I (28m) am from an asian family. I moved to Europe about 5 years ago for my master’s. I finished my master’s and started working right away. Now over those years i didn’t have the money yo afford flight tickets back so I only came home recently after about 4.5 years. My mum lives alone but there’s a lot of extended fam (aunts, uncle’s, cousins living next doors). Now for the past 6 months or so my entire family has been OBSESSED with the idea of me getting married. And i’ve had several arguments with them regarding why I don’t wanna be married just yet.
I may have a job but its not something i wanna do, it started off as a part-time gig that i took to pay bills but im stuck with it for now. I don’t make enough money to feed a family and most of all, I don’t feel happy with the place I’m at in life. Another thing is, I’ve only started feeling a sense of financial freedom and independence the last couple years. I save whatever little i can to travel a little bit in the the neighboring countries, nothing extravagant, maybe go see a concert a couple times a year. Just doing things i couldn’t do as a kid because we had limited resources. I say i’m unhappy with my professional life but I’m also content with being able to pay my bills and doing things i like.
Now as i’ve been approaching 30 my whole life has become a warzone. I’m home for the holidays and I feel so left out and alone because it’s all everyone talks about. How it’s my responsibility at this point to get married, and how my mum lives alone and she needs someone to take care of her (my dad is not in the picture) and i honestly get all of that. My mum has been borderline depressed lately and I blame myself for it and so does everyone else because "she lives alone and i live abroad" but i DO NOT think me getting married is the solution. I do wanna bring my mom to live with me but I don’t have the resources to do so especially now that I’m always hunting for a stable job. Every part of me is put off by the idea of it, not like I dont want to get married but i wanna do it when im ready and find someome on my own, not by some arranged BS. I don’t wanna be trapped with someone or ruin their life because my family told me to do so.
So, AITA for not wanting to get married for my family’s sake and Everyone blaming me for my mum’s bad mental health?
Appreciate any advice.
NTA. Go back to Europe and tell your family that until they butt out of your personal life, you will not visit again.
No arguments about culture or about family obligations etc. They are irrelevant. This is YOUR future and you have the right to make your own decisions.
Thank you for the support. I am 4 days into my 6 week vacation and i’m genuinely considering rescheduling my return flight and leaving early. Fr feeling like i won’t even be mentally well enough to go back to my job if I stay the whole 6 weeks lol
If your family is causing this much stress after just 4 days, there’s no shame in cutting your visit with them short.
Fly, be free!
And your mother shouldn’t be lonely & depressed if she’s surrounded by family, as you said. They should be ensuring this isn’t happening.
NTA. Keep doing what you’re doing and enjoy your life.
*and how my mum lives alone and she needs someone to take care of her*
There it is ⬆️. They dont care about YOU getting married they want someone to take care of your mom for free! Stop feeling the need to defend yourself, they dont control your life and cannot tell you what to do. Go live your life and build yourself up before settling down because you are right marriage is a huge financial commitment! NTA
Nah, you’re not the asshole. Marriage is a huge deal and should never be rushed or forced just to make others happy. You gotta live your life, not theirs. Your mom’s mental health isn’t on you to fix with a quick wedding. Take your time, focus on your goals, and do you. Real love and stability can’t be forced or arranged like a checklist.
As a single Asian woman in her 33rd year on this earth, let me tell you, you WILL be the asshole if you get married just because you feel guilty that your mother is alone and depressed and your family is pressuring you to marry.
My mom passed away five years ago. She knew my views on marriage and kids (that I wanted neither), and she wasn’t happy with it, it probably made her sad not to have future grand kids. But she never pressured me to change my mind and respected my decisions because she understood that my life is mine to live the way I wanted.
And THEN! One of her old colleagues had the gall to tell me that I should get married to make mom’s spirit happy after she passed away. The inner eye roll I rolled. Like, that woman gave birth to me and knew me. She would KNOW that guilt tripping me using her was not gonna work.
Sorry to make this about me, but I was trying to say, like me, your life is yours to live. I’m sure your mother is a lovely woman, but just because she gave birth to you, you don’t have to make yourself miserable to make her happy. That’s unfair to you, to any woman you marry with that mindset, to any kids you might have, and even unfair to your mother.
She’s lived her life, whatever fulfillment and regrets she has, are hers. This is your life. Live it for yourself.
If she is lonely and depressed, find a better solution. I’d suggest trying to get her to Europe, because knowing Asian families, being away from the busybodies asking about her son’s marriage would go towards helping her too.
A very, very gentle NTA
As someone also from a very ‘family first’ Asian family, and has been in a similar situation, i know how emotionally taxing this dilemma can be. Even if your mind is set and certain on the reasons why you want to live life by your choices, there’s so much internal and external guilt essentially going against family values you’ve been raised with.
be polite and clear with your reasons and boundaries with your extended family. They might not like it at the start and might push back against it, but if you stay consistent they might eventually back off.
As for your mum, as harsh as it sounds, she’s also an adult. You can help by having open and honest conversations about mental health, and pointing her to resources online, but if she decides that her mental wellbeing hinges on you getting married and moving back then the situation will never get better. True improvement only happens when it’s to a degree self motivated and something that she genuinely wants to happen
I’m rooting for you op! This is your life to live, and you have a responsibility to yourself too to make choices you won’t regret fifty years down the line
>AITA for not wanting to get married despite my family’s pressure?
Didn’t need any of the content of the post. From the title it’s an immediate NTA
You need to be congratulated for having enough sense to plan instead of letting pressure control you. You definitely need a job you like. You need to decide where to live. You need to start a savings for future things. You are doing that so keep it up. It is hard to go against cultural beliefs so learn to say NO and stick to it. You are not TA.
I’ll preface this by saying I’m a white American, so I do not experience the cultural stress that you may face being Asian.
With that being said, you are unequivocally NTA because you should never make life altering decisions under the pressure of others. You don’t want to get married? Don’t do it. You don’t want kids? Don’t have them! (Side note: as a children’s therapist I feel ethically and morally obligated to say unless you 100% want kids, and can support them *no matter what*, do not have them!) Both of these decisions require involvement of someone else and not only is it not fair to them, but yourself as well.
It is not your fault your mother is by herself because you are not responsible for her decisions or those of others. If she’s feeling depressed, she can make the choice to work on that. You cannot make other people depressed and you cannot cure someone else’s depression. The lack of involvement by your father isn’t your responsibility and your mother’s decision to remain in your country of origin is also not your responsibility. If your extended family is so worried about your mother than they can support her as they live significantly closer in proximity.
You have to live your life the way in which you want to live it because you are the one that has to live it. No one else can do it for you. You have to live the highs and the lows, so it doesn’t make sense to allow anyone else to make decisions like that because ultimately you reap the consequences, good, bad, or indifferent.
So NTA. Getting married is not going to magically solve anyone’s problem. Sometimes, it creates more of them. However, I once again acknowledge that I cannot empathize with the cultural stress you may be experiencing and I have a bias toward being individualistic given the social norms of the country in which I was born and raised. I wish you luck and strength this holiday season as you manage all of the familial pressure!
Don’t get married just to saddle some poor woman with being your mother’s care giver. Put mom in a wonderful assisted living center. You’re going to need a better job. Good luck.
So your mum wants you to get married so she can move in with you and have your wife look after her? Is that right? I don’t come from your culture so maybe I don’t get it, but if you do decide to get married, please make sure your future wife knows this is what she’s signing up for.
Anyway, NTA. Only you get to make decisions about your life. Enjoy being young and having disposable income!
NTA they don’t want you to find a wife to share your life with, but a caretaker for your middle aged mother. you shall visit once a year and pay for your wife and future children.