My ( M 23) brother (M 20) always dismisses my opinions because I’m on the autism spectrum and, according to him, I’m emotionally immature. From political issues to life in general, he always underestimates my opinion. The only time he genuinely values my opinion is when he’s about to take exams. He’s studying engineering, and I studied pure mathematics, so I’m occasionally helping him with his Multivariable Calculus final. The other day, he disagreed with me going on dates with men I met online because he said it was dangerous since they could take advantage of me. He found out about this because I asked him to take me to a certain place (a public place, by the way) since it was far away and I don’t drive. He pointed out that I pretend to go out with men, yet I don’t even know how to get there on my own, and I got upset and confronted him about how he asks me for help with his university exams. He got angry about this and told me not to help him anymore. Eventually, I apologized because the tense situation gives me anxiety, and now we’re okay.
Honestly just seems like what brothers do. Just petty things when you disagree or feel betrayed by something the other did. I don’t think you’re the asshole, I don’t think anyone is. He uses you when he needs help and you use him when you need help. If the situation has gone to a greater extent than petty things brothers do, you both are the asshole.
He is being manipulative. He is obviously not mature enough to see past his ableism. I am sorry that you have to experience it. I am autistic and my family was and still is the same to me. Now I bollock them when they are dismissive.
Thanks so much!!! He is lowkey ableist, he respects me “intellectually” but otherwise he think of me as a teenager
You didn’t even “rub it in.” You just pointed out the obvious: he needs you way more than he admits. That stung his ego, that’s all
Unfortunately, ESH.
I mean, I’m sure your brother is just trying to protect you. Confronting him about how you helped him with his university exams was definitely uncalled for.
On the other hand, your brother could have handled things better. As someone on the autism spectrum who might have issues interacting with people, he should have been more supportive of you, especially since you are supportive of his studies.
It’s a give and take.
Then again, you are siblings, and rivalry is quite common because we often resort to tough love when it comes to family.
I feel like it’s less “I gotta protect my sibling from men who might take advantage of their autism” to “my sibling is autistic ergo incapable of acting like an adult/lacks emotional intelligence or any intelligence at all because of autism. I should boss them around.”
Honestly, you don’t sound very emotionally mature. And I say that as someone also on the autism spectrum.
Did you have a plan for getting back from this date without your brother, or without help from your date? If not, your brother is right that it’s dangerous and you could be taken advantage of.
Being able to help out with math homework does not mean you have the skills to navigate complex social situations. You might, but being able to do math doesn’t prove it one way or another.
My plan for getting back was to take a taxi to a bus station and from there to go home.
If you ask me why i didnt do that to go there, cause that is too expensive
You’re fine. You met someone in a public place. People dating do this all the time. Asking for a ride is not a red flag and it also doesn’t mean you don’t know how to get there. You clearly know how to get there but were trying to save money. That’s actually a mature decision.
ETA: I’m also autistic and have two sons who are as well, one around your age. If they asked for a ride I would be happy to help.
You’re not a total asshole. Rubbing things in your brother’s face isn’t the right way to go about it. If it was to let him know you want a little reciprocation from helping him with his stuff – completely different because you’re trying to make him realize a relationship goes both ways. Just because you’re on the spectrum does not mean you’re unfit to make your own decisions. Someone with social awkwardness needs to put themselves out there more so you can gain comfortability. The world is harsh out there so he may be protective over his sister , but that doesn’t mean he can’t stay in the area where you’re going on dates – more safety for you too. Now that you both are on good terms , maybe talk about an exchange , i would love to help you with your engineering, if you help me rid of my social anxiety/awkwardness. Now both parties are growing:)
YTA. I think the two things aren’t the same. It seems he is trying to look out for you and the concern of meeting people online is a real concern. I’m not sure why he says you are pretending unless there is some missing information. However, the concern about meeting people online isn’t about whether you help him with maths or not, it’s about him looking out for you.
I have autism and I need rides sometimes too. Doesn’t mean I can’t go out for a drink or go on dates. Your brother is a AH and needs to apologize to you
>He pointed out that I pretend to go out with men,
I’m sorry, what? You are going out with men, not pretending. Getting a ride – from someone, by uber, by taxi, by bus – doesn’t equate to pretending. Your brother is just wrong.
NTA