I (21) have a lot of conflict with my mom (45F) despite living with her, but I continue to do so because it’s a better alternative to moving out and paying twice or three times as much in rent. Most recently, our conflict is about hair, specifically my hair.
My hair is in a specific style, I basically cut half of it off on one side and have kept it at a very short length for about three years now. I’m happy with it, everyone at my job loves my hair and people think it looks cool and very like me.
Recently, my mom has started freaking out about my hair. She says I’ll never get a job (1. I already have a job I don’t plan on quitting anytime soon and 2. I actually have two jobs and one keeps asking for me back every year because I’m *good at it*, not because of my hair) and that it just doesn’t look good. She wants me to grow it back out just so I can get a new job and then I can cut it again once I "prove myself" at a new job.
I pretty much told her exactly this: "I’m not growing my fucking hair out when I’ve been maintaining the same style for three years now, and it makes me happy. I’ll go to a professional if you want (I cut it myself bc it’s cheaper), but I’m not growing it out, so shut up about it.". And that got her all pissed off and she called me ungrateful and a bitch for talking back to her, and how she only cares about my future.
I feel a little bad, because I know she cares about me, but I don’t see why she can’t understand that hair doesn’t really matter.
NTA. Your hair doesn’t determine whether you keep a job or not and by holding two jobs simultaneously, you’ve more than disproven her point. She’s just being delusional with her personal preferences.
You appearance CAN hinder job progression though. What an employer is OK with from a entry level job might not match what they are looking for in a more senior position. It sucks that people sometimes subconsciously put people into categories based on their appearance. Later they say things like they feel like a leader or they are missing senior role qualities.
I am not saying this haircut does or doesn’t fit into this category.
NTA at all. It’s your hair. Also I have worked at fancy think tanks with contracts with the federal government with purple hair and an undercut; it’s a pretty different world unless you’re trying to break into a super conservative field like banking.
NTA for the sentiments, but YTA for how you said it. You could have said “Mom, I already *have* a job and one I’m really good at, and my second job calls me back every year because I’m good at it. Nobody cares how I wear my hair. They only care about me getting the work done and done right.”
I get being frustrated with her if this is a recurring thing with her, but if you speak and act like the professional you are, what you say will be taken more seriously than if you throw f bombs around.
If she persists, you could placate her with “Look Mom, I’ve already stated that my job…neither of them actually…doesn’t care how I wear my hair so I’m keeping it as is. If however it ever becomes an issue *with them* I’ll consider changing it. “
As an alternative viewpoint, could it be that your mom just doesn’t like/approve of your style and is posing her dislike of it into supposed concern for your job? Just something to consider.
Mom is definitely trying to mask her opinion as some sort of professional mandate.
NTA but try not to swear at your mom when your disagreeing. She’s giving you a great deal on rent. It also sounds like she did a good or good enough job of raising you. You are self-confident, independent and responsible, most likely at least partly due to her. Good luck
NTA
People with weak arguments or insecurity will always hide their personal opinion behind alleged “facts”, “what everyone says/thinks” or some other external factors. Do your thing your way. You’re not here to live out your mothers dream but your own.
Man this sounds like my mom. My parents are stuck in the old ways of latino culture. If I dont look, dress or act a certain way it was “ruining my future”. When I turned 18 I got a tattoo, they freaked out and said I was in a gang, no one would hire me, no guy would marry me, I was mentally unstable, etc. My tattoo is a nod to Supernatural and its on my hip. The ONLY way anyone would see it is if they got me naked 🙄
Since I went NC with my abusers other family have told them about the things ive done. All hell broke loose when someone told them I had “tattooed my face white” (i have a Vitiligo eye patch that appeared in my 20s and in less than a month spread to my entire eye). I heard from family that I had “ruined my face and no one would want to marry me” 🙄
What I’ve always said to everyone is “its my body, if you dont like it dont look at me”
Definitely NTA. Your head, your choice.
NTA! You are an adult and should wear your hair the way you want to. Just because you live with your mom doesn’t give her the right to harass you about your personal choices. You need to tell her to back off.
NTA. But next time remember that you can just say “no,” move on, and it’s no longer a suitable topic for discussion. Leave the room, change the subject, whatever.
NTA – you’re an adult, it’s your hair. It’s obviously not affecting you negatively. She’s just being controlling.
And caring people do not call you ungrateful and a bitch.
this sounds like she has a bigger problem with your current job than with your hair though.
NTA, obviously, you are an adult, she doesn’t get to control your hairstyle. that “shut up” was rude, but she was pushy, so as long as you apologise for that, i don’t see any fault on your side.
I’m a lawyer who, up until a year ago, rocked pink and purple hair with an undercut.
NTA.