I (20F) have been talking to my boyfriend (27M) for about four months and I’m honestly trying to figure out if I need to change how I approach conflict or if we’re just missing each other communication wise
For context I have ADHD and he is bipolar. He’s been in therapy for about five years and is very familiar with therapy language and communication frameworks which isn’t a bad thing but it definitely shapes how our conversations go
When we have serious talks especially ones he initiates I feel like I can’t fully get my thoughts out before the conversation shifts. I process emotions in a really nonlinear way like I have to talk things through sometimes backtrack sometimes take a weird route before I land on what I’m actually feeling. That’s just how my brain works and how I make sense of things
With him though it feels like those detours aren’t really allowed. The first part of what I say often turns into a separate discussion or analysis or correction before I can finish what I was trying to say in the first place. So conversations feel circular even though from my side I’m still trying to get somewhere
Because of that I sometimes shut down or go quiet during conflict. From his perspective that means I’m avoiding or not taking accountability. From mine it’s more like I’m pausing because continuing to talk just leads to more redirection and less resolution
Mental health is also a point of tension. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD but he questions whether that diagnosis is accurate because he was previously misdiagnosed with ADHD before being correctly diagnosed as bipolar. When I bring up ADHD related struggles he sometimes responds with skepticism like saying we don’t actually know if I have ADHD which makes me feel like my mental health is taken less seriously than his even if that’s not his intention
He feels like he’s the main person in my life who holds me accountable. I don’t really agree with that because accountability exists in other relationships in my life too. I will say I can be avoidant at times and I don’t deny that he’s emotionally intelligent or that his communication skills might be more developed than mine. But during conflict I end up feeling like I’m being framed as if I don’t have those skills at all which doesn’t line up with how I communicate with other people
Recently as he’s been preparing to visit me our arguments have gotten worse. We were arguing almost every day leading up to the visit. We took a short break and then when we started talking again the same pattern came back
I’m honestly just trying to understand
I’m not trying to get validation or sympathy I’m genuinely tired and trying to figure out where I might be contributing to the problem and whether this is something that can realistically get better
You might get more out of asking on /relationship or something than AITA 😅
But it sounds like you guys aren’t really matching well with each other
You aren’t supposed to be fighting that often – and especially not when he’s coming to visit – that’s when you’re supposed to be excited 😅
You’re 4 months into a relationship and having frequent conflicts with a man who is seven years older than you, in a stage of your relationship when things should still be easy breezy and fun. He is weaponizing therapy speak, questioning your diagnosis and setting himself up as “the main person who holds you accountable” when you’ve probably got jars of pickles in your fridge that have been in your life longer than him.
NTA. Run girl.
NTA. It’s been four months and he’s already getting into your head this way. It doesn’t get better. Dump this guy.
INFO: is this a long distance relationship? Have you ever met?
Honestly, I don’t think he’s the right man for you. Have you talked to your therapist about this relationship?
When I was doing online dating I had a strict rule of only conversing with men that were less than an hour away and meeting them within two weeks of starting to talk.
NTA but this isn’t a communication mismatch, this is him using therapy speak to control conversations and invalidate you. The age gap, the dismissing your diagnosis, the “I’m the only one who holds you accountable” – these are red flags wrapped in psychology terms
NTA, he’s gaslighting you into thinking you might be and abusing therapy to take advantage of a younger partner. Run and don’t look back. At four months in, you should still be floating in the air with hearts in place of your eyes, not being deconstructed out of a sense of self by a manipulative older partner.
NTA your almost-30-year-old boyfriend has an unearned sense of authority and isn’t approaching conflict and communication well. It’s ok that you process things differently. You’re only a few months in and are having frequent conflict…take from that what you will.
You need a drama-free BF. You’re only 20 and shouldn’t be hampered by him.
I literally screamed aloud at the “he’s the only one in my life that holds me accountable”. Get out get out GET OUT, good GOD girl get OUT.
In 7 years, your 27-year-old self will thank you. NTA, in case that’s not clear.
NTA – that’s literally how ADHD brains work.
He’s TA though. Dismissing your diagnosis because he was originally misdiagnosed is arrogant, unhealthy and shows a deep disregard for your feelings. I highly recommend you leave him before it’s too hard. ADHD people have a tendency to put up with bad relationships because they get over arguments etc fast. It ends up setting up a cycle where each time there’s a disagreement or argument you shut down and lose a little more of your essence until your life is you tiptoeing around what they want with no respect for yourself.
Excuse me for being oh so very white but:
Yeet, yeet motherfucker.
He is weaponizing therapy. 🚩🚩🚩
You deserve someone who will communicate with you on your level.
Dude, it’s four months! You should still be in the honeymoon. The fact you have serious arguments and they don’t go well this yearly means run run run run. The age difference is a red flag. Go live your life!
NTA. At best, you’re simply not compatible, your communication styles do not align and at this time in your lives, you don’t seem able to effectively communicate with one another. Without significant change, that will not get better with time.
At worst, he’s weaponizing therapy speak against you for the single purpose of frustrating and scapegoating you. It’s a control tactic and can turn into emotional abuse.
From what you have provided, this does not seem like a relationship that is working for you, and you say you’re not looking for validation, but if you’re wondering if these are red flags and you need to end this relationship: yes.
Life’s too short to spend it with someone who is not on your team! An understanding partner will allow you time to make your point in an argument, because they actually want to understand your perspective and resolve the issue at hand. Someone who is not actually interested in resolution will talk over you and make you the bad guy in every fight.
Dump him. Dump him immediately. He is gaslighting and manipulating you. He knows *exactly* what he’s doing. He’s too old for you. You should be out having fun and going to college, not dealing with this AH’s garbage.