**Edit: I have put exceptions in the do not disturb mode. I will sit down with my wife later today to talk about what to NOT call me for. We’ll be fine. 🙂 Thanks Reddit.**
I prefer to keep my phone on silent. It’s on “do not disturb,” mostly and does not vibrate. I still check it regularly and I’m reachable, just not instantly. I work online and check my phone way too much already.
Today my wife was shopping for her business. She hurried out and forgot her personal phone. She called me. I missed the call and called back \~10 minutes later.
This situation came up years ago with my older brother, who felt it was disrespectful and irresponsible. We disagreed and moved on. But I was also bad at answering texts back then. That has changed. They mostly just wanted an answer in a ‘acceptable timeframe’, haha.
Now it’s come up again with my wife. She wants my phone on sound or vibrate in case of emergencies, and says it’s stressful for her knowing she might not reach me immediately.
From my perspective, being constantly interruptible makes me anxious and distracted, and I don’t think being instantly reachable at all times is a reasonable expectation.
I told my brother and wife that I don’t feel like I should be on call 24/7 because of modern technology. It’s my choice to be more at peace, not anxious about the phone.
But now: it turns in to a situation where I get anxious when my wife leaves the house? What if she calls? What if I miss it?
It’s an unhealthy situation and I wonder if I’m being too stubborn? If there was a medical emergency, you shouldn’t call me but you should call an ambulance. Right?
She feels I’m being stubborn and dismissive. I feel like I’m setting a reasonable boundary.
AITA? Am I missing something obvious here??
YTA
I understand leaving your phone on DND for most people but i can think of no good reason to leave it on DND for your wife.
>I don’t feel like I should be on call 24/7 because of modern technology. It’s my choice to be more at peace, not anxious about the phone.
You have a spouse. You need to be available in case of emergency. That’s just not negotiable. You don’t have to be available to all the world at all times but the people to whom you should be always really available are your spouse and (if you have them) your kid(s).
>if there was a medical emergency, you shouldn’t call me but you should call an ambulance
I simply cannot imagine saying this about my own wife.
You’re being selfish. It is **easy** to set up DND on your phone so that specific contacts bypass it. My wife and siblings are the only people who can bypass mine. If/when we get her a phone when she’s old enough, my daughter will also be added.
As it is now, the message you are currently sending your wife is “Even in the event of your emergency, I will only be available to you at *my convenience*.” You’re prioritizing your personal comfort over your wife’s potential to need you in an emergency.
Does he not know that emergency responders also call family? When I passed out in front of a bus, the girl helping me called emergency services first and then she had me unlock my phone for my emergency contact and she called right on the spot to say “hey I’m here with (name), medical emergency happened, we called an ambulance” etc.
And then the EMT did the same thing to relay what hospital I was going to.
YTA – imagine missing the call that your wife was seriously injured in an accident all because you leave your phone on silent all the time. You can set up ringtones for each person so you know who is calling…
You can set up people as exceptions to your DND. You have a spouse and need to be reachable. You’re literally her emergency contact.
YTA
In this specific situation, she forgot her personal phone, so I assume she was calling from a different number than usual, and this wouldn’t work.
It can be set up that when there is more than 1 call in a certain timerframe from the same number, it will then go through.
YTA.
I keep mine on DND but have husband and kids on emergency bypass. I get it. Interruptions are annoying, but there are some people who deserve to have access to us instantly.
YTA-your phone has settings that allow specific people to be able to reach you even when on do not disturb or silent.
My brother in law does this, he got really pissy at everybody when we had to tell him his uncle had passed away and he kept asking why nobody called him.
They did, many many many unanswered calls, texts, voice messages before the death happened and he ignored and missed all of them.
You’re choosing to cut yourself off in an event of emergency basically, not just communication.
Why can’t your wife’s number be programmed to push through? We have the technology.
I get not wanting to be constantly interrupted – my phone is on vibrate at all times, no sound – but it’s not hard to set it up so it vibrates for calls and nothing else. She has a very valid concern. I was going to say N-A-H, but then I saw your comment that she should call an ambulance and not you. You really don’t want to be informed if your wife has a medical emergency? YTA
YTA It’s fine that you want your phone on silent, but your wife should be able to reach you in an emergency. I always have my phone on silent, but I have an Apple Watch that vibrates when I get a call. I can decide if it’s important or not and whether to take it. He’ll, you could get a burner phone that you have just for emergencies so your wife can text if it’s not important, or call if it’s important.
YTA
I N F O: Are you aware you can let certain contacts through even on DND mode? This would let that specific contact through with a notification while leaving the rest muted. IMO you should have already added your wife to that list for emergencies.
Not all emergencies are life and death. Sometimes, we need our person to ground us in an intense moment, moment of vulnerability, or panic. Your wife likely feels like she cannot count on you in a moment of distress. Her sharing that anxiety with you, now has you anxious about missing calls and texts from her. You’re upset feeling the distress that your wife has been feeling on a regular basis, for how many years?
EDIT: added YTA instead of INFO based on responses to my and other comments.
YTA. Make it so your wife can reach you in the event of an emergency.