edited to be clear
This started soon after my brother married Ruby. At the time everyone seemed to really like her and my older sister and I were part of her bridal party. Her wedding was around 5 years ago.
Soon they were talking about trying to kids and they were stuggling with infertility issues. Ruby was quite upset but it got a lot worst when my older sister ( she was 26 at the time) got pregnant.
Ruby was snappish and mean to my oldest sister and people tried to be very mindful since she was struggling. When the baby was born Rudy didn’t send anything.
I got pregnant my senior year of college, it was an oops baby and I only told my mom because I was unsure what to do. I was a heavy drinker at family events and when I wasn’t drinking, my grandma joked I must be pregnant and my face gave it away. That is how it came out, I didnt plan to tell the family like that.
Ruby ( in short) lost her shit at me. She yelled at me about how I don’t deserve a kid and called me a lot of names. My mom tried to make her stop but she yelled at her also, and told my mom she deserved the still birth she had. The whole thing was horrible.
When I gave birth and I posted pictures online, she made a post saying some people don’t deserve kids. She has not apologized.
The issue, Ruby is pregnant and she is having her baby shower. All the women in the family got an invite. I talked to my mom about it and decided not to go. My mom is also not going and everyone seems to be following my lead on this.
We all RSVPed no and my brother called me asking me to come. I told him no and it started an argument. He says his wife has been crying about being hated by the family and want everyone to make up. I told him that isn’t my problem and this is her fault.
He wants me to suck it up and come still and has texted me multiple times about it.
I know if I don’t go no one else will especially since my mother hates Ruby after that argument
edit: becuase people asked, no we probably won’t have a relationship with the baby If nothing changes. I already don’t allow my kid near her, I have a strict if you are dick to me you don’t have access to my kids ( sister has the same)
Mom probably will not be a grandparent to the child either, she will not put up with someone she hates to have access to a kid ( she is not that type of person)
She told your mom she deserved a stillbirth and said you didn’t deserve your child. She can cry about family support all she wants, but you don’t owe her your presence.
EDITED: NTA
Certainly not without a sincere apology-in person or over the phone, not via text or through the brother. And not a group apology-this situation requires that each person gets an individual apology. NTA
Even the most sincerest apology cannot fix this. Ruby is a narcissist finally showing her colors and she will do this again. I saw it in my ex DIL, sweet and loving one minute then the devil within jumps out. Narcs think they are entitled to everything and everyone else is against them. Stay away from her!
Edit Thank you kind stranger for the award!
An apology can fix it, but it’s not a one and done thing. You don’t go “sorry now give me presents”. It would be “sorry, I understand and I hope one day we can be family again”. Then live by that apology
Apologizing is the start, atonement is the ongoing process. And I do think a long road of humility and positive actions can eventually offset horrific words.
But the fact she hasn’t apologized for anything indicates she doesn’t have the ability/desire to self-reflect which is an important part of atonement.
NTA what did your brother get for you and your sister when your babies were born? He doesn’t get a free pass because of his gender. His wife treated both of you awfully, and never apologized or made amends.
My brother congratulated us in private. It was really clear this was only form him becuase she was making remarks in person ( before oldest sister birth) and online ( with me)
Well when his child is born you can offer them a congratulations also. You don’t have to go to the shower to fawn over her & her pregnancy.
Your brother wants everyone to “make up” but where’s the apology? Where’s the accountability? You don’t get reconciliation without repair.
I think she nuked that bridge- even if she apologizes no one wants to be around her
She ripped that bridge off it’s abutments and threw it in a black hole
NTA… she’s got more problems than infertility. A baby is not a quick fix for a shitty person. I dealt with infertility for 10 years and never made it someone else’s problem. People who do that are self-absorbed ahs and a baby doesn’t magically make that go away. Good for you and your family.
> told my mom she deserved the still birth she had
Oh yeah, there’s no coming back from that. SIL can’t say shit like that and then expect everything to be hunky dory now that she’s getting her own kid. NTA
NTA. The time for sucking it up is over. If your SIL wants to not be hated by the rest of the family, then she needs to start by acknowledging that she has been hateful towards them, and she needs to apologise – individually – to everyone that she has acted badly towards.
She can start by apologising to your mom, for saying that she deserved the death of her baby (her own husband’s sibling!).
And then she can apologise to you and your sister, for saying that you didn’t deserve children.
And then she can work her way through the rest of your family, because I’ve no doubt she’s said horrible thing to others, too.
And then she and your brother need to accept that remorse and forgiveness isn’t a magic wand that fixes everything instantaneously, but a process of patiently rebuilding broken trust. And that reconciliation may not come in time to save her baby shower, because life isn’t perfect like the movies – and that is the natural consequence of her own prolonged hostility and not anyone else’s fault.