I’m 51M, living in India. Around one and a half years ago, I paid a bribe to get my son a work permit and a small job in Canada. It helped him get a foothold there, and now he’s studying business and doing well. At the time, I thought it was necessary to secure his future.
Since then, I’ve seen the error of my ways. I realised the importance of being honest and setting the right example. I’ve been going to the temple almost every day, trying to live by dharmic principles. My daughter, 17F, knows about my change of mindset.
Recently, she expressed interest in joining a prestigious engineering extracurricular programme that would look great on her university applications. I tried to sign her up but the problem is, participation is essentially impossible without a “donation” that everyone treats as a bribe, especially if you are not related to the organisers or the child of a top university lecturer or company executive. She wants to study abroad, and this would give her an edge. She is very talented in mathematics and computer science and essentially knows university level things in them already.
I told her I will not pay. I explained that I won’t compromise my principles just to get her an advantage, and that she needs to succeed through merit. I also reminded her that I paid the bribe for her brother because I hadn’t understood the consequences at the time, but now things are different.
She cried and pleaded, saying that this is unfair because everyone else gets in that way, and that I’m being unnecessarily strict. She feels like I’m punishing her even though she’s done nothing wrong. I told her life isn’t always fair and integrity matters more than short-term gain.
So, AITA for refusing to pay a bribe for my daughter’s extracurricular opportunity even though it would help her because I now believe in doing things the right way?
YTA. If you did it for your brother you should do it for her. Especially since in India she faces a lot more challenges than he would, and it’s even a ‘donation’ so you can tell yourself it’s not a bribe to help reassure your conscience.
YTA
It’s not about your morals, it’s about valuing women less.
You wanted to help your son.
You don’t want to help your daughter.
Just own it and tell her the truth so she knows how much you don’t really give a shit…
YTA sexist
Most the dads I know in India would do anything or pay anything to help their daughters get out because it’s unsafe where they live. Not sure why you would do what you can to prevent her from leaving. I hope you live in a safe area where women aren’t raped or attacked for existing.
YTA. You’re favouring one kid over the other.
Just a coincidence its your son over your daughter is it?
You want her to earn her way on “merit” but the system is not built to recognize or reward that. So, she’s in an impossible situation in which she can’t achieve because it’s not merit-based. You can’t change that system so you’re actually disadvantaging her by expecting her to overcome the corruption with merit. YTA.
In America we call it “The Cost of Doing Business.”
Also the way you’ve described this, it isn’t short term gain. It’s a long term investment.
INFO: You talk about consequences from your previous choices. What consequences? Cause I’m not seeing them.
YTA. Just give your daughter the money and let her decide how she wants to use it. But you’re definitely the asshole because you’re willing to pay to help your son’s future but not your daughter. So just give your daughter the money for her up choose her own future.
Yeah it sounds like your daughter isn’t worth it in your mind. That makes you not just an asshole but a misogynistic prick.
Honestly, Yta. The way things work in India is that you have to bribe people to get things done. It isn’t a matter of your principles, as much as it is just the way the system works. Which leaves you with the question, are you willing to work with the system you have to help your daughter, or are you choosing to restrict her opportunities for sake of a system you have already said offends your morals.
And also reminding your daughter of the fact that you bribed someone for your son but won’t for her is just cruel.
YTA. For maximum justice, let your son make the donation on her/your behalf
YTA. Your daughter sounds talented and hard working. Giving this donation simply gets her on a level playing field with other applicants. It does not advantage her or erase her accomplishments to date.
You’re being a Sexist YTA. Happy to do it for her brother but you’ve seen the “errors of your ways” so you don’t have to do it for your daughter. Hinder her advancement even though she’s talented and bribery is a way of life in India.
Yes, you are a sexist pig who suddenly found morals to deny your daughter an education.