Background: I wanted to get a masters degree and find a job here in the United States after marrying my husband who was a United States citizen, and I left my then 2-3 year old daughter with my parents in China, who had shared her from my old husband (my daughters father) and his parents. She was raised by them until she was 6, as that’s her age when I went back to take her and my parents here to the United States. My old husband and his parents objected but she wanted to go with me, and of course they can’t force her to stay.
I didn’t allow her to go back ever since because she had not gotten her citizenship, and when she finally did years later in 2019, Covid hit. China had very strict policies about flying there and airline fees were insane.
In December of 2022, (my daughter just turned 14) her grandpa from her dad’s side fell ill with stage 3 gastric cancer. She was desperate to go back, but airline fees were still insane (due to Covid restrictions) by the time summer came and she could go back.
I told her it’s not smart, and how my grandma who also helped raise me died at home when I was 28 and I also didn’t get to visit her or attend the funeral. I also told her her grandpa on her dad’s side is a good person (because he is) and it’s sad he got sick.
Her dad pays child support but he’s a citizen in China and doesn’t take care of needs/food like I do, so I told her that if she uses a penny from her bank account to pay for the ticket, I will never be providing anything for her again. She argued with me and said that I told her that she would be able to visit her grandparents in the summer (when she was 6) but I never allowed her to, which is true but I still wanted her dad to be the one to pay for her airline fee. He agreed to fully pay but she couldn’t find one within her budget, 2,000-3000 dollars so she wanted to wait until December as that’s when her school closes for Christmas break.
By September of that year (2023), her grandpa was dead. I do not feel guilt, I told her I’d be willing to drive to the airport but she didn’t purchase the ticket in due time. I am writing this because she keeps bringing this up when we argue, am I really TA?
>Her dad pays child support but he’s a citizen in China and doesn’t take care of needs/food like I do, so I told her that if she uses a penny from her bank account to pay for the ticket, I will never be providing anything for her again.
YTA.
This is illegal.
YTA She was 14. Don’t use your children as pawns in your family trauma.
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>I told her that if she uses a penny from her bank account to pay for the ticket, I will never be providing anything for her again.
YTA for this alone. 1000x’s over.
YTA. Enjoy these last few years with your daughter, cause she’ll cut you off as soon as she can.
I don’t see the reason you wouldn’t let her use her own money? There’s a big disconnect in your story. What made you say that?
YTA, you moved to another country, left your daughter behind to be raised by her grandparents, then when she moved with you you refused to let her return to see the people who raised her. You say it was because she didn’t have her citizenship, are you implying she was in the country illegally?
Then when her grandfather got sick, not only did you not let her go back, you blackmailed her by saying if she does go back to see the person who raised her for three years, you would never provide for her, your 14 year old daughter, again.
And to top it off you don’t feel guilty, so what is the point of posting here if you don’t care.
Massive YTA. Someone very important to her just died and you denied her the chance to say goodbye. Some that, by the way, raised her when you chose not to.
Is this a joke? If this is real, of course you’re massively YTA and I can’t imagine how’d you’d think otherwise for a second. You couldn’t go more than two sentences without doing something abusive to either your daughter or your ex-husband, and wrapped it up with a statement of zero regret.
YTA… sounds like you purposely kept her away from what would be her last time to see her grandfather. Im speechless….
YTA and choosing your new husband over your kid. disgusting, you also obviously didn’t like when you missed out on saying goodbye to your grandma and now you are doing the same thing to your kid (that you already abandoned for 6 years anyway)
YTA. You emotionally bullied and threatened your child. You kept making ultimatums and inserting obstacles when you could’ve been supportive. Even if it was too expensive for her to go and all you did was look at ticket prices with her and console her when it couldn’t be done, or set up video calls as much as possible.
You made promises you never intended to keep re: her visiting China.
All you’ve done is create resentment and regrets in your 14 year old.
YTA
Your daughter may still love you, but you can never make amends for this wrong, and she will never forgive you. There is no making up for this.
If you could not afford the ticket (Which I believe you very well could, but you did not WANT to) you should not have threatened to cut off your daughter financially if she used her own money.
You wanted her father to pay the money, but you deliberately and knowingly hurt your daughter in your grudge against him.
You are a terrible parent.
You are punishing her for using *her own money* to see her dying grandfather. what is wrong with you.
YTA