EDIT: Thank you guys for your input. I didn’t think it would happen this fast.
Most people are worried about my situation more than me being the asshole, which I also appreciate, in a way.
Thank you for all the advice. I will (try to) be strong enough and put boundaries. Also approach the subject of animal hoarding. My family are not bad people, but maybe they are taking advantage of me, and I’m also letting them take advantage. I have in the past been accused of being academically smart but easily emotionally taken advantage of.
Some clarifications:
\- In my country, there are no public animal rescues, and very few private rescues, most of them incredibly overwhelmed. Taking the kitten to a rescue was not an option.
\- The kitten will be rehomed once he is a healthy weight and spayed.
There are different types of people, and I am among those that loves their animals and also worry about them a lot. I know some humans have no problems not worrying, but I am not among them. This is unhealthy for me in this degree, for sure. Some have suggested therapy, and I will also look into that. This also did not happen to me while in practice, I could trust my patient’s families and also help my patients when they came to see us, and that put me at ease. I think also because they are my own pets, I worry extra, knowing many things can go wrong.
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I (28F) am a veterinarian, currently not working in any clinic because I take care of my families’ pets. We have 12+ big rescue dogs, and now 6 rescue cats.
I have talked to my family about not bringing any new animals. I cannot care for them alone, and I would also like to have a job and get paid and out of the house some day. I cannot possibly wait for them all to pass (which is a horrible thought because I love them) to have a life.
I do not get paid for staying at home, although I also don’t pay rent, groceries, internet or cellphone plan, so you could consider that my payment. My family have bought me some vet equipments that are pricey, which I really appreciate and also feel indebted for. I don’t have money of my own though, and have to ask for money (very humiliating) whenever I need to buy anything for myself. This results in me buying things very last minute or not buying them at all. I have been using expired deodorant for months now to not use the little money I am given to buy that. They give money when I ask without problem, that is true, however I cannot deal with the humiliation.
Two weeks ago, my father brings home a tiny malnourished kitten a saturday morning. He wakes me up very early for this. I tell him to take the kitten to our trusted friend vet clinic, where they can quarantine him and do rapid tests. I also refuse to even look at the kitten. I don’t want any more animals. I don’t want to delay my life like this. I love animals and I cannot care for them like this nor do I think this is sustainable.
I could not deal with this situation. Cats live 20+ years sometimes. I could not spend another 20 years here. I went to my room, cried a lot, left the house the whole rest of the day, drove around. I couldn’t bear to listen to the kitten’s cries.
The day after, I could face the kitten normally. I met him, I absolutely fell in love, he is very sweet, was very thin and hungry. He is now fine and on the road to becoming very strong and big.
I still feel like my reaction was justified. I do most of the work while my family is away at work: clean poop, pee, give meds, worry, manage tempers and play times. I am at my limit and don’t have breaks, not even on weekends, and this has been going on for years.
I never wanted to be a stay at home mom or alike. Since very little, I only ever wanted to be a vet. Now my life is stuck like this. I can’t really help even my own pets because my family does not believe the things I say, so they end up going to another vet (the friend vet clinic). I am a glorified nanny or nurse.
However I am starting to feel guilty for that reaction I had to the kitten, thinking about myself first and not about the malnourished poor animal that needed help. The kitten was fine, and I’d like to think my reaction happened because I knew he was in good hands and would not have suffered because I did not help that first day.
I need external, objective input: AITA? Or was I not the asshole?
INFO: why are you stuck in this situation? You have a degree? Go practice veterinary medicine!
This is bizarre. Why do you choose this life for yourself?
How does your family have so many pets? Do they live on a farm, and if so, wouldnt the farm employees be responsible for all these pets? And if you are the full time animal caretaker on the farm, why are you not being paid beyond room and board?
If you can leave the animals and drive around for a day, why can’t you leave the animals to go to work?
Does deodorant actually expire? You’ve been using the same expired deodorant for months? Wouldn’t it have ran out a long time ago?
So many questions as this just doesn’t make sense on the surface.
Are you sure you are a qualified vet? This is insane. Go and get a job. Maybe start by finding a women’s refuge to live in for a few weeks while you job hunt.
NTA – Are you living with your parents? What if you just got a job and moved out? Why are you pausing your life because your family keeps rescuing animals? I have so many questions, but definitely NTA.
Why are you not working though, what’s blocking you?
INFO: Do you actually have a degree/licensure to be a vet? How has this situation even come about?
Time to get a vet job and move out.
Plenty of vets have their own pets, so you are not sentenced to another 20 years at home because of the kitten. Please talk to your family and explain that you are going back to work (not that you would like to, that you are), so they will have to share responsibility with you for the animal care. I also think it might be worth you talking to a therapist. You sound very worn down, and whether they actively mean to be or not your family sounds quite controlling. I think it would help to talk to someone about how to put yourself first, set boundaries and build some self esteem. All said with care, not judgement.
Gently, you need to move out.
You are employable and very capable of earning a living and supporting yourself.
Start interviewing. Send out those resumes. Send them out not just in the town where you live but in cities close by. You may have to relocate. Your parents are animal hoarders. They are going to keep hoarding animals. You are not going to fix them. Get a job and move out. They will have to figure out another solution for their animals.
If you choose to stay there, you are going to be stuck living exactly like you are now. It’s up to you.
NTA – however. You are 28 years old. You made it through a very grueling school program to become a vet.
GO BE A VET. It’s a tough field to achieve that degree, there have to be job openings available, start interviewing and find yourself a job. Your family is taking advantage of you, but you can change that. All that hard work to achieve your dream, don’t give up on it. You have to stand up for yourself.
Caring for pets at home doesn’t need to be a full time job, but with 12+ dogs, I can imagine it’s an ordeal. But you can go get yourself a job, and then everyone in the family can contribute to the cost of hiring someone to come in and deal with the dogs. And if they won’t do that, you have to just leave. It’s hard, but they’re preventing you from having a life, a career, and doing what you want.
NTA
There’s a fine line between being helpful to homeless animals, and becoming an animal hoarder. Your family has the hoarder gene. You seem to have some common sense.
Please go be a veterinarian, somewhere, anywhere. Let your family deal with the animals that are in the house if they brought them in.
I have my doubts this is for real as I can not believe OP made it through an undergraduate program and veterinary school, yet can not think logically.
I think this should be less of an “AITA” post and more of a “how do I get out of a borderline abusive family situation”. You have a total of 18+ animals living in your families home, that you are solely responsible for caring for? Does your family have land or own a farm? And what makes them unable to care for the animals themselves? Plenty of animals are left alone for 8+ hours a day, and don’t need monitoring 24/7 especially when they have other companions. I’m sure them being rescues lead to other challenges but there has to be other options for pets that need constant monitoring. (Doggy daycare, pet sanctuaries, anything besides keeping you trapped here by abusing your own morals???)
My honest advice would be to toughen up (as kindly as possible I promise). Find a job and tell them you’ll no longer be able to help care for the animals 24/7 and they’ll have to make other arrangements. Give them a timeline, pay rent if they want you too until you can find a place of your own, and work on bettering your life. Easier said than done, but please.
So you have *no* employment record, *nothing* to prove you don’t owe taxes, *no* pension plan or healthcare or employment benefits?
You’re 28. What happens when whoever is buying the equipment/ covering your living costs/ giving you occasional pocket money dies/stops doing so? What if you have a major disagreement? You have *no* reference, *nothing* to prove what you’ve done, *no* savings to move on or out, *no* job security, and *no* protection if circumstances change.
Please, *please*, PLEASE at least apply to local vet clinics, or distant live-in clinic jobs further away. Without an employment history, you can’t build up credit. Without that, you will never rent, buy a car, have a normal life independent of your family. I don’t care if they are the most loving family on the planet, it’s not a healthy dynamic for a 28yr old woman to be so controlled and totally reliant on the whims of that family.
If you ever get out of the house to actually meet someone, will they expect to control your partner too? If your family doesn’t approve of your partner, will they threaten to make you homeless and jobless?
OP, maybe your family won’t do any of this. Maybe they are wonderful. But, frankly, wtf did you go through all the years of getting a vet degree *for*? To work unpaid, available 24/7, forced to ask for handouts to buy basic toiletries and sanitary products?
Your action with the kitten is irrelevant. NTA on that, FWIW. Far more important is that you need to not waste any more years outside the legally recognised/taxed/pensionable workforce OR get a legally-enforceable employment contract (with salary and benefits) from your family.