I really need some neutral advice so that’s why I’m writing here. My sister is 33 years old, lives 2 hours away and currently moved back in with our parents because her job ends soon. Anyway, she wants to „start over“ and since I have a guest room, she wants to move in with me (28M). And it’s not like we don’t get along, we do pretty well, and she’s not messy or anything. But I am someone who needs his own space. I worked hard to get where I am and I’ll gladly help her find an apartment but I simply don’t want her to move in with me because that’ll just mess with my mental health and eventually I would feel like a stranger in my own home. To me it seems like she’s trying to take the easy way out instead of putting in the work to actually start over. I told her if you find a job and an apartment, and need a place in between that time for a few weeks or so, she can live with me. But simply moving in without having a job or an apartment contract, who knows how long she’d be staying here. I really want to be supportive but this is too much for me, I need my personal space, I purposely moved away from my family to have my own life and don’t want anyone disrupting that. But she think I’m being selfish because she would never say no to me. But we have different personalities, just because she doesn’t mind someone in her home doesn’t mean I feel the same. And now I’m stuck between wanting to help but not wanting to give up my own freedom and peace. Especially since my family is kinda homophobic and she doesn’t even know I’m gay so that’s even more reason I don’t want her living here (or even near me for that matter) because it feels like I’d be going back in time where i always had to be cautious about everything and feeling like I had to hide parts of me. Am I really being unreasonable here? Because I don’t think I am.
NTA. You like your space for you and that’s fine. I live in a 3-bedroom house all on my own and have desire to share it with anyone. Maybe, but still highly doubtful, if there were more than 1 bathroom, but even then, I’d have to be very selective in who I’d want in MY space.
Do you actually have a “guest room” or just another room that you use for an office, crafts, etc., that would be a hinderance on you to give it up?
You are allowed to put your needs ahead of your sister’s wants. It is your life! Those who cannot or will not accept this, or who would try to make you feel guilt “because family” can suck eggs.
NTA
NTA It is absolutely not your obligation to have her move in. If you are not comfortable with it, you can just tell her ” No, sorry this is not possible” You don’t need to explain or get into a back and forth. She is allowed to ask and you are allowed to say no
I don’t know enough about your family- Does she have a habit of being a freeloader?
Having her move in ‘ for a few weeks’ with no job no lease and no plan to leave seems like a recipe for disaster. I would not let anyone move in under those circumstances. I dont even like having unemployed roommates, they irritate me.
That said, I did once move onto my brothers couch for what became several months because I had an apartment that fell through. However, I had a job and I was gone most of the time. I also have good boundaries and I helped him fix up the house a lot. It made our relationship a whole lot better -we got a lot closer. It was kind of like a Sundance movie LOL . So this can work out unexpectedly well if people have boundaries, employment and respect. But it sounds like this is not the case here.
Stick to your guns : you earned your place and she is not your responsibility. You’ve worked hard to build your life and you deserve your privacy and freedom.
NTA She can stay with your parents. It’s not like she’s gonna be homeless or anything. You pay for your place and you decide who stay there. The ‘she would not say no’ part is irrelevant because you don’t even have any evidence on that.
nta your home, your choice. It’s not like she’s homeless, she can stay with your parents, even if it’s not her first choice.
NTA. Protect your peace. And I’m speaking as someone who *has* let my sister live with me, but I have a very different relationship with my sister than you do with yours and mine doesn’t disturb my peace. If i couldn’t have peace in my own home I’d lose my mind.
How can she say you are being selfish? You offered her temporary, interim housing and it wasn’t good enough. That’s clearly her being selfish. Just say “I love you sis, I offered a solution. If it’s not good enough for you, then that is about you, not me”. You are not stuck, you have the power to control what is mentally healthy in your life. If that doesn’t work for her, it’s a “her” problem.
Hell no NTA! Keep Free-Loading Felicia outta your space. She will take over like a fungus and you’ll never get her out of your house.
Hold your ground, she can stay with your parents. She made this mess she needs to fix it.
Just be clear that this doesn’t work for you and if you’re willing, that you can help her find something she can afford. You have just as much right to your life as she does. She needs to start over by standing on her own two feet. While that might be with a room mate, that doesn’t have to mean you.
NTA
Hell no, do not have her move in or you will be supporting her for years and lose what quality of life you have built for yourself.
NTA. Your space, your life, your creations, your personal boundaries.
She would move in and not leave. She would rat you out for being gay.
She is the selfish one making everything about herself.
NTA, don’t let her stay with you. This sounds like a setup for disaster. Also, I think you might want to reconsider even letting her staying even very short term unless you have her leave-by in writing.
NAH, and you might have gone too far by offering to let her stay with you for a few weeks. She may never leave if you allow that (short of you calling the cops or something) so be careful about that.
She’s not an arsehole for asking, but she should respect your response.