Hello I’ve been struggling trying to decide what I should do about this.
The important people in this story is me (21m), my sister “Danielle” (28f), my friend/rommie “Junnie” (19f) and my dad (52m). all names are fake.
About a year ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He had surgery and we thought he was in the green again. That christmas he sat us down and told us he is going to die within the next year, two years if he’s lucky. A couple days ago, Danielle my dad and I had to plan his funeral. On the way home from the funeral my dad asked me if I could ask Junnie if she wants some of his ashes.
I can’t lie Junnie’s been here since day 1. Our friendship technically started because i called her sobbing when I found out my dad first had cancer. After she moved in she became somewhat close to my dad and she calls him dad.
This is where I might be the asshole. I don’t want her to have my dad’s ashes. She may have gotten close to my dad but she hasn’t even lived with us for a year. If anything it’s only been 6 months. I have double checked with my dad, he doesn’t care what happens to his ashes. He just wanted me to ask her in case she wanted some of his ashes
My dad is already planning to leave Junnie around 2k to at least help her get a car. (she doesn’t know this and i’m not mad about the 2k) I don’t know how to describe it other than maybe I’m being selfish about it. The thought that one day she’s gonna become a stranger but she’ll still have my dad’s ashes for the rest of time stresses me out.
I think what’s also making me so adamant on not wanting her to have any of his ashes is that I’m already not getting a lot of his ashes. Danielle is taking the bulk of his ashes, whereas i’m just getting enough to fill a small bracelet. I can’t imagine Danielle is going to want to give up her part of his ashes so I’ll have to give Junnie part of the very little part of my dad I’m already getting to begin with.
I’ve talked to both my mom and Danielle about this but I’m torn. They both don’t think I’m in the wrong but I need an outside opinion to help decide. I haven’t asked Junnie yet so technically I don’t even know if she wants anything but I’m scared she’ll say yes.
AITA for not wanting to give my friend my dad’s ashes.
Edit: I have talked to my dad, he said it’s up to me and my sister to ultimately decide. i asked him verbatim he’s okay if Junnie doesn’t get some of his ashes. He said that he’s okay with it and that it’s more important to him for me and Danielle to get them. I also forgot to add that his ashes won’t just be his ashes, they’ll also be mixed with my childhood dog. Being mixed together with the dog was his only request. Also the reason Danielle is taking the bigger piece is because she has a house so she actually has somewhere she can put him. I’m living in an apartment right now so I don’t have a permanent place like my sister.
NTA.
Honestly, it’d be weird if Junnie were to say yes in the first place.
I don’t think you even need to ask her. The $2k is a nice gift from your dad already and more appropriate.
NAH. I can understand your feelings and the complexity there, but I also think if your dad wanted to offer, you should make the offer, and the small amount should come from the full portion when it’s divided, not just taken from yours.
A dear friend of mine passed away, and his wife offered me some of his ashes. I don’t know how many people she offered, but I can appreciate what it takes to acknowledge that despite him being her most important person (and vice versa) her husband had a truly profound impact on many people, and his loss wasn’t only hers, even though hers was felt the greatest.
>I have double checked with my dad, he doesn’t care what happens to his ashes. He just wanted me to ask her in case she wanted some of his ashes
Sounds like he wants Junnie to have some of his ashes if she wants them. This is about THEIR relationship not your and Junnie’s relationship.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and hope your dad finds healing or at the very least comfort. Not to get your hopes up or anything but my brother was told he would be lucky to have 5 years and that was 8 years ago so I hope he gets however much time he wants/needs. You’re not wrong for feeling how you feel but it sounds like you’re dad wants people to be able to find peace with his death in whatever way they can.