Ok so i (21) have an older brother (27) and younger sister(19), all of us are adopted. We do not share birth parents and have different circumstances, my brother who we will call Shane was adopted as a child, he was young but i know he was old enough to remember his birth family and they lost him due to abusive circumstances, my sister who we will call Sally and i were adopted at birth.
So here’s the issue, i love my family, my adoptive parents are my parents and they are amazing! We were raised very privileged. My parents were always open about us being adopted and never kept my sister or i from finding our birth parents.
My birth mother has tried to get into contact with me and i am not interested at all, but that’s a separate matter. Sally though has gotten in contact with her birth family and it’s kinda a mess, they are not good people and it’s obvious to everyone but her that every time they call her they are asking for something, usually money.
You wanna talk to your birth family? Fine but she’s treating our parents badly now, saying adoption is trauma and that they stole her and all this BS, she also lives in their house btw! And she had been pressuring both Shane and i to contact our birth families. I think she’s a tone deff moron to even suggest this.
My parents think the internet and college is influencing her and she’ll snap out of it, but i know they are deeply concerned about her involvement with her birth family and don’t want to push her away but i feel like they are coddling her because of that and it’s not fair to Shane and I. It’s the whole the squeaky wheel gets the grease type of thing.
I’m PISSED, because one my adoptive situation is fully up to me and im sick of justifying myself, Shane’s situation should not be questioned.
So here’s where i may be TAH, I’m refusing to go to Christmas if Sally is there, again she lives with them, and i suggested Sally either goes to her beloved birth family or we celebrate somewhere else, she’s a nightmare and i will not spend my favorite holiday with her. If adoption is so abusive then go be with your blood right?
Shane is fully on board with me, he and i are very close and he’s the best big brother i could ask for, I’ll admit we’ve all been spoiled by our parents and my sister and i can be bratty but Shane has never been a problem, he’s very passive and i find myself wanting to be a brat on his behalf because he will not stand up for himself.
My parents are upset, not attacking me or anything, it’s all very gentle and mild as usual but they want to keep the peace, they are ok with Sally being mean to them, they try and correct her about Shane but it’s all too soft for me. I don’t want her there, and i love them but i feel like they are lighting themselves, Shane and i on fire just to keep Sally warm. I hate seeing them sad and i know it’s causing my mother especially so much stress because she doesn’t want to choose but i think she has to.
AITA for giving an ultimatum?
NTA! You are allowed to have a boundary. I wouldn’t want to be around a sibling that is pressuring me and is abusive to my parents
I think in this situation it would be sad for your amazing parents who love you & raised you to be punished because of your sister’s actions and attitude so if you and your brother boycott christmas – they’re the ones who get really hurt because they love all of you and are probably desperately afraid of losing your sister even if shes TA right now. This is tricky. Talk with your parents. Don’t base life on your sister.
I think you’re NTA overall, but I would caution you about refusing to go to Christmas with your parents. If you’re trying to protect them from your sister’s behavior, not showing up to Christmas isn’t protecting them, it’ll feel rejecting to them. They are trying to walk a tightrope here, not wanting to take a false step with Sally for fear she’ll bail entirely. I think you ought to go home for Christmas, set some ground rules with Sally about what you will and will not discuss, and try to spend quality time with Shane and with your parents on other days during the holiday. Good luck!!
I love my parents but Shane’s the one i don’t want around my sister, his reasons for adoption were much more traumatic then sally and mine. Im annoyed at them for allowing her to push him on it.
I am not closely associated with adoption in anyway so I don’t feel I can give exact advice on this.
I just don’t think it’s fair to ask your parents to pick a child or two children. How about a compromise and say let’s all try and get along for the holidays and get everyone to agree that it’s not the time or place to discuss anyone’s potential reaching out to birth families and just enjoy your time with your adoptive family (who is sounds as your true fam).
But your sis isn’t going to listen to you, plz ask your parents to have a conversation with her to put this all on pause at least until after the holidays and let her know that you n bros situation is completely different than hers and NO ONE should be pressured to talk to or not talk to your birth family.
Unfortunately we have all tried talking to her, that’s why it’s gotten to this point.
Why not just have one big confrontation with her? Get it all out in the open.
We’ve tried
That sucks I feel sorry for your parents and you and your brother. Maybe you and your brother can have a Christmas lunch with them at your house without her.
That’s a good idea!
Gentle NTA – you have every right to decide how you want to spend your holiday and set boundaries for yourself. And I’m not saying I disagree with your reasoning or decision. I do think though that your parents are in a really tough spot. They don’t want to push Sally away, she is their daughter they’ve raised since birth and they love her. Even when she treats them poorly, they still love her. I hope one day Sally can see how her biological family treats her, and who has actually been there for her. In the meantime, take care of yourself, your brother, and your parents.
Do not punish your parents by missing Christmas with them or forcing them to reject one of their daughters. I understand it must be frustrating, but you don’t get to decide this for your parents. Good luck and be strong— better Christmases will come if you don’t blow up your family.
Don’t punish your parents.
NTA, your sister’s being ungrateful as hell while literally living under their roof and making everyone miserable
Honestly sounds like she’s just parroting whatever she’s reading online about adoption trauma without any self-awareness about her actual situation