I have a friend of 2 years who didn’t congratulate me on my birthday once, but once it’s her birthday we go to restaurants and I gift her something. And I’m not sure if I’m being pity or what.
So on my birthday in October last year we were just friends for 6 months and I don’t have any social media to indicate that it’s my birthday so she didn’t congratulate me which I ignored and went to her birthday party in December and gave her a gift. This year she remembered that my birthday passed 2 weeks later and just asked why I didn’t tell her and she said let’s than meet for a coffee on the weekend with a friend of ours and they will congratulate me? I didn’t remind them about it cause it felt weird to celebrate my birthday a month later even though we leave literally 10 minutes away from each other.
So now her birthday comes around in a week and she calls me to come to the nice restaurant and I don’t know what to say. I don’t feel comfortable coming empty handed but also coming there and gifting her something feels not fair to myself.
I know I didn’t throw a party for them to come, but still feel weird. AITA for wanting to skip her dinner and how do I approach it? Should I tell her how I feel or just make an excuse and not show up?
INFO do you tell people when your birthday is coming up, or expect them to remember/find out on their own? Cuz honestly how many peoples’ birthdays besides your own do you remember? I dont even remember my parents’ birthdays I have to look through my email for when I wished them a happy birthday the year prior
YTA – you don’t give gifts only because you received one. You give them and you show up for your friends for that exact reason – she’s your FRIEND. Next year, why don’t you try putting something together for your birthday and invite her?
YTA-you don’t have social media and expect a friend of two years to have noted your birthday on their calendar because you told them one time when it was? What an entitled view of how friendship works
YTA.
As adults, you can’t expect people to remember your birthday and celebrate you.
I totally put birthdays in my calendar, and I remember to say something.
But I’m not buying something for someone, as an adult, just because it’s their birthday. If they invite me to a party, yes. But if not, it’s just a message of happy birthday.
But I don’t expect anything in return.
Is it nice to receive some acknowledgement in return? Yes, absolutely. But to expect people to just remember?? Psh. We’ve all got enough going on with our own stuff.
This is just silliness.
Adults plan their own birthdays, and invite who they want to attend.
People remembering your birthday is a poor test for friendship, they got their own shit going on.
YTA: Notice how she notifies you in advance that her birthday is coming up with an invitation, compared to you, who says nothing to anyone and does nothing to celebrate?
That is the key difference. I 100% guarantee that if you invited her to a birthday dinner, she would have shown up with a gift.
Don’t punish her for a situation you created through your own actions.
If you want to celebrate your birthday then plan something! This is kind of childish.
So you haven’t been friends very long, she doesn’t know when your birthday is and you don’t have it listed on your social media and didnt invite her to do anything to celebrate but you are upset because she didn’t magically know and say something BUT she invited you to celebrate her birthday?
YTA, if I got all that right. You cannot expect people to know your birthday if you dont tell them, and sometimes maybe invite people to do things for your birthday if you want to be celebrated.
NAH, you’re just bad at it. They make up for it when you’re birthday has passed and want to celebrate. You don’t feel comfortable saying it’s your birthday. Unless you discuss these things, nothing will happen.
Say “I want to celebrate our birthdays but it’s a bit awkward for me. Will you mind if I invite you to my parties?” Talk it out so you can feel safe about making a big deal of your day and I think you’ll find a better rhythm for each other.
You’d probably be TA if you skip without saying anything. Even if it feels unfair, it’s her birthday. You could go and just be honest, say you’re not really feeling up for a big celebration, in that way you’re showing you care without forcing yourself.
Older you get you get no cards no calls no Christmas people move on
YTA
You have to be proactive about things. Yes, it’s nice when people make plans for your birthday without prompting, but as this person is a relatively new friend, you have to start that habit yourself. The fact she offered to have coffee with you to celebrate shows she’s genuinely interested. Don’t spoil the friendship over something petty.
And this idea of not celebrating your birthday a few weeks later is so silly—adult life is busy and you’re not always going to have a party on your actual birthday. My mum didn’t have a proper birthday party (more than just a family dinner) on her Boxing Day birthday until she was *seventy* because who really is going to a birthday party the day after Christmas? Many people catch up even a month after because that’s the only time they could get everyone on board.
YTA – People have multiple friends, and people have their own lives going on. If you remember someone’s birthday, that’s a bonus, not to be expected. She wished you a happy birthday and offered to do something later, so she’s trying, and she clearly cares about you. So I’d say yeah, YTA. Fair to feel hurt, but it IS your responsibility to remind people, and you can also invite people