Dad and stepmom don’t need to be involved in that decision making process.
NTA – but if your dad adopted these kids, they would be your siblings. If your dad never adopted these kids mom, they were never your niece/nephew to begin with.
And honestly, you are 28, why does this even matter? Who cares if the 14 year old calls you his sister? Is there some sort of expectation for you, who is a grown adult, presumably living on your own, to these adopted niblings??
Well that was weird! NTA all the way. It’s bizarre that your dad and evil stepmom feel the need to rename their relationship with the grandkids. Even stranger to try to shoehorn you into it.
I could see if they adopted them when they were like 3 years old and wanted them to have parent-figures, but this situation makes no sense. I think no one is the AH, but I’m not sure.
NTA. It is ridiculous to expect you to suddenly accept some bastardized version of an already convoluted situation.
NTA. Adoption changes the legal relationship, not your feelings overnight. They’ve been your niece and nephew for years and it makes sense that’s how you see them. Your dad can choose to frame it however he wants, but he doesn’t get to dictate how you emotionally process it. As long as you’re kind and supportive to the kids, that’s what actually matters.
The biggest question is: Are the step-niece and nephew ADOPTED, or have your parents just became their LEGAL GUARDIAN?
If the step-niece and nephew are not legally adopted (so your parents are the legal guardian but still the grandparents), definitely NTA. They are literally not your siblings. If they are adopted (so your parents are legally their parents), they are your adopted siblings and should be treated as such.
The most important thing is, no matter how you refer to them, let them refer to you however they want. Ultimately, how you refer to someone is a choice of comfort between both parties. If they want to call you a sister and you are comfortable with that, that is fully OK. If you are not comfortable calling them siblings, don’t call them siblings.
NTA. I would have said no assholes here, except for the double standard that comes from your step-mother treating you poorly but expecting a big happy family as soon as she adopts your niece & nephew.
However, if your niece or nephew want to call you their sister, accept it. It shows that they feel a closer relationship with you. Don’t correct them. They are family, even if they aren’t biologically related, and that they feel close to you is a good thing. Human connection is good.
If they only blowback you’re getting is from your father and/or step-mother, tell them to kick rocks. You don’t need to re-write your/their past for their comfort after what they’ve put you through.
Your dad cannot make you call them your siblings. You don’t have to scream and fuss, just dont do it or allow them to do it. If it becomes a problem, you can be in touch with them all less and less and less until it doesn’t matter what you call each other. NTA