I’m a 39M, and I’ve been dating my girlfriend (41F) for about 4 months. We met on a cruise and have been in a long-distance relationship since then. She lives about 14 hours away. We care deeply about each other, and the relationship has been emotionally intense in a good way.
She lives with her 74M father, who has lived with her since 2016. He is retired, lives on Social Security, has bad credit, and is not on the lease. She has been very clear that he is not going anywhere. She also has a 21F daughter who stays with her part-time and with her ex-husband part-time, but who may need to live with her more consistently in the future.
I have lived alone for the past 8 years and really value independence and having my own space, especially at this stage of my life. My girlfriend would like me to relocate closer to her. If I moved, I would get my own apartment, not move in with her right away. However, I’m concerned that over time there would be pressure to merge households, which would likely mean living with her father long-term and potentially having her daughter living with us as well.
I’m also worried about imbalance. Her job, family, and living situation would stay the same, while I would be uprooting my life, moving far from my family, and rebuilding my routines. Another factor is that she has never lived alone, while I’ve been independent for many years, and I worry this difference in lifestyle would lead to resentment on my end.
I care about her and don’t want to hurt her, but I’m starting to feel anxious rather than excited when I think about relocating and the long-term implications.
AITA for not wanting to move closer and potentially end the relationship because I’m uncomfortable with a permanent multigenerational living situation and the imbalance of sacrifice involved?
NTA – Dating for four months is not long enough to uproot your life and relocate to another city. She isn’t ready to commit to you with all her other obligations right now, so what’s the point of living closer? Give the relationship time to grow or fizzle (at least a year) before making life-altering commitments.
If anything, save for another cruise together so you can enjoy each other’s company alone.
this, why are you moving so fast?
NAH. You don’t want to go, and knowing that, you shouldn’t. Your responsibility to her is to be honest that this won’t be happening. If she decides to end the relationship over it, then that is likely for the best. If she tries to guilt and manipulate you into changing your mind, then that would make her an asshole.
NTA – 4 months, already asking to move closer (and I bet help her in other ways…), while she’s got massive burdens? Yeah… I would look up what Admiral Ackbar might have to say about that.
NTA. 4 months is way too soon to be making life changing decisions. Revisit this after at least a year – if the relationship hasn’t petered out yet, you might feel differently about this and your path will be clearer to you.
It’s only been 4 months don’t let them rush you
Four months is not enough time to think that seriously about relocating. You need to give a time to see where the relationship is gonna go. You’re in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Things can change and you’re in a long-distance relationship and you truly don’t know her outside of what you’ve seen . I would seriously wait until you know her completely and if you feel that you’re independence is important. Don’t let people pressure you into moving in with them or moving closer to them unless you’re sure the relationship is solid and four months isn’t qualifying for that.
Not sure how to wrap my head around an “intense” relationship of only 4 months that is also long distance, let alone your relocation conflicts after so short a time.
She has a plethora of hangers-on that she has made clear will be with her forever without limits. You joining that household would be like joining a sit-com with you as the Straight Guy. The dad sounds like a lifetime of bad choices — and he could live another 20 years. The daughter who at 21 *already has an ex-husband* whom she still lives with part time– coming home to mom when they fight, I presume? Does the daughter have a job? How long before she gets pregnant (to save the relationship, naturally) to add yet another member of the family living there needing care and sustenance. I don’t suppose either of these adults pay their way?
Where exactly does Girlfriend see you fitting into her household?
If you want to see this woman, keep it long distance and keep it to cruises together. But don’t uproot yourself unless you are certain you want to embrace the sitcom lifestyle for yourself.
NTA
It’s too soon
Nta, i have ketchup in my fridge that is older than your relationship.
Aren’t you old enough to know that disrupting your own household and established employment after only 4 months is foolish. Perhaps you’re clinging to a nice holiday romance. You actually have no idea how this is going to be long term, particularly as you’re maintaining a LDR which in my mind is a waste of time. If you can’t hold the one you love, there’s not much point is there? I see nothing good for you in this present situation
My advice is enjoy the nice memories and get on with your own life, including finding someone to love and hold in person.
1) 4 months is not enough time for something like moving closer. Take an extended stay at her house first, but have a hotel on standby
2) the resentment is SURE TO HAPPEN! Your relationship will never be put first, your comfort will never be first. You have to not only compromise with your partner but her entire family, you will have no where to go if you move in with her.
3) why is she so eager to have you move after a short time? why is she so hurt you don’t want to live with eleventeen other people?
Four months is way too short of a time to be considering moving for someone. Your concerns are valid and are an indication that you already know this isn’t a good idea for you. It’s great you met someone and enjoy your connection with them, but remain realistic and move forward with caution. NTA.
4 months? I have produce in my fridge older than your relationship and yall are ready to move 14 hours to be with this person?? Maybe cool your jets and rethink the situation